Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary – Let’s Put Away the Flags Already!
by PAM MEISTER
July 6, 2009
Okay, let Me repeat: I won. There, now I won’t have to keep referencing My own awesomeness during this entry.
Well, another Fourth of July come and gone, and this year was the worst ever. First of all, do you know how hard it is to be president when patriotism just isn’t your thing? I was raked over the coals for not putting My hand over My heart during the pledge while on the campaign trail, and then the bitter clingers kept making a big deal over the fact that I made a big deal about not wearing a flag pin on My lapel. But that was just during the campaign. Now that I’m in the Oval Office, average Americans actually expect Me to show My patriotism.
I did try. I had the State Department issue invitations to Iranian diplomats to attend July 4th festivities at U.S. embassies. I even made sure they included the fact that Hebrew National hot dogs would not be served. But then the people of Iran had to go and ruin My plans and protest against rigged elections in particular and the despotic regime in general. What have they got against despots, anyway? Some of them are good buddies of Mine. Anyway, thanks to public pressure, we rescinded the invitations because it wouldn’t be “appropriate” under the circumstances. Good thing I didn’t invite Honduran diplomats – actually, I’m glad I didn’t. The Hondurans are really ticking Me off with how they kicked out Chávez’s lackey under the pretext that he “violated” the Honduran constitution. So he violated their constitution. I really don’t see what the big deal is. Honestly, it’s just a piece of paper. I say if it gets in the way of your agenda, go ahead and do whatever you feel you must to keep that agenda moving forward.
That’s why we’re called progressives – heh.
As president, here I was, stuck hosting a barbecue for 1,200 military families. I’d rather be playing golf instead. Heck, I’d rather be having a root canal. But looking at the bright side, it gave Me an opportunity to brush up on the acting skills that helped Me get elected. The best part about it was when it ended and I got to leave all of the cleaning up to the White House staff. Boy, I really don’t miss being at home with Michelle in Chicago – whenever we had any kind of party, she made Me do all the dishes afterward. When it comes to dishpan hands, I could have starred in one of those Palmolive commercials with that old bag, Madge.
The biggest news this holiday weekend was that Sarah Palin announced that she’ll be stepping down as governor of Alaska in a couple of weeks. Of course, I’ll miss seeing all of those hit jobs in magazines like Vanity Fair (the same author drooled over Me, natch), hearing funny jokes about her and her family by David Letterman (another guy who loves Me) and Keith Olbermann’s head practically exploding any time he Mentioned her in one of his “special comments.” I can’t understand why MSNBC’s ratings are so low when they have jewels like Olbermann at the helm. I’ll have to see what I can do with the folks over at Nielsen. Maybe twist a few arms, you know what I mean? I’ll talk to Rahm about it first thing tomorrow.
Still, with Palin out of office, it’ll give her time to travel the country, making speeches and attending fundraisers. Some are saying this was a brilliant tactical move on her part, and I’m a little worried, but I also have faith in
My lapdogs the Media – they’ll make sure that any efforts on her behalf are belittled and ridiculed at every turn. Hey, all’s fair in love and war, baby. I’m looking out for number one.
No, not the nation. Me. Myself. And I.
Anyway, Diary, I’m all done in from a weekend of backslapping and smiling at people I’d rather not smile at. It’s bad enough that I have to salute My military escort day after day. So, I’m glad the Fourth of July is over. Time to put the flags into mothballs for another year, when we’ll drag them out and do it all over again.
It’s good to be the King, but it sure is hard work. There’s time for a quick smoke out in the Rose Garden before My next appearance before my adoring public.
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