Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary – My Day with My New BFF – Hugo Chávez
by PAM MEISTER
April 20, 2009
The last few months have been so exciting! People like to point out that I’m the first black president of the United States, but a “first” I’m even more proud of is being the first Apologist in Chief. (Some have tried to give Jimmy Carter that title, but he was really the first Whiner in Chief. Big difference.)
Going to Berlin last year to announce my Global Citizenship (I have an official card and everything) was a big thrill, but going to the G-20 in the UK to apologize for everything the United States has done since – well, since its inception, really – was more exhilarating than listening to crowds nationwide worship at my altar and applaud my sterling speeches. But I have to tell you, all of the criticism I got for bowing to the Saudi king was a bit hurtful. I mean, what did those plebes back home expect me to do? Merely shake his hand like that old bag Queen Elizabeth? This is KING ABDULLAH, for chrissakes! The man is an institution unto himself. I gotta get me one of those robe things to lounge around in the West Wing after hours. They look even more comfy than the Snuggie. Maybe Michelle will buy me one for my birthday – I think I’ll start hinting now. She’s been really busy with her makeup artist and fashion advisors lately, so I want to give her time to get the message.
By the way, I’m really starting to get annoyed that my teleprompter is getting all of the credit for my awe-inspiring speeches. It’s time to give credit where it’s due – to my speechwriter. Better than giving out a raise, if you know what I mean. *wink*
But wait, it gets better! I know, I know, it’s pretty hard to top bowing to the head of the Wahhabists, but trust me on this one, ‘k? I went down to the Summit of the Americas and I GOT TO SHAKE HUGO CHÁVEZ’S HAND!
I don’t think I’ll ever wash this hand again. Just think of it: this is the man who called George W. Bush a devil right here in America! Not only that, but he’s writing the blueprint for the socialist utopia I’m dreaming of bringing to the U.S. He’s right up there with my other personal heroes, Saul Alinsky, Rev. Wright and Ted Kennedy. (Ted’s my hero because not only did he give the girls that cute little dog, but he got me out of having to go to one of those smelly, stinky dog shelters. At the same time, he gave My Media – that’s what I call them, My Media – a new fluff story to concentrate on rather than what I’m doing to the economy and American sovereignty. The girls named him Bo, even though I hinted he should be called Ted in my benefactor’s honor. Oh well, that’s kids for you.)
I was talking to David Axelrod before the historic meeting with my man Hugo and discussed how best to approach him. Should he approach me first? After all, he’s the greater statesman. I didn’t want to seem too aggressive. And what about the handshake itself? David advised against the fist bump, saying it’s been done already and it’s time to give my disciples something new to appreciate. So we decided on a cool “soul brother”-type handshake, followed by a gentle touch on the shoulder – not only would it convey “hey I’m here for you,” but would also give the impression that in no way am I Hugo’s superior. We’ve had enough of that “America’s great” crap for the past eight years. It’s time to take America in a new direction and I’m just the beta male to do it.
Here we are shaking hands. I was so nervous – I hope Hugo didn’t notice how sweaty my palm was!
Here’s my hand on his shoulder. Just the right touch, don’t you think?
The only thing I wish I had done differently was to wait for Hugo to approach me like Dave and I had planned, but my excitement got the better of me and I just went right over. I felt like a kid meeting Superman! Good thing I decided to stay away from beverages for a few hours before or I might well have wet my pants. He was so gracious. I said, “Como estas?” He said, in English, “I want to be your friend.” And the gift he gave me was just the best: a book called Open Veins of Latin America – Five Centuries of the Pillage of a Continent. It’s all about how Western nations have raped the region of its resources and oppressed its peoples. It’s in Spanish, but I don’t mind. Haven’t I been telling Americans that it’s embarrassing how few of us know a second language? And maybe, since two icons of the world are known to be reading this book, maybe it’ll knock that book by the loudmouth Mark Levin – something repulsive called Liberty and Tyranny – off its perch as the number one nonfiction book in America. Liberty? He wishes. I won the election. Time to do things my way.
Anyway, I think I’ll go now and curl up with the book Hugo gave me and a good Spanish-English dictionary. I’ve instructed my staff not to disturb me as I read the words Hugo felt were so important for me to see, not even if Kim Jong Il fires off another missile or if Russia attacks Poland or one of those other ungrateful former Soviet satellite nations. It’s all about priorities.