News Bulletins We Would Like To See
by NORMAN SIMMS
October 11, 2012
Free Palestine Now
Human Rights groups across Europe and North America marched again last week to liberate Palestine from the rule of terrorists and religious fanatics. A spokeswoman for the coordinating committee of Freedom From Tyranny issued a warning to all militant and jihadi organizations that further suppression of free speech, exercise of religious choice, and women's rights would no longer be tolerated.
Peace Flotilla Sets Sail for Syria
A flotilla of over three thousand craft of all sizes and shapes left ports throughout the Mediterranean to converge on Syria this morning. The purpose, according to an organizer, is to stop the endless and senseless slaughter by all sides in that troubled land. "If we can prevent another fundamentalist Islamist state from being established," a noted activist claimed, "that's just the icing on the cake."
Mexican Drug Lords Lay Down Arms
In a surprising move yesterday afternoon, hundreds of leaders of Mexico's famed drug cartels lay down their arms and declared an end to their trade in illicit drugs. "We will provide you with detailed maps of tunnels and secret trails," said one of the Supremos from a northern state. Asked why this sudden move, a spokeswoman explained "We have decided enough is enough. It is impossible to keep up sufficient goods crossing the border to the USA given the dangerously uncontrolled distribution network among the Gringos." After a few moments, she added: "Once we accept our punishment-and we know we deserve it-we will return to our homes and begin to study classical poetry."
UN Disbands Human Rights Committee
The newly-elected Head of the UN, at a special meeting of the General Assembly, announced that the Committee on Human Rights would be terminated forthwith following release of documents proving it had abused its title, making "human rights" a code name for anti-Western and anti-Zionist actions. "As the committee had expended more than 99.99% of its energies blaming Israel for all the ills of the world and branding the United States the worst perpetrator of human rights abuses in history and as members of this committee themselves are the most notorious and egregious non-democratic and openly discriminatory governments in the world, we have no choice but to terminate the warrant and call on the International Court of Justice in the Hague to open proceedings immediately against all those who have perpetrated this massive fraud."
Education Meant To Teach
The Minister of Education for the Republic of Kupfschleppen, an autonomous enclave in the eastern mountains of the former kingdom of Balkanica, has announced that from next year the purpose of schools will be to teach children what they don't know, such as reading, writing, arithmetic, languages, science and history. "This wipes from the legislation the principle of education as making pupils feel good about themselves," said Msgnr. Ignatz Katz. "Our system will no longer be a self-esteem engine. We want young people to want to become adults, to envy grown-ups for their understanding of the world, and to feel that curiosity and risk-taking are natural phenomena," he said. The shadow minister for the Opposition, Sylvia Lusconiboilini, remarked to this reporter: "It will never work. This discriminates against dumb-bells and lazy-bones. I just don't know what this world is coming to."
Hollywood to Respect Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation
After weeks of discussion, the heads of Hollywood's seventeen leading film studios, distribution networks and publicity gurus, reached a compromise decision last night, thus ending more than a hundred years of disagreement and laxity. From now on, all speaking-parts will be given only to articulate, educated actors who can understand sentences of more than fifteen words, pronounce their speeches with care and attention, and who respect syntax. In addition, to the dismay of politically correct watch dog groups who have dominated the industry since World War Two, it was decided that all trailers and advertising posters will have to adhere to strict orthographical guidelines based on at least three standard dictionaries. "We know this will offend small pockets of minority groups, such as victims of spelling rules and survivors of sentence-abuse, but it is just something whose time has come." The agreement to check all punctuation, especially the use of commas, semi-colons and exclamation points came after acrimonious debate, with a last-minute compromise taken, so that all depictions of notices on sales in grocery shops and shoe-repair salons are exempted from the regulations distinguishing between plurals and possessives. "You can't win them all," said the president of the AAA (Association for Accuracy in Advertising).
Rap Music Banned from Major Concert Halls
In an unprecedented wave of assent, directors of concert halls and opera houses across Europe and North America have issued a decree forbidding the performance of rap music, hip-hop, eleven-tone row, electronic wailing and all similar noise during the forthcoming season. "We are sick and tired of untrained musicians and singers who can't sing, as well as hand-written scores with no concept of harmony or structure," Ingrid Saggenbothym said at a hastily called press conference in a secret location. "This is positive discrimination on behalf of the talented and the intelligent." Asked if she and her fellow directors were prepared for the inevitable consequences, Ms Saggenbothym sighed and said: "Yes, we are even now sandbagging the great theatres in London, Paris, Milan, Saskatoon and Westchester, and are in the process of hiring well-trained guards to protect our venues and our performers. I am not sure there is an audience left who appreciate our sort of music, but even if there is only one in each city, the effort is well worth while." Unfortunately, no further questions were taken as at that very moment there were loud explosions heard and a panicked soprano ran in to say the secret location was currently under attack.
Thousands of Taliban Self-Castrate
News from one of the darkest, most remote region of tribal anarchy between Pakistan and Afghanistan, in a place named Laurelstan, is that thousands of young and old Taliban warriors gathered and began cutting off their grizzly beards and then their genitals and tossing all on a huge pyre. While they performed this ancient ritual of sartorial abnegation and unsexing, they chanted a prayer declaring their desire to become virgins and embrace their former enemies in the sixteenth heaven. An unnamed reporter on the spot tells us that the Taliban are also disbanding their total terrorist operations network and will begin attending various classes (knitting, pilotes, mud-facials, political science, etc.) to learn how to be women, as soon as their wounds have healed. No one has been able to explain the motive for this massive turn around in policy. However, one source found on U-tube suggests that a certain female American correspondent from a major news broadcaster, known only as Judith, was seen leaving the tent of the Grand Poobah Holofernes, carrying a bloodied sack and giving the victory sign. We await further developments.
Former Soviet Leader Donates Shoes
The wife of former Russian President, Alexandrei Romanov Rasputin, Tovarisha Anastasia-Esmerelda Markovich has decided to leave her entire shoe collection to the Kremlin. "In these days of heroic presidents, muscular but riotous pussy girls, nuclear re-armament and general glasnost," she said, while sitting aside a dromedary crossing the Mongrel Desert, "I have come to the conclusion that my shoes, each representing a great step forward for mankind and a small soul for my country, should be put on permanent display, so that future generations will be able to follow in my footsteps." Among the footwear to be placed on exhibition is the rough-hewn slipper banged on the desk at the UN General Assembly, another mammoth-wool bootie used to stomp on the face of dissident authors, and a pair of US Keds sneakers worn on the day Leningrad was returned to its original name of St Patrick's Day.
Leakypedia Leader Converts to Inca Religion
After more than forty years of living in the Peruvian Embassy in Istanbul, Leakypedia founder and leader, Julius Egotistica, arrived yesterday afternoon in Machu Pichu, Peru, and begun the long slow climb to the top of the pyramid of the sun where, when the flaming disk rises, he is expected to eat his own heart out immediately his conversion to the traditional religion of the Incas is confirmed by the presidents of Bolivia, Venezuela and Cuba. Egotistica, well-known for his humility and respect for women, will, should he survive the sacred ordeal, be able to dance weekly for tourists, "earning enough money-he told reporters who met him at the zeppelin port where he landed after the Atlantic crossing-to pay back all my loyal supporters who put up bail to get me out of the European judicial system." He then seemed agitated. "It's been a long hard few years," he said, "and now I have to take a leak."
Gaffe at the Cenotaph
Many years ago, while visiting Wellington, the capital of New Zealand, the President of the United States made a brief speech at the Tomb of the Unknown Prime Minister. "I am very happy to finally be in your wonderful country of Noozild and to meet all the Hobbits and Elves of Middle Earth," said the President after the tri-annual re-dedication ceremony, "and I wish you all best luck in your future cinematic endeavours. Thank you, Mr.-err, err, Mr.-err." At which point an aide leaned over and whispered in his ear: "You know, Key." "Keys? Ah, yes, of course. Thank you, Mr Hugo Chaves."
Norman Simms is the author of Alfred Dreyfus: Man, Milieu, Mentality and Midrash (Academic Studies Press, 2011). The second volume in the series, Alfred Dreyfus: In the Context of His Times: Alfred Dreyfus as Lover, Intellectual, Poet and Jew (also by Academic Studies Press) was published in July 2013; and the third Alfred and Lucie Dreyfus in the Phantasmagoria (Cambridge Scholars Publisher, UK) in September 2013.