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2008 Campaign
Family Security Matters does not stand behind or endorse any candidate for president (or any other public office). However, as the President is also Commander-in-Chief and is responsible for setting national security policy, we will be publishing a variety of articles on both the Republican and Democrat candidates for President during this election year. As always, the opinions of our Contributing Editors are their own, and do not necessarily reflect those of Family Security Matters.
- IN THIS SECTION
August 30, 2008
Exclusive: The Republicans’ Convention Intentions
Last week, the Democrats’ convention intentions were highlighted here, and judging by the actual festivities that were held this week, Howard Dean should have taken that advice. All conventions are infamously boring, but this year’s DNC festivities have made a Dennis Kucinich-Joe Lieberman debate look like Mardi Gras! Thankfully, relief, albeit minor, is coming in the form of the Republican National Convention, which will begin on September 1st in Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota.
Naturally, the Republicans will want to insert some jocularity into the proceedings, while trying not to encourage the pot-smoking hippies that showed up in Denver. Good, clean, wholesome family fun is the aim here. Will the Grand Old Party hit a home run, or will it strike out like Bill Clinton at Ladies’ Night?
Here is a partial list of their itinerary, courtesy of Julie, the Cruise Director:
Speak Like Ah-Nuld Monday. For those not lucky enough to be an Austrian-born, muscle-bound actor-turned Governator, this is the chance to speak like one. Participants will be able to pronounce such tricky words as California (Cal-ee-for-nee-a), Maria, (Mar-ee-a), and mandatory layoffs (man-dee-tor-ee lay-offs).
Contests will be held to determine the best and worst of the Schwarzenegger impersonators. The winner will be seated next to the California governor during the last night of the convention. The loser will be forced to watch Last Action Hero on a continuous loop.
Political Skee Ball. Unlike the Democrat National Convention, the GOP Convention will feature many kid-oriented kiosks. Among these will be Political Skee Ball, which puts a political spin on an old favorite. The young and the young at heart will roll nine balls into the marked sections, scoring points as they go. The most points will be awarded for rolling a ball into Barack Obama’s “O” Logo. Ironically, the game will only cost you some small “change.”
Pin the Tail on the DNC Donkey. Keeping with the kid-friendly traditions of this year’s convention, this party game is expected to be a big hit. The donkey, of course, will be a life-sized recreation of the DNC logo. The tails will be adorned with the visage of Democrat Vice-Presidential candidate Joe Biden, because if there ever was a man whose behavior made him look like a donkey’s rear end, it’s the liberal senator from Delaware.
Romney/Huckabee-Inspired Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. The convention is a time for healing. After all, everyone knows that the Clintons and the Obamas mended their broken fences last week, right? Okay, probably not, since they fled Denver faster than Jeff Gordon during NASCAR qualifying. Luckily, the Republicans have a sense of humor, and it will be on display in Minnesota’s Twin Cities next week.
Former rivals Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee fought bitterly during the Republican primaries, but they have recently teamed up for the good of the Party. Lending their faces to a new interactive game, visitors can play Romney/Huckabee Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. The former candidates themselves will inaugurate the game, with the winner receiving a prestigious appointment on McCain’s cabinet. The loser will have to settle for ambassador to Antarctica in the McCain administration.
The War for Oil. Liberal Democrats have been clamoring about the so-called “War for Oil” in Iraq since the start of the war. Of course, had this really been a war for oil, Americans would probably be paying much less for a gallon of gas at the pumps. Since that myth has been busted, the pranksters at the RNC have decided to set up a real War for Oil – in this case, a hot oil-wrestling match between Dick Cheney and Karl Rove.
This event’s purpose is two-fold. First, it lures liberals into watching the convention, thereby creating a ratings boom. Then, it immediately turns them off after they bear witness to a slicked-down, bikini-clad Cheney and Rove. It’s win-win.
Ride Rudy’s Teeth. By Thursday evening, most of the conventioneers will be exhausted from the stressful, yet necessary, duty of choosing their candidate for President. What better way to end a weeklong political convention than with a lazy, relaxing ride down the mighty Mississippi? Those interested will be able to use Rudy Giuliani’s enormous Chiclets to float down the Mississippi River. The former mayor of New York City has pledged his choppers to the Republican cause, but please return your floats when the ride is over. Rudy needs them to eat his steak.
Well, there you have it; the scheduled list of attractions for the Republican National Convention. As always, events and times are subject to change, but – thankfully for the American voters – John McCain is not. He is the same steady, experienced, highly qualified candidate he has always been.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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