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September 6, 2008
Michigan, Begin Again
Do you live in a city that can be classified as a war zone? Are you tired of hearing people giggle when you tell them where you were raised? Don’t you wish your hometown looked better – than any town – in comparison?
Well, fear not you embarrassed, huddled masses: at least you don’t live in Detroit, Michigan.
On Wednesday, Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm initiated hearings to determine if scandal-plagued Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick should be removed from office. At the heart of the proceedings: alleged mayoral misconduct involving a pricey legal settlement with former police officers and illicit text messages to a former aide – through city-issued pagers of all things. Apparently, the Democrats only celebrate scandalous (alleged) affairs for Beltway insiders. Local mayors are exempt from their praise and support.
The hearings have caused some division in the Party, as both Granholm and Kilpatrick are Democrats. Nevertheless, the governor is steadfast in her search for the truth, and has scoured the blogosphere for “evidence” in the case. Unfortunately, Granholm is not computer savvy, and every time she types “Kilpatrick” into a search engine, the results always return Irish pub websites. While this may not generate the desired information, it does remind her that Wednesday night is Ladies’ Night.
"The burden of proof is sufficient evidence satisfactory to the governor," Granholm said in her remarks. "This is not a criminal trial. This is not a civil trial."
What the heck is it, then? Here is a question: When is a trial not a trial? When a Democrat carrying a pitiful 37% approval rating is leading it. To call this a kangaroo court is insulting to kangaroos everywhere. Here you have an ineffective, unpopular governor sitting in judgment of an ineffective, unpopular, corrupt mayor. It’s akin to appointing Paris Hilton to rule against Lindsay Lohan for possessing low moral fiber!
The particulars of the proceedings are not fully known, but more and more information has been leaking out through various inside sources – the bulk of which deals with some of the lesser charges facing Kilpatrick.
For example, the multi-million dollar legal settlement allegedly involved United States currency and “other assorted bling.” The identification of said “bling” is unknown, but a jewelry expert has been called in to testify as an expert witness. Who better to recruit for the identification and labeling of any gold items?
Payoffs are not the only issue under investigation during the Kilpatrick hearings. The text message scandal is also at the top of the itinerary, and while the messages themselves are worrisome enough, there is a more sinister issue at hand: the messages were sent using Microsoft Vista! The embattled mayor’s claim is that the bug-laden computer software has unfairly portrayed him as a cad. Kilpatrick’s defense is that Vista sent the messages before they were completed. For instance, on one occasion when he was referring to the Dilley sextuplets, the text message was accidentally sent after the “x.” One can imagine how embarrassing that scenario would be.
Most of this evidence is damning, for sure, and late word has spread that Mayor Kilpatrick may accept a plea deal. Usually, this would be the perfect opportunity to humble yourself before your accuser and the judge. Not so in this case, as Kilpatrick is said to be eyeing a plea agreement with conditions. You heard that correctly. Here is a sample of what the mayor is demanding:
First, Mayor Kilpatrick wants designer prison blues. According to the mayor, he chafes in denim, and dungarees make him look fat. Kwame is nothing if not fashionable, and he will demand a tailor-made uniform befitting his stature as a celebrity inmate.
Second, the mayor wants to keep his pension. Sure, that may sound ludicrous, but consider this: Kilpatrick has grown accustomed to a lavish lifestyle. Why should a few allegations of misconduct detract from that? As part of the plea deal, the mayor wants to keep his fleet of Cadillac Escalades.
And finally, Kilpatrick wants a new identity after all of this impropriety goes away. He is looking for someone honest, trustworthy, and with a sterling reputation. Sources say that he is looking to secure the identity of either John McCain or Sarah Palin.
It’s bad enough that the good people of Michigan have to live with terrible sports teams – the Lions are God-awful, the Tigers are terrible, and the Pistons are under-achieving – but do they have to suffer through substandard politicians, as well? This hearing, while based upon the best intentions, is a joke worthy of the late Rodney Dangerfield. “Leadership” from the likes of Granholm and Kilpatrick is just another reason why Michigan, and more specifically, Detroit, doesn’t get any respect.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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