Exclusive: Welcome to Shari'ah Holiday Tours!

by PAM MEISTER May 16, 2008

Ah, vacation. You put your nose to the grindstone all year, dreaming about that one or two weeks where you and your family can pack your bags and just get away from the hullabaloo that is daily life. Forget your worries, forget your cares, and forget the annoying guy in the cubicle next to you who talks so loudly on the phone that you know every detail about his personal life, including his hemorrhoid surgery next week.

If you have young children, you might consider a trip to Disney or Universal Studios. Maybe history is your thing, and so a trip to Gettysburg or Jamestown is in order. Perhaps your children are older or have left the nest (or you don't have children at all), and so a more exotic locale may beckon. Think Hawaii, the Caribbean, or the Maldives.

Er, maybe not the Maldives, unless Shari'ah law is your cup of tea. If Sheikh Abdul Majeed Bari, (leader of the religious Adhaalath party scholars' council) gets his way, the death penalty for apostasy (converting from Islam to another religion) and the "amputation of hands for certain types of theft" could make their way into Maldivian law.

He believes the current legal system causes "conflicts in society." "There would be peace if the country was practicing Islamic Shari'ah," he says.

Perhaps it all depends on what your definition of "peace" is.

As the concept of Shari'ah law gains popularity in the Maldives, implications for happy vacationers could range from frustrating to downright unpleasant. Just imagine your arrival: in Hawaii, visitors are draped with leis from women in hula skirts and greeted with a friendly "Aloha!" In the Maldives, women can expect to be draped with a burka instead of a lei, while the men could receive a handbook entitled "Practical Tips for Beating Your Wife Properly (and Other Ways to Make the Most of Your Maldivian Vacation)."

Your dreams of lounging on the beach could be quickly dashed with a shot of cold water, or rather, reality. Any revealing clothing is strictly verboten under Shari'ah, and so all that diet and exercise your daughter endured so she could fit into that cute bikini will have been for naught. (Of course, it may make life easier on you, as you wouldn't have to spend your precious vacation time beating off young men eager to make her immediate acquaintance. Who says there's no silver lining?) But tell your daughter not to fret; the free market has come to the rescue! A burkini may be just what the imam ordered.

Okay, so the beach may not quite pan out the way you imagined, but there are still tennis lessons with the hotel pro to look forward to. Still, be careful: if anyone sees him showing you how to position yourself for your overhand shot, he might be the one with the shot - a shot in the back. And forget about having a torrid, steamy affair with him (the kind they write about in paperback romance novels), because a future feature of many luxury resort hotels could be a stoning pit located right behind the outdoor bar.

Speaking of bars, I hope you wouldn't expect to wet your whistle with anything other than fruit juice and soft drinks. Alcohol consumption is haraam (forbidden) under the strictures of Shari'ah law. And no bacon and eggs for breakfast or hot dogs for lunch, as pork products are also haraam. How about a nice dish of falafel and goat cheese instead?

You might also lose weight on your vacation if you travel during Ramadan, as you'd be expected to fast during the day. (And think of the money you'd save on your food bill!)

Vacation time often means souvenir shopping! But ladies, if you want to go out for a day of shopping for exotic items, you'd have to be prepared to bring hubby along. Shari'ah rules mean that girls and women cannot leave the house without a male member of the family accompanying them. If hubby is unavailable, your six-year-old son would be an acceptable substitute. And if, like other small children who are still learning the difference between right and wrong, he steals an item from a store, you might be able to avoid his having his hand chopped off if it isn't a valuable item (perhaps a cheap plastic toy), or if he was really, really hungry and nicks a candy bar.

As your dream Maldivian vacation draws to a close and you pack your bags to head home, the bad news could be that the hotel receptionist who romanced your teenage son is dead. Unfortunately, she would have been "honor killed" because she fell in love with the wrong kind of guy and shamed her family. The good news is you'll save money by not having to buy your son a return plane ticket to visit her next year.

Hey. Who said that the Maldives wasn't a gorgeous, relaxing and fun place?

Enjoy!