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October 4, 2008
Exclusive: The Bailout: No Lawyers, No Guns, Lots of Money
It has been a terrible two weeks on Wall Street. The government has virtually repossessed troubled financial institutions, the Dow Jones Industrial Average has seen more peaks and valleys than the Von Trapp family, and even the Monopoly Guy was forced to sell his trademark top hat and sterling silver thimble. Americans are scared, and they need some reassurance that they will not be wearing barrels and selling apples this time next year.
Enter the United States government. Don’t worry; they are here to help.
The Congress spent this past week wrangling over a $700 billion bailout plan – yes, that is billion with a “b” – aimed at rescuing the economy in its time of need. Sources claimed that President Bush attempted to convince Bill Gates to cover the necessary funds with the change in his pocket, but the multi-gazillionaire politely refused. As a result, the first rescue attempt failed as miserably as The Chevy Chase Show, so the politicians gave the plan yet another college try.
On Wednesday, this is what the fearless leaders (and lenders) voted upon:
“The revised package to be voted on in the Senate, which adds $100 billion in tax breaks for businesses and the middle class, temporarily increases the deposit insurance cap from the current $100,000 to $250,000. The Securities and Exchange Commission said Tuesday it was easing the accounting rules in some cases.”
Because that’s exactly what the financial worlds needs, right? Big money needs more “easing” of the accounting rules.
The bill is expected to pass, and not a moment too soon. House Speaker/BOTOX Spokeswoman Nancy Pelosi was first elected to public office during The Great Depression, and she knows firsthand how devastating a stock market crash can be. However, she has also learned to not take unnecessary chances when it comes to the economy. Nancy has a three-point backup plan for the backup plan:
Nancy Bucks. It is no secret that the value of the American dollar is falling more quickly than Keith Olbermann’s ratings. Speaker Pelosi has decided to address the issue in typical San Francisco fashion: she plans to eliminate the dollar in favor of “Nancy Bucks.” This new currency, adorned with the Speaker’s angelic visage, will immediately be adopted by Democrat-friendly nations the world over. Iran, North Korea, Syria, and Russia have already ordered “Nancy Bucks,” and Venezuela is reportedly interested in an Oil for Nancy Bucks Program. America’s financial independence is just a few “Nancy Bucks” away!
The New “Gold Standard.” The American economy has always been backed by gold and/or silver. Precious metals have dominated the markets, and have always been coveted by investors. However, the 1848 California Gold Rush – which Speaker Pelosi personally witnessed – wiped the country clean of its biggest gold deposits. A new “gold standard” is needed for the new century, and Pelosi has determined said standard: garbage.
Surprised? You shouldn’t be, and here’s why. First, garbage is ever-present, especially in this country. Let’s face it: some people are slobs. Endless garbage makes for an endless and ever-expanding economy. Disney World will take a hit because that place is immaculate, but the inner cities will soon be the most sought after lands in America.
Second, as the new gold standard, people will desire more garbage. And how do you make garbage? You buy goods that will be transformed into garbage (Some enterprising entrepreneurs will skip the middleman and buy raw garbage – like a Bill Maher DVD.) When people buy goods, the economy grows, and the resulting garbage increases one’s net worth under the Pelosi plan. It’s win-win.
Finally, the stigma assigned to dirty people and places will be eliminated, which will see the end to a bigoted stereotype. Never again will an attractive woman say, “Ew, I am not dating him. He is covered in garbage!” Under the Pelosi plan, dirty people will be loved, too. The country will be a happier place, flowers will bloom, and birds will sing.
The Congressional Celebrity Telethon. If any of the above contingencies fail, this is the Speaker’s Hail Mary pass. In an effort to raise the $700 billion, Congress will hold a telethon to raise the money. Noted politicians will perform for the audience, and special guests will make cameo appearances. Already slated to appear are William Jefferson and his Freezer of Mystery, Larry Craig’s Toe-Tapping One-Man Band, and the comedic stylings of Conspiracy Nut Cynthia McKinney.
Okay, no one really hopes that the financial meltdown will come down to stunts like these, but considering the economy went from gold to dung in a few short months, the future is uncertain to say the least. Luckily, our government officials are here . . . and they are ready to help.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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