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Five Sept. 11 Suspects to Face Trial in New York

The Obama administration has announced it will try 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other 9-11 Gitmo detainees in a civilian federal court in New York, allowing them the protections of the U.S. Constitution even though they are not U.S. citizens.

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?

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Not Sure

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May 17, 2008

Exclusive: Give Me Libertarianism or Give Me Death!

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Hello America! My name is Bob Barr, and I am officially announcing my candidacy for President. Many of you will remember me from my eight years service in the House of Representatives. It was my honor to represent the great state of Georgia.Well, not Jimmy Carter's small patch of it, but the rest of the state is top-notch.

If you are one of the few people who have not heard of me, I would like to tell you a little bit about myself. I am a Scorpio who enjoys long walks on the beach, pork products (both edible and political), and getting married. My current spouse is my third, but first in my heart . . . for now. At 59 years old, I look like a pimply-faced teenager compared to John McCain, and after serving eight years in Congress, I look like Robert Byrd - without the hood - next to Barack Obama.

My family traveled extensively when I was a young lad, and I was able to see some of the world's foremost vacation destinations: Reykjavik, Mogadishu, and Botswana.These places were my playgrounds, and I learned to interact with other cultures in a very unique way.Of course, when I say, "interact," I really mean that I sat on the sideline waiting for someone, anyone to pick me for the team. It's difficult enough being the nerd. Imagine being the nerd who doesn't speak the language!

I spent my teenage years living in Iran, and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad may remember me as the nerdy infidel kid in Tehran, Iran's Community High School."Moud" stole my lunch money while giving me wedgies, wet willies, and the dreaded "rear admiral," but it was all in good fun. I will always cherish my time there.Go Fighting Mullahs!Beat Qom High!

Upon returning to the States, I began my political career.In 2002, Georgia columnist Bill Shipp referred to me as "the idol of the gun-toting, abortion-fighting, IRS-hating hard right wing of American politics." Most folks would bristle at that kind of label. Me I had it tattooed on my posterior.Personally, I think Bill's Shipp sunk after writing that column. I mean, who doesn't hate the IRS?That's like asking who doesn't hate Barry Bonds? I mean, besides family members and employees, everyone hates them both!

I accomplished many things as a congressman, and proposed one piece of legislation - that, to my knowledge, is one more than Barack Obama- which would ban the practice of Wicca in the military. For those of you who do not eat dinner around a bubbling cauldron, Wicca is a nature-based "religion" that encompasses spooky rituals, magic, and yes, witchcraft. I mean, come on, we need witches in the military like we need them in the White House.Thankfully, it looks like we'll avoid that sticky situation, since Hillary Clinton probably will not win the Democrat nomination.

In July of 2004, I wrote "The Meaning of Is: The Squandered Impeachment and Wasted Legacy of William Jefferson Clinton." The book did rather well in 49 states, but for some reason, it did very poorly in Arkansas.It is my belief that it sold poorly there because I did not actually publish the dictionary definition of "is" in the work, and many Razorbacks thought it was a reference guide. Well, it was either that or the fact that most of Slick Willy's former conquests still live in the area.

Speaking of Bill "Sans Pants" Clinton, he will always remember me as the persistent congressman who led his impeachment hearings Sorry about that, Mr. President, but we take lying very personally in Washington, D.C. Imagine what would happen to this country is its politicians were allowed to lie and get away with it.It would be bedlam, I tell you!

Upon leaving Congress, I embarked on an exciting journey into the field of talk radio. My program, "Bob Barr's Laws of the Universe," is very popular, and my regular feature, "The Idiot of the Week," has generated a lot of buzz. I am proud to say that I have won this award myself four times already this year! That'll show me for opening the nomination process to the callers.

Finally, to my constituents' great surprise, I am running as a member of the Libertarian Party.We're the party that favors limited government, non-interventionism in foreign policy, and the legalization of prostitution and marijuana.Especially marijuana!You can consider my running mate and me the "Cheech and Chong" of the 2008 election, and true to form, we will be distributing "munchies" at every campaign stop. Do you think Obama or McCain will be passing out Chee-tos in Smallville, Kansas? I don't think so.

I do think, however, that the time has come for a viable third-party candidate to come to the forefront of American politics.Please vote Bob Barr for President. I'll bring the snacks!

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