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October 18, 2008
Exclusive: What Liberals Want
Last week, an article appeared at Slate.com that was sure to give even the healthiest person a brain aneurysm. Written by Timothy Noah, the piece described the euphoria of the liberals’ victory over the dreaded conservatives. Sure, the election is not for three weeks, but since when have facts gotten in the way of a good celebration?
Noah then lets conservatives – the three who read Slate on a regular basis – in on the great secret of the liberal mind: They think things that they would never say!
“During the past 25 years, there have been countless sentiments that respectable Democratic politicians were never, ever supposed to say out loud for fear of angering the all-powerful Republicans. It still isn't wise for Obama to say them, but maybe the New Complacency will loosen other tongues within the political mainstream. Even if it doesn't, it's fun to think about what those utterances might be. What follows is a list, compiled with help from my fellow Slate staffers. The views expressed don't necessarily reflect those of the contributors – one of whom is a conservative Republican – or even me. But they sure are a refreshing change from what we've been hearing since 1981. With a little luck, they may soon be orthodoxies.”
Naturally, Mr. Noah provided many examples guaranteed to make the reader’s head explode. Here is one of the more inane:
“I think Karl Marx had some valuable insights into capitalist economies!”
Really? Maybe the Soviet Union, China, and Cuba didn’t get that memo. That’s understandable, because the Communist Postal Service is dealing with a 40-year backup. In the interim, these three countries have fallen out of the First World, and are flirting with Fourth World status. Standing in line for soap? Mr. Noah must have missed that chapter in The Communist Manifesto.
In his article, Timothy Noah fails to realize two important things. First, these revelations into the liberal mind are not surprising to conservatives. Most conservatives already knew that most liberals were a bunch of tree-hugging, Marx-loving hippies. Most conservatives already knew that most liberals would love to destroy every gun on earth before holding hands and singing Kumbaya. Most conservatives already knew that far too many liberals do not support Israel, and do not support our troops. Tell them something new, Timothy!
Second, Noah fails to realize that there is a flip side to his “What Liberals are Thinking” rant. Conservatives are thinking things that they would not usually speak aloud, as well. This is because they would rather avoid the tags of fascism, racism, and pretty much every other derogatory “ism” one can think of. If Mr. Noah is reading, maybe he will receive some insight into “What Conservatives are Thinking.”
Tax cuts kick tushie. Nobody likes tax increases. If you don’t believe it, just ask the Colonists. They went to war over high taxes! So, when knuckleheads like Joe Biden tell supporters that paying more taxes is “patriotic,” and fools like Barack Obama tell plumbers that America needs to “spread the wealth around,” conservatives wrap their heads in duct tape. Higher taxes will mean a rise in duct tape prices, and that would be terrible for this country, because an Obama administration may necessitate a truckload of tape for conservative skulls.
The right to bear arms is an inalienable right. If Americans want to expose themselves to skin cancer, then so be it. Oh, that’s not the issue here, is it? The amount of homicides in America committed by legally registered gun owners using legally registered guns is miniscule. Americans have a right to protect themselves from well-armed thugs. Some opponents claim that the Second Amendment is a leftover from Revolutionary times, but that is not the point. Maybe Barack Obama wants the Queen of England to come over here, get in our face, and push us around, but no one else does!
Despite what the mainstream media thinks, believes, and writes, this election is not over until November 4th at the earliest. Of course, with Indianapolis having a voter registration of 105%, ACORN registering Dallas Cowboys players to vote in Nevada, and the Ohio Secretary of State Jennifer Brunner admitting she had concealed 200,000 unmatched voter registrations, this election may not be finalized until Susan Sarandon makes a successful film.
Simply not voting for Barack Obama does not make one a racist. If that were the case, half of the country would fall into either the “racism” or “reverse-racism” category. Here is a legitimate example of racism. The next time you go shopping for children’s items, try and find something with Daffy Duck on it. You can’t do it, can you? Oh sure, there are plenty of items bearing the likeness of Bugs Bunny, Tweety Bird, and Road Runner, but no Daffy. Do you know why? It is because Daffy Duck is black.
These are just a few of the truisms rattling around in the mind of conservatives. Strangely enough, none of them deal with lowering the age of consent to 16, legalizing marijuana, or abandoning our longtime allies. Writers like Timothy Noah have the right to express their opinions, no matter how nonsensical they may seem to straight-thinking Americans in “flyover country.” He had better express them soon, though, because when Barack Obama implements The Fairness Doctrine, that luxury may go the way of the Edsel.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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