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October 25, 2008
Exclusive: Choose or Lose
The 2008 Presidential election may go down as one of the closest races ever. Like the elections of 2000 and 2004, the polls show a percentage gap within the margin of error. Strangely enough, there is still a large percent of “Undecided” voters out there, and the election is now less than two weeks away. While many Americans are sick and tired of the boring debates, the infuriating campaign commercials, and the words “hope” and “change,” the art of luring the “Undecideds” through political endorsements is now in full swing:
“There have been a few newsworthy endorsements recently as some high-profile Republicans have publicly moved to Democratic territory. Christopher Buckley, William F. Buckley's son, endorsed Barack Obama (and subsequently lost his column at the National Review over it). Colin Powell did the same this weekend . . . (We should note that even though he's a fixture on the McCain campaign now, Sen. Joe Lieberman jumping parties to endorse John McCain was also news at the time.)”
For the benefit of the less cerebral voting populace, Hollywood has also been weighing in on the race:
“Then, there's the dueling political posturing of a couple of the brothers Baldwin. While neither may have explicitly endorsed a candidate, you could probably tell by watching Saturday Night Live this weekend that Alec is a loud Democrat and little bro Stephen is an outspoken Republican.”
Ah, that wacky Hollywood elite. How would we ever know what to think without them? While some of the bigger celebrity names have already made their voting intentions known, there are more than a few stars of the stage, screen, and airwaves who are keeping their choice close to the vest. Luckily, inside sources have leaked some of this information before it has been made public. To wit:
Sen. Edward Kennedy (D – MA) is secretly planning to vote for John McCain. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. This was an easy choice for Kennedy, made easier when the senator found out that Cindy McCain was the chair of one of the largest Anheuser-Busch distributors in America.
Director Oliver Stone will shock everyone when he announces that he is voting for John McCain. Of course, in an attempt to save face after casting his ballot, Stone will declare that he was forced to vote Republican by a massive government conspiracy.
Aging skirt chaser Hugh Hefner is planning on voting for McCain as well, but not because he is swayed by the Arizona senator. Hefner has an eye for vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin, whose legs he compares to those of “a young Betty Grable.” Relax Hef; those Internet bikini photos of Governor Palin are fakes.
The rock band Blind Melon of “Bee Girl” fame will be casting their ballot for Barack Obama. While the group disagrees with some of Obama’s policies, they are interested in having the campaign buy the rights to their 1992 hit, “Change.”
If they were allowed to vote in the American election, Canadian band Rush would also be voting for Obama. And they would do so for the same reason as Blind Melon. Their 2007 hit “Hope,” is a perfect counterpart to “Change.”
Tabloid cover girl-turned-terrible mom Britney Spears attempted to prove how smart she was by announcing the following: “I have researched the platforms of all of the candidates, and after careful consideration, I am going to Vote for Pedro.” Wow. Obviously, thinking is not Ms. Spears’ strong suit.
Thanks to the good folks at ACRON, uber-celebs such as Elvis Presley, James Dean, and Marilyn Monroe are all throwing their support to Barack Obama. They expect to be voting for him on November 4th.
Finally, Carol Channing, bless her heart, announced that she’s voting for Harry Truman. The star of Hello Dolly! is living proof that some celebrity endorsements are more sought after than others.
It all boils down to this: Everyone who is anyone – and plenty of people who are “no ones” – will make their choice public over the next week or so. Take these opinions and endorsements with a grain of salt big enough to choke a crocodile. Just because someone is famous, or is deemed an “expert” by the mainstream media does not make them any less full of it. Educate yourself on the candidates and their positions. Make an informed choice when you go to the polling booth. Far too many have sacrificed far too much for the privilege.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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