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November 8, 2008
Exclusive: The Voters Deserve A Break Today
America made it – barely – through another Election Day, and the country is none the worse for wear. (Okay, the country is just as divided as ever, but at least no one will have to suffer through another political commercial for another six months. That has to count for something, right?) So after the polls closed on Tuesday, a lot of Beltway insiders needed a time out. They needed a chance to recharge their batteries so they could go back to their home states and lie to the electorate all over again.
Of course, politicians and political pundits are just better than regular folks. They are also better than the average Joe (the Plumber), so their relaxation options are slightly more varied.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D – CA) has scheduled still more Botox injections. Not content to have the smoothest face in all the land, Pelosi is planning to administer her own injections in different areas of her body. Madame Speaker addresses the situation thusly:
“My goal is to be completely wrinkle free by Inauguration Day. Through a continuous process of Botox injections, and several hours in the California sun, I expect to look like “’Oscar,’ the famed Academy Award statuette, by January 20th.”
Always the politician, Nancy went a step further: “And I am purchasing this extreme makeover with taxpayer money. Just try and stop me!”
Sen. Harry Reid (D – NV) will be spending a few weeks in America’s gaming paradise: Atlantic City, New Jersey. Why? It’s because the people of Nevada despise Reid and his questionable leadership qualities. Believe it or not, there is a border guard at every highway and airport leading into and out of the state, with strict orders to detain Reid. Once stopped, the voters will grab the senator by his ankles, shake the money from his pockets, and give it back to the electorate from which it was stolen.
Congressman John Murtha (D – PA) is looking forward to an extended vacation camping in the woods of western Pennsylvania. Unfortunately for Murtha, he doesn’t know his way around the area anymore – he spends the bulk of his time in Washington, D.C. – so he needs a guide to show him the way. The congressman should proceed with caution, though: rumor has it that a lot of bitter, gun-owning, religious clingers live in the area. nd apparently, they are still peeved that their representative referred to them as “rednecks” and “racists.” Perhaps he could enlist the help of a Marine?
On second thought, maybe Murtha should invest in a good GPS. Electronic devices usually do not hold a grudge when they are slandered by a knucklehead.
Politicians are not the only ones who are looking forward to a break in the action. The mainstream media needs their beauty sleep, as well. For example, the Associated Press is giving every one of their staff the week off. Most of these writers are taking advantage of the time to receive treatment at the Washington Hospital Center for a common malady: chapped lips. Curiously, there has been a pandemic of dry and chafed lips after sixteen months of Barack Obama tushie kissing:
“Nurse, give me 50 CCs of ChapStick, stat!”
MSNBC blabbermouth Chris Matthews is also seeking treatment for an undisclosed ailment. Physicians at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital in Philadelphia have released this statement with regard to Mr. Matthews:
“Mr. Matthews was seen by our doctors this afternoon for a tingling sensation that coursed up and down his leg. After several tests and examinations, it was determined that Mr. Matthews is completely healthy. However, he did realize that the cell phone in his pants pocket was set to ‘vibrate.’”
And finally, the blabbermouth of all blabbermouths – MSNBC’s Keith Olbermann – will be spending his down time at a delightful place with green pastures, a crystal clear lake, and a nice, padded cell. Long overdue for a psychological evaluation, Keith’s doctors will show him clips of his own television program. After waking him up repeatedly, Olbermann will finally realize the naked truth: his efforts to destroy Sarah Palin and her family, John McCain and his family and President George W. Bush have finally made him – Keith Olbermann – the Worst Person in the World.
When it all comes down to it, the political season is becoming longer than Danny Bonaduce’s rap sheet. America cannot take two years of this nonsense, and the fact that most voters simply do not care about the end result come Election Day is proof of that. The voters are burned out. They need a rest.
Washington, please give it to them.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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