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November 15, 2008
Exclusive: Renaissance’s Man
Since the early 1950s, during the Eisenhower administration, the United States Secret Service (USSS) has used code names for presidents, politicians, and other important individuals. These code names are assigned by the White House Communications Agency, and while they may be changed, the public does usually not know them.
Luckily, the brain surgeons at Yahoo have decided to release the code names for Barack Obama and his family before the president-elect even takes office:
“The Secret Service takes a lot of risks for the first family. So it's only fair that the agency gets the honor of coming up with code names for the president-elect and his family. Various sources within the Buzz recently revealed the not-so-secret nicknames.
Mr. Obama will be known as ‘Renegade’ (move over, Lorenzo Lamas). Michelle, a woman of many talents, will be referred to as ‘Renaissance.’ Malia Obama's name will be ‘Radiance,’ while little sister Sasha's will be ‘Rosebud.’”
Most Americans were unaware of this policy, but the Secret Service has code names for every politician and bigwig under its protection. Some are fitting, while others are truly perplexing. Since the mainstream media has no compunction about revealing super-secret government information anymore, these code names are available for the entire world to see. Imagine: thanks to the press, knuckleheads like Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Il, and even Joy Behar are now privy to formerly classified information.
Strangely enough, the gabby gals on The View were discussing this very practice in between catfights this week, and Behar and company unleashed other formerly secret code names over the airwaves. Since there is no reason to close the barn door after the cows let the horses escape, here is a rundown of the previous unknown code names:
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D – CA). Thankfully, members of the Secret Service are professionals, and would never let personal feelings get in the way of a job well done. Guarding one of the most abrasive personalities inside the Beltway is a difficult job, but it is one that the Service prides itself upon. To lighten the somber mood swirling around the Speaker of the House, the USSS gleefully refer to Pelosi by her code name: The Cryptkeeper.
Sen. Ted Stevens (R – AK). The senator from Alaska was convicted on seven felony counts of failing to disclose a quarter of a million dollars in gifts and home improvements. Stevens refused calls to resign, and as of early this week, he was actually leading in his bid for re-election! If Stevens wins the race, he will be the first convicted felon elected to the Senate. Upon hearing this news, the Secret Service was nonplussed: After working for President Clinton, a corrupt senator would be a walk in the perfectly remodeled home. However, Stevens will have to be addressed by his revamped code name: Bob Vila.
Chairman of the DNC Howard Dean (D – VT). The former governor of Vermont and current chair of the Democratic National Committee is still a big player in Washington, D.C. – especially with a Democrat back in the White House. Dean has been in his full glory since Election Day, and has told everyone who will listen how big a part he played in Obama’s ascendance to power. The Service has the perfect code name for Dean, the man who lost the 2004 Democrat nomination with the Yelp Heard ‘Round the World . . . Screaming Mimi.
Congressman Ron Paul (R – TX). The congressman from the great state of Texas has legions of loyal followers, whose numbers only multiplied when Paul ran for president as the Republican dark horse. While his vote tallies never increased, his online support exploded. Some of Paul’s supporters were more “fervent” than others, leading some pundits to refer to his fans as “Paulbots.” The Secret Service capitalized on this adoration, and relished Paul’s code name: R2-D2.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Visiting dignitaries are awarded code names, as well. Those openly hostile to America are given more sarcastic nicknames, and they do not come more hostile than Ahmadinejad. A Holocaust denier, a sworn enemy of Israel, and biggest thorn in President Bush’s side warrants this little gem: Jerkus Maximus.
Law enforcement is dangerous work. It becomes even more dangerous when taking a bullet for a politician or dignitary is part of the job description. The men and women of the Secret Service are under a lot of stress. Thankfully for them, some of the code names dished out by the White House Communications Agency are rather funny. And when the stress becomes too great, laughter is usually the best medicine.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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