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Five Sept. 11 Suspects to Face Trial in New York

The Obama administration has announced it will try 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other 9-11 Gitmo detainees in a civilian federal court in New York, allowing them the protections of the U.S. Constitution even though they are not U.S. citizens.

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?

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May 24, 2008

Exclusive: Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

While most of us will be spending the Memorial Day weekend vacationing at the beach, roasting weenies in the backyard, or watching Sweatin' to the Oldies Volumes One through Four, the 2008 Republican nominee for President, John McCain, will be accepting applications for the position of Vice-President.

Of course, if you believe the AP story, the only thing that will be going on at Casa de McCain is a great big barbecue.I wonder if anyone will be eating crow?

"It's purely social," said Mark Salter, a senior adviser to McCain.

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, a McCain rival in the primary, were invited to a weekend gathering at the senator's place in Sedona.

Ah, the position of Vice-President: the Garfunkel to McCain's Simon, the Bill to McCain's Hillary, and the A.J. to McCain's rest of The Sopranos.Who in their right mind wouldn't want to be considered for the second most powerful job on earth?Okay, in today's political climate, the American Vice-President actually wields less power than the Speaker of the House, the governor of California, and Family Guy's Mayor of Quahog, Adam West, but it's still a pretty sweet gig.

Let's take a look at the contestants, shall we?

Florida Governor Charlie Crist.Relax, non-Christians, the last name is Crist.There is no "h."Crist would be an obvious choice for McCain because he can deliver Florida's 27 electoral votes, and unlike in the Democrat primary, these votes will actually count for something in the general election. Crist may also help deliver the African-American vote, since Jacksonville Democrat Representative Terry Fields named Crist the state's "first black governor."

Upon hearing the quote, Bill Clinton announced he would like to finish the rest of Crist's term if the governor becomes Vice-President.

Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal.Everybody loves Bobby, and it's not just because he bears a striking resemblance to Ray Romano.Jindal is the real deal and is considered a rising star in the Republican Party. At 36 years old, he can grab some of the youth vote away from Barack Obama, and as a staunch conservative, he can assuage some of the right wing's fears that McCain is not the next Iron Fist of the GOP.

All he needs now is a "Jindal Girl" video on YouTube.

Former Governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney.Romney has all of the ingredients necessary for a successful Vice-President: experience, business acumen, and the hair.Oh Lord, look at the hair!Men with lesser hair have conquered countries, and McCain would be wise to tap into those dominating locks.

Oh yeah, Romney also graduated cum laude from Harvard Law School, excelled at Harvard Business School, and enjoyed a very distinguished governorship.And it was all because of the hair.

While the above three politicians are considered the front-runners for the position, there are also a few dark horses that deserve a mention.Many of these have no shot- no one really believes that McCain will ask Simon Cowell to be his V.P. - but there are a few surprises out there.To wit:

Hearst Newspapers Columnist Helen Thomas. While Thomas would be a surprising choice, there is some logic behind it. First, Thomas will be 88 years old if and when McCain is inaugurated, immediately making McCain look like the "youngster" of the duo.Second, the choice will appease the media by having McCain distance himself from President Bush, Thomas' arch-nemesis. Finally, although John McCain is a very nice guy, every President needs a Rottweiler.Bush had Dick Cheney. FDR had Harry Truman. James Polk had George Dallas.Thomas is just the type of bad girl that McCain needs.Look at her.Who is going to want to wind up on her bad side?

Come to think of it, she doesn't have a good side!

Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.The 2008 Election is an election of firsts.The country has witnessed the first woman run for President (Hillary Clinton), the first African-American to run for President (Barack Obama), and the first Cylon to run for President (Ron Paul).Thus far, the Republican Party is chock full of the "same old, same old."

John McCain can get into the "first" fray by choosing Kilpatrick to be the first indicted felon to run for Vice-President.Imagine the buzz that would surround the campaign: perjury, misconduct in office, and obstruction of justice.Kilpatrick has it all, and can lock up the criminal vote that had historically been bought and paid for by the Democrats.

Well, there you have it.These are the choices facing John McCain this holiday weekend.The entire future of the campaign may be riding on the decision.

And you thought choosing between hot dogs and hamburgers would be a nightmare.

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