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December 13, 2008
Exclusive: In Rod We Trust
Hello America, my name is Rod Blagojevich, and I am the current governor of the great state of Illinois. Of course, by the time you read this my term may have, um, “expired” through no fault of my own. For those of you who have seen my face, make no mistake: I am not “an older-looking Bobby Brady” and am not “a younger-looking Stephen King.”
Recently, I have been the target of a sneak attack by my fellow politicians, my constituents, and the media. You may have heard some terrible things being said about me and my administration, but I implore you to take them with a grain of salt the size of Helen Hunt’s forehead.
For example, here is what those ratfinks at The Chicago Tribune have said about me:
“The governor and his chief of staff, John Harris, were simultaneously charged with conspiracy to commit wire fraud and solicitation to commit bribery as part of what officials say was a wide-ranging scheme to shakedown campaign donors and politicians for high-paying posts and millions of dollars in campaign contributions.
Allegedly for sale: state jobs, state contracts and regulatory favors. In one surreal development, prosecutors said Blagojevich even tried to get critical editorial writers from the Chicago Tribune fired in exchange for helping parent Tribune Co. with a state plan to finance the purchase of Wrigley Field.”
Allegedly for sale: state jobs, state contracts and regulatory favors. In one surreal development, prosecutors said Blagojevich even tried to get critical editorial writers from the Chicago Tribune fired in exchange for helping parent Tribune Co. with a state plan to finance the purchase of Wrigley Field.”
Oh, that’s nice. It is also completely untrue. In my opinion, the Tribune has sunk lower than my current single-digit approval numbers. I am glad they are going bankrupt, as most people wouldn’t wrap their bundles of illegal bribe money with that rag! However, in an effort to clear the air, here is the complete truth about this federal investigation, which I offer to you against the wishes of my shyster lawyer.
In 2005, U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald – or as I call him, the Devil – alleged that I awarded the Illinois Tollway fast food contracts to campaign contributors. This allegation is simply not true. In fact, the contracts were given to the most deserving, trustworthy people. And really, who is trustworthier than my oldest, closest friends? Would my constituents really want to be served food by complete strangers? I think not.
The next year, Fitz, er, the Devil tried to link me to Chicago businessman Tony Rezko. Why? It is because my lovely and talented wife just happened to be his business partner for a decade. Hey, I am a bright guy, and I do not see a connection there. Barack Obama had much closer ties to Rezko than I ever did, and you people elected him president! Besides, my lawyer is telling me I do not know Tony Rezko, I never heard of him, and I could not pick him out of a lineup. Of course, I can absolutely vouch for his character. I’m good like that.
Speaking of my good friend, I mean minor acquaintance, Tony Rezko, during his sham trial The Chicago Tribune claimed that I created a $25,000 Club. The fish wrapper alleged that members of this group received special perks and benefits solely because they contributed to my campaigns. Nothing could be further from the truth. The $25,000 Club has nothing to do with fundraising. In reality, it is a religious organization that broadcasts once a week from my modest home. I tell my audience “We’re like the 700 Club, just 35.7 times greater.” Naturally, if my viewers decide to throw a donation our way for corporal works of mercy, we are happy to accept their generosity.
The climax to all of these shenanigans is at the heart of the current charges of corruption, bribery, and mail/wire fraud. The U.S. Attorney’s Office believes that I tried to “sell” Barack Obama’s vacant U.S. Senate seat to the highest bidder. Can you imagine? Fitz, er, the Devil claims that I tried to barter the seat in exchange for a Cabinet post, ambassadorship, or a meaningless, lucrative job. Heck, I am the governor of Illinois – it doesn’t get more lucrative and meaningless than this!
Now, in fairness, I did talk to a few interested parties when choosing a suitable replacement for Sen. Obama. I wanted to find the person whose knowledge, talent, and experience most rivaled Obama’s . . . but Carrot Top was unavailable. I was left with a wide range of choices, including Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr., who offered me close to a million dollars to be appointed to the position. I passed, because I am not for sale, but the press got wind of Jackson’s attempt and are referring to him as “Senate Candidate #5.”
Reportedly, Jackson is angry about the nickname, but he should be thanking me. Imagine how much an endorsement deal with Chanel would be worth! “Candidate #5 loves Chanel #5.” This stuff writes itself!
Anyway, Fitzgerald’s witch-hunt came to an abrupt end on Tuesday morning when he ordered federal agents to place me under arrest. The agents were polite and unassuming, and they even let me activate the siren on the way to FBI headquarters. It was cool. Now, before you recoil in shock, let me assure you that I am taking this incident very seriously. That being said, I will be completely exonerated from these charges because I am honest, dependable, and above reproach.
Why do you think I have “In Rod We Trust” etched on my office door?
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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