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December 20, 2008
Exclusive: A Stupid Kind of Christmas
“It’s the most wonderful time of the year . . .”
That’s right, folks, we are now just five days away from Christmas. For many people, these next few days will represent the home stretch in their gift-buying race. For those people who have not yet begun their shopping, these next few days will present an opportunity to leave the country. Point of order: Iceland is lovely this time of year. Either way, shoppers will be rushing out to the malls to find a gift – any gift – to complete their Christmas list.
In that vein, the web site Stupid.com has released its list of the “Ten Stupidest Gifts of the Holiday Season.” These offerings run the gamut from the sublime to the ridiculous, but the fact that some of these things were created in the first place means that there is someone stupid enough to purchase them.
And speaking of stupid, our elected representatives are right next to that dictionary definition. One would wager that a few – or more than a few – of our public servants would be browsing this list for their aides, supporters, and constituents in these rough economic times. It is the least they can do, since they are personally footing the bill for the bailouts and economic stimulus packages, right? To wit:
Number ten on the Stupid.com list is the Pole Dancer Alarm Clock. No, that is not a typo. Apparently, when the alarm sounds, a plastic exotic “entertainer” dances to the music under a disco ball. Tasteless? Sure. Crass? You bet. Will it be the most popular gift given by (and to) former President Bill Clinton? Absolutely. Slick Willy probably owns one for every room in his house . . . and he will proudly display them when Hillary goes back to Washington, D.C.!
Number seven on the list is the Barack Obama “Yes We Can” Opener. Seriously. Unfortunately for Obama supporters, the item has been recalled. Due to the current economic situation – and considering the president-elect’s cabinet choices – the gift has been renamed the “Yes We Can Go Back to the Clinton Days” Opener. Instead of playing a contemporary tune, the opener plays Right Said Fred’s 1992 hit, “I’m Too Sexy.” The item is not expected to do well in the current market.
Number six on the list is the Underwear Repair Kit. Perfect for the Beltway insider with hygiene and/or fidelity issues. Rumor has it that Sen. Ted Kennedy has already ordered a carton full of these kits, and that Sen Larry Craig has signed an endorsement contract! Just imagine how disturbing that commercial would be.
Topping the list of the Stupidest Gifts is the “Screaming Chicken.” The rubber chicken does not talk or play a tune. It simply screams. Seriously, who would want something like this when we can turn on C-SPAN and listen to the real thing – House Speaker Nancy Pelosi – scream for free?
Now, not all stupid gifts made the Stupid.com top ten list. The real shame being that there are so many gifts that are so terrible, they scream “politician.” or example, earlier this week, surgeons performed a complete face transplant. While the procedure was done on a victim with serious burns, it can also have plastic surgical benefits, as well. Who can deny the fact that Helen Thomas is a prime candidate for this surgery? It is truly the gift that keeps on giving! Money should be no object in this circumstance, and Washington should implement a bailout for Thomas’ craggily old visage.
President Bush received his gifts early this year, when an irate, insane Iraqi journalist threw his shoes at him! Ever the athlete, the president ducked to avoid being hit by the “The Mother of All Loafers,” but upon retrieving them, he was dismayed to find that they were two sizes too big. Hopefully, the journalist kept his gift receipt, so Mr. Bush can make an exchange in 20 to 25 years when he sees the shoe thrower again.
The Christmas season is the time for giving. nd while some people are about as good at picking out the right gift as Adam Sandler is at picking out good scripts, always remember it is the thought that counts. As long as you do not see one of these “gifts” in your stocking this Christmas, it is safe to say that some thought was involved.
Happy holidays, everyone!
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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