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January 3, 2009
Exclusive: The Resolutionary War
Well, the New Year is already up and running, so that means it is time for everyone to start meeting (and ultimately failing) their New Year’s resolutions. For most Americans, New Year’s resolutions are usually made in an effort to better themselves. Folks want to try and lose a few extra holiday pounds, they want to give up smoking or drinking, and some industrious souls even give up watching television in an attempt to rid themselves of Billy Mays and that annoying “ShamWow” guy.
Like most “regular” Americans, the famous and infamous also partake in this January 1st tradition. Of course, their resolutions are more selfless and important – at least in their eyes. Here are a few of their ideas for 2009, recently revealed by secret hobo sources.
Hamas is not exactly starting the New Year off with a bang. Well, actually it is starting it off with many, many loud bangs – courtesy of the Israeli Defense Forces - but not in a good way. This puts a real crimp in its New Year’s resolution, which was to become a terrorist superpower. Hamas was really getting tired of playing second fiddle to al Qaeda, so, like Emeril Lagasse; it decided to “kick it up a notch.” The result? BAM! Israel once again put it in its place.
Well, it’s not all bad for Hamas. Resident American moonbat Cynthia McKinney was en route to their positions with “relief,” until the Israeli navy turned her boat around. McKinney obviously didn’t see the “No Crazy Chicks” sign at the Israeli border.
Speaking of crazy, former vice-president – and current environmental wacko – Al Gore had a resolution of his own. He was planning to ratchet up his global warming notification efforts in 2009. His first speaking engagement was set for fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada . . . until Sin City received 3.6 inches of snow last month! One cannot convincingly promote the idea of “global warming” when the audience is wearing parkas in the desert. Instead, Gore has been telling the nonbelievers that freak snowstorms like this are the result of global warming!
Does anyone else think that Al Gore is the current incarnation of Steve Urkel? No matter how many times his theories are disproved, he always comes back with, “I meant to do that.”
President-elect Barack Obama is looking to be a little more humble in 2009. Considering how arrogant he has been throughout 2008 that would be quite an accomplishment. The man has not even been inaugurated yet, and already there are plans to name schools, towns, and possibly even Chicago’s Midway Airport after him! As if the presidential coin wasn’t bad enough.
One would hope that Obama would downplay the hero worship, but that’s not his style. Remember, this is the man who likened himself to a savior, and wrapped himself in swaddling clothes . . . from Saks Fifth Avenue.
Naturally, these salutations have gone to Obama’s head, and he gleefully accepts the love. While the rest of the world is worrying about the stock market, the bailouts, and the Israel/Hamas conflict, Barack Obama is focused upon the most important thing: himself. Besides, why should he be concerned with all of this bad news when he is (again) vacationing in fabulous sunny Hawaii? A few missile strikes and an impending war are easily forgotten when you’re putting for par or bodysurfing with your friends.
Don’t worry, America. Barack Obama cares about your problems and the problems plaguing the world today. He just doesn’t care until he gets back to the mainland.
Outgoing President George Bush made his 2009 resolution eight years ago. Specifically, when he left the White House, he would never return to the Beltway again. After almost a decade of being blamed for everything from the September 11th attacks to Tom Cruise’s latest failed movie, President Bush wants to get back to Crawford, Texas immediately.
At least in Crawford, he only gets blamed for not taking out the garbage.
Again, many people make many resolutions this time of year. Many people also fail or quit them within a few weeks. The trick is to make a concerted effort, and to apply a little will power and self-control. It also helps if the resolution is a reasonable one. Sean Penn can try to be less of a liberal, America-hating creep in 2009, but really, what are the chances of that?
Good luck with your personal resolutions, and Happy New Year, everyone!
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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