Exclusive: Hi, I’m Senator Al Franken – and if You Don’t Like Me, You’re a $%&! Jerk

by PAM MEISTER January 6, 2009

 

Hi, I'm Al Franken. Many of you may know me as the effeminate self-affirmation expert Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live, a drunken Amtrak baggage handler in the movie Trading Places, or – in my biggest role to date – an angry talk show host on the failed (financially, not morally or ideologically, of course) talk show network Air America. Oh, wait, that last one wasn't a fictional character. Oh well, they say truth is stranger than fiction.
 
You may also know me from my writings, which frankly deserve to put me on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist – or at the very least they should be included in high school and college syllabi around the nation: Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot, Lies (and the Lying Liars who Tell Them) and, my favorite, "Porn-o-Rama," an article I wrote for that distinguished literary magazine Playboy. What the (bleep) do you mean? Of course it's a literary magazine! Everyone says they read it for the articles.
 
Anyhoo, I'm just about to sign the contract for my next big gig: Senator from the great state of Minnesota! Getting rid of – I mean, defeating Norm Coleman wasn't easy. First, I had to actually campaign. It was really tough answering questions at events where only one person showed up. Boy, I feel sorry for that guy – just imagine the pressure he was under! And some people may tell you I'm a bully and have a foul mouth, but I'm here to say that's simply not true. I just don't like (bleep) conservatives – especially those who come to my events and who work for talk radio hosts who are more successful and better looking than me.
 
So then there was the election, and that (bleep) jerk Coleman beat me out by a lousy 726 votes. 726? I thought for sure I would win with a crushing majority, what with riding on the coattails of Obama and my D-list Hollywood fame and all. Fortunately for me, Minnesota has this great deal where recounts are automatic if the winner wins by a margin of less than one half of one percent. So it now turns out that instead of losing to Coleman by less than a thousand votes, I'm about to be named "the winnah" by 225 votes. Hey, is it my fault that election officials might be double-counting ballots? I’m in it to win – I mean, I’m in it to serve the people of Minnesota, bless their hearts. But only those Minnesotans who voted for me, the number of which seems to be growing by the day.
 
The latest, of course, is that Coleman is planning on suing. What a (bleep) baby. Of course, I probably would have done the same thing, but it’s the principle of the thing. When Republicans win, the election is rigged. Ever since Bushie stole the 2000 election they think they can get away with it. Well, they haven’t met the likes of Al Franken before!
 
But you know what the best thing about being in the Senate will be? The vision and dental plans. I’m sick of having glasses like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, and I really am looking forward to getting a set of choppers as impressive as Joe Biden’s.
 
So now I’m off to Washington, where I’ll be welcomed by giants like Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. It’ll be great – just like being back on the set of SNL, but with actual power, like the ability to vote for my own raises instead of having to wait for beleaguered radio networks to cough up the cash. (I have a feeling that Harry Reid will be easier to fool than Lorne Michaels was.) I’m also looking forward to Caroline Kennedy being named to replace Hillary Clinton. Maybe she’ll let me write about her for my next article for Playboy – illustrated! Camelot, here I come.
 
Pam Meister is the editor for FamilySecurityMatters.org.

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