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January 10, 2009
Exclusive: And Now, an Important Message from Ayman Al-Zawahiri
Good morning, Fidels and infidels! My name is Ayman al-Zawahiri, and I am the second in command of al Qaeda Terrorism Incorporated (AQTI). Our Zionist lawyers advised us to incorporate our organization so we would not be personally liable for any lawsuits. It was a terrific move on our part, because the sergeant-at-arms of Hamas recently lost half of his goat herd to a man who claimed their sporadic gunfire nicked the paint of his brand new 1975 Dodge Dart. It was a real shame, especially since we in the Middle East rarely see such modern vehicles. But I digress.
I felt the need to reintroduce myself to you Yankee dogs because our corporation has not been garnering much press coverage of late. Just a few years ago, we were the hottest terrorists around. Our employees spent their days playing cat and mouse with the American military in an attempt to thwart their “freedom” nonsense at every turn. When our operatives survived an encounter with the infidels – which, admittedly, was rare – we partied the night away at Spago Kabul – the trendiest nightclub this side of Mogadishu. Alas, Wolfgang Puck doesn’t appear there as often as he could, because the big baby has an irrational fear of terror cells. However, we still danced the night away, shrieked until dawn, and occasionally earned a lovely lady’s “digits.” I still remember Afshan because her phone number was so easy to remember: 2.
Fast forward to 2009. Al Qaeda barely gets a mention on the gossip pages anymore. The world media is now enamored with young punks like Hamas and Greenpeace. Greenpeace! Do you know that they have their own reality show on The Discovery Channel? Of course, we do not get satellite television in the cave, but I hear that “Whale Wars” has become a hit. Similarly, Hamas is hogging the spotlight ever since Israel invaded the Gaza Strip. They are scoring top-notch interviews and even a full hour with Larry King. Heck, The New York Times, our most fervent supporter, doesn’t even return my phone calls. At this point, we cannot even get arrested in Baghdad. It is really ruining our “Q” rating!
So, who or what is to blame for our recent popularity decline? The reasons are many, but the underlying source is the same: Karl Rove. Allow me to elaborate:
First of all, while Rove has resigned his position of White House Chief of Staff, he still maintains a Svengali-like hold on “The Great Satan,” President George W. Bush. Karl Rove carefully orchestrates every move Bush makes. He is “The Man Behind the Curtain” and has been a pork chop in our side for almost a decade. I know that Bush has only a week and a half left in his brutal dictatorship, and to be honest, my fellow freedom fighters and I will miss him. For the past eight years, we have blamed Bush for everything from our heavy battle losses to NBC’s remake of Knight Rider. Seriously, how can you remake that classic series without David Hasselhoff? That was probably Rove’s idea, too.
Secondly, Rove completely manipulated the 2008 American elections in an effort to destroy al Qaeda’s newsworthiness. He deftly arranged a match up between a war hero and the first African-American candidate. Throw in a woman and a moron for vice-presidential candidates and the media immediately forgets our saber rattling. Do you not believe me? How else do you explain the fact that a man with no experience, no ideas, and no command of the English language – without a teleprompter – was elected President of the United States? If that were possible without Rove’s interference, idiots like Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton would be elected to the office. Oh, wait . . .
Finally, Karl Rove has always controlled the American media, and is even more powerful now that he is a contributor at FOX News. Sure, a lot of infidels believe that FOX is the political arm of the evil Bush administration, but unlike our video transmissions, their numbers do not lie. Rove is responsible for these numbers, in large part to his suggestion that the network hire disgraceful, leggy reporter-ettes. Laurie Dhue? Megyn Kelly? These women are ratings bonanzas with which we cannot compete. Have you ever seen Osama without his headscarf and tunic? The man looks like a yeti – without the pleasant aroma!
Look, we know that the infidel Karl Rove cannot stay in the media spotlight forever, but we are taking the necessary steps to force our message to the front of the class. As I am writing this article, our ally Muqtada al-Sadr is in the process of hiring a Manhattan public relations firm. His only instructions are to steer well clear of any company who handles Lindsay Lohan or Danny Bonaduce. Even we cannot handle that kind of bad press.
If things get any worse for us, we’ll have to air our threatening messages on Air America!
Oh yeah, Death to America, blah, blah, blah.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.
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