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HOME > PUBLICATIONS > Exclusive: Hope. Change. Free Stuff!

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Five Sept. 11 Suspects to Face Trial in New York

The Obama administration has announced it will try 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other 9-11 Gitmo detainees in a civilian federal court in New York, allowing them the protections of the U.S. Constitution even though they are not U.S. citizens.

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?






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January 24, 2009

Exclusive: Hope. Change. Free Stuff!

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Rejoice, “O” America, for unto us a savior has been given. President Barack Obama is now officially in office, and is ready to perform his duties as the nation’s 44th president. For some Americans, the news of Obama’s inauguration was greeted with about as much fanfare as new Steven Seagal film. Straight to video, baby! For others, it is an event eclipsed only by the Second Coming in both breadth and scope. However, unlike the Second Coming, the populace will be rewarded with endless amounts of entitlements. During the Second Coming, they only receive grace and love. Cash value: zero.
 
The Obama Entitlement Attitude (OEA) appeared early in his presidential campaign, spurred on by the former Illinois senator’s primary platforms: hope and change. This man has those two buzzwords tattooed on his fists, a la Robert Mitchum in Cape Fear. Now, that is commitment. The platforms are defined as follows: Hope for a better future, and change from the elitist “Work for your livelihood” attitude of the evil Bush administration. Unfortunately, it has spawned a whole slew of unrealistic expectations from his supporters and detractors alike – and it has become irritating almost at once.
 
For example, during the elections, there was a popular interview starring a female Obama supporter. She went before the camera and claimed “I won’t have to worry about putting gas in my car. I won’t have to worry about paying my mortgage. If I help him, he’s gonna help me.” At this very moment, this poor woman is sitting in her car on the side of the road with an empty gas tank. The misguided gal is still waiting for President Obama to drive up, exit his limo with a gas can, and put gas in her vehicle. The entire situation is funny, but not “Ha, ha” funny.
 
Sadly, attitudes like these are quickly becoming the rule and not the exception. Why just last week, the ladies from The View bragged that they would be on the air forever, because the election of Barack Obama meant guaranteed high ratings for them. Curiously enough, Barbara Walters declared that Obama would eradicate her trademark lisp, and Whoopi Goldberg stated that the new president would cure her of her foot-in-mouth disease. Yes, apparently Barack Obama can perform miracles.
 
Other Hollywood types are also jazzed about the election of the nation’s first African-American president. D-List actress Jennifer Lopez has not made a successful film in, well, forever, but soon that will “change.” President Obama has pledged his allegiance – ironically with his hand on his heart this time – to his friends in Los Angeles. The Obama Plan is to hire 300,000 unemployed Americans to serve as professional filmgoers. This serves the dual purpose of lowering the unemployment figures while simultaneously boosting the careers of has-been thespians. It’s win freakin’ win!
 
Obama’s political cronies will have their hands out this week, and not just to shake the new commander-in-chief’s hand, but also to get a hold of some goodies. Radical environmentalist (and inventor of the Internet) Al Gore will be provided with all of the bogus statistical data necessary to continue his inconvenient ranting. He will also receive the first ever personality transplant. This should be a quick and painless procedure, since surgeons will not have to remove a personality, just install one.
 
One wouldn’t think that Caroline Kennedy would be seeking a handout, because what does one give the woman who has everything? New York Governor David Paterson was thinking of giving Kennedy the senate seat vacated by Hillary Clinton, but in a remarkable act of selflessness, Barack Obama has agreed to give Princess Caroline his sense of humility. After all, the president has not had much use for it lately.
 
Regular citizens and “average Joes” will be getting theirs, too. Or so they believe. Okay, average plumbers named Joe will get nothing and like it, but other Joes should expect the world. Every citizen that voted for The One will receive the following entitlements: One free bank loan in the amount of their choosing, straight A’s for their children no matter where they are enrolled, and the ceramic Dalmatian from Wheel of Fortune. Truly, these are the gifts that keep on giving.
 
These examples would be humorous if they weren’t so tragic. Many of President Obama’s supporters truly believe that his election will bring them hope, change, and free stuff. In reality, his presidency will bring nothing more than bigger government, higher taxes, and some snappy catch phrases not seen since the Hoover administration. Look how well that election turned out. Yes We Can, indeed.
 
So, rush out and purchase your tickets, America! The Obama Entitlement Attitude has arrived on track one, and is now accepting passengers. All aboard the crazy train!
 
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective fromPhilly. You can visit his blog here.

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