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January 30, 2009
Exclusive: Trillion Dollar Baby
Two weeks ago, Barack Obama was sworn in as the nation’s 44th president. Millions of Americans reveled in the HopeyChange that was being offered by the new administration, and sat back to await their unicorns, free gasoline, and lifetime subscriptions to Maxim magazine.
They are still waiting.
Unfortunately, most voters failed to realize that it is rather difficult to keep promises of unicorns, free fuel, and a supermodel in every bathtub when the economy is failing faster than Oprah’s latest diet. Something needed to be done, and as usual, our friends in Congress had a solution: We’ll spend our way to prosperity! In the course of the last week, President Obama’s “economic stimulus package” was fast approaching the $900 billion – that’s billion with a “b” – mark. According to The Wall Street Journal, the money will be spent thusly:
[A] $365.6 billion spending measure for such brick-and-mortar projects as highways and bridges; a $180 billion measure to boost jobless benefits and Medicaid, among other things; and a $275 billion tax-relief package, which includes a plan to give a $500 payroll tax holiday to all workers.
Almost a trillion dollars in spending and they want to give the American worker a lousy $500 payroll tax holiday? Most tourists would enjoy a better “holiday” clearing landmines in Bosnia! Naturally, there is enough pork in the plan to send a radical Islamist screaming into the night – courtesy of the Speaker of the House, Nancy “BOTOX” Pelosi. San Fran Nan thought it would be just swell if millions of dollars were shuttled to family planning services. In effect, Pelosi wanted to submit a contraceptive measure into the bill. Now that’s leadership we can (family) plan upon!
Pelosi tried (and failed) to sell her package of shenanigans to George Stephanopoulos on ABC’s This Week:
"Hundreds of millions of dollars to expand family planning services. How is that stimulus?" asked Stephanopoulos.
"Well, the family planning services reduce cost," said Pelosi. "They reduce cost. The states are in terrible fiscal budget crises now and part of what we do for children's health, education and some of those elements are to help the states meet their financial needs. One of those -- one of the initiatives you mentioned, the contraception, will reduce costs to the states and to the federal government."
On second thought, this measure may not be all bad. Especially if the contraceptive services can be retroactive to say, about 230 years ago, when Nancy was a twinkle in her father’s eye. This way, someone can pass this news to Pelosi’s parents, and save the country from her idiotic and nonsensical reign.
Not to be outdone, other Beltway insiders have tried to toss a few pork bellies into the mix as well. Disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich requested a $50 million stipend for hair care products and a weekly consultation with his hairdo guru, Donald Trump. Sure, pretty soon Blago will be spending a lot of time in Club Fed, but he’ll look fabulous while he’s there.
The Dubai-based news network Al-Arabiya is also making a request for government funds: a bold move for a foreign corporation. The network’s spokesperson cited a desire for $35 million to be used for local and international promotion as “The Official Network of President Barack Obama.” Sadly, this request has come under fire from ABC, NBC, CBS, CNN, and MSNBC, who are all making a similar claim.
New York Governor David Paterson is presenting his case for $25 million. The governor was quoted as saying, “I need this compensation for my pain, suffering, and mental anguish. Lord knows I have received as much after the Carolina Kennedy debacle.” When told that the Kennedy senator flap was a result of his own indecision, Paterson replied, “Um, okay, let’s make it $10 million, then.” The man drives a hard bargain.
The truly despicable part of this stimulus package mess is that this road to economic recovery was paved with good intentions . . . and union bricks. In fairness, President Obama inherited this quagmire, which was caused mostly by the same members of Congress who are now saying, “Gimme, gimme, gimme!” This tomfoolery will probably end as badly as a Saturday Night Live skit.
Speaking of SNL, there is a scene from the Chris Farley/David Spade film Tommy Boy, where Spade’s character is seen driving a mint condition Plymouth GTX. The paint job is perfect, the ragtop is pristine, and the wheel rims sparkle. Then, after a series of unfortunate – yet comical – events, the vehicle sustains more and more damage. By the end of the film, the car has no doors, no roof, and smells like melted M&M’s. This is an apt euphemism for the current bailouts and economic stimulus packages. Sure, spending our way out of an economic tsunami sounds like a good idea, but after the politicians are finished tweaking the plan to fit their individual agendas, the original concept is unrecognizable.
The American economy used to be a 1969 Ford Mustang. It was sleek, powerful, and its performance was above reproach. Unfortunately, our elected officials are now wasting time and energy trying to convert it into a 1959 Edsel.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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