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Five Sept. 11 Suspects to Face Trial in New York

The Obama administration has announced it will try 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other 9-11 Gitmo detainees in a civilian federal court in New York, allowing them the protections of the U.S. Constitution even though they are not U.S. citizens.

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?

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May 31, 2008

Exclusive: Running the City from his Parents’ Basement

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Remember when 19-year-olds were slackers who spent their days eating fast food, hanging out on street corners, and generally disappointing their parents? Remember when 19-year-olds were more interested in voting on American Idol than in a general election?

Apparently, John Tyler Hammons didn't get the memo.

Next week, the skinny, fresh-faced kid will be sworn in as mayor - yes, mayor - of Muskogee, Oklahoma; a town made famous by the Merle Haggard song "Okie From Muskogee"

Merle Haggard? In his first act as mayor, Hammons should find another reason to make his town famous.Of course, when your city's claims to fame are being the hometown of Robert Reed (Mr. Brady from The Brady Bunch) and leading the state in homicides five times in the last decade, suddenly being immortalized by a country singer doesn't seem so bad.

Mayor-Elect Hammons has long been interested in all facets of politics.In high school, he simultaneously served as president of the Young Republicans and the Young Democrats. Great, this guy already has a penchant for flip-flopping.Perhaps he should look for employment with Sen. John Kerry.He probably would have landed the position of the Young Communists, too, but they regard high school political clubs as "fodder for the proletariat."

Hammons defeated former three-term mayor Hershel McBride in a landslide, garnering 70% of the vote - one percent for every year of McBride's life. Muskogee residents had to choose between a 19-year-old kid and a 70-year-old coot. It must have been like voting between Stewie Griffin and C. Montgomery Burns:

"Hmm, I don't think I like Hammons' idea of stocking the soda machines with Coors Light, and changing the city's official song to ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit.' On the other hand, I certainly don't approve of McBride's promise to install a city-wide bedtime of 7 p.m."

The mayor-elect is due to move out of his dorm at the University of Oklahoma, and move back with his parents.Hammons claims the move is only temporary, of course, because as everyone knows, no child has ever moved back to their parents' house and stayed for a long period of time. Sources close to the mayor's family reported that Hammons has already "called dibs" on the master bedroom, and seized the garage as his "Executive Mansion."

An article appearing at Yahoo! Games noted that Hammons is an avid gamer.Maybe he should have run for Game Commissioner instead?One of his personal favorites is Halo 3, which honed his hand-eye coordination.This should prove useful when Mayor Hammons kisses a baby on his left, and takes a child's lollipop on his right. Reports that Hammons will commandeer the local movie theater to play Grand Theft Auto IV on the big screen are as yet unconfirmed. The Yahoo! Games article continues:

"But while he could own any of his peers at Halo 3, the fresh-faced leader is turning his sights on cleaning up the town's politics by establishing an independent ethics commission and locking down campaign finance reporting."

Oh, come on.Muskogee, Oklahoma - a town of 38,000 - has problems with campaign finance reform?What happened? Did some overzealous politico use a $2 off coupon on copy paper while printing leaflets from his computer?Or maybe some would-be city councilman branded "Vote For Jeb Swanson" on a steer?Oh, Lord, someone get Russ Feingold on the first flight to Muskogee!

Many residents of Muskogee feel that the youngster is the personification of hope and change. Now, where have they heard that before?Hammons cannot represent politics as usual, because the kid has only been legally eligible to vote for one year! Even the most liberal Democrat is not fully corrupted until the age of 20 (although their indoctrination begins in grade school).

Despite his aggressive run at local politics, Hammons shares the same interests of many people his age.He enjoys movies, fast cars, and rock music. (And if he's anything like 30-something satirists, he also has a crush on Jessica Biel.)True to form, when a young, smart, and handsome politician is interviewed, some intrepid (read: idiotic) reporter is going to ask the person about his love life:

"Right now I'm between girlfriends," he said, "so I'm looking to fill that position."

Sorry to burst your bubble, kid, but the position of mayor of Muskogee, Oklahoma comes with the lofty salary of zero dollars and zero cents. It is an unpaid position, and no matter how smart and enthusiastic you are, the babes usually aren't throwing themselves at poor guys who live with their parents.

Just ask George Costanza.

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