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February 21, 2009
Exclusive: Viva La Cucaracha!
Pity the Venezuelan people. After suffering under the iron fist of an incompetent jackass for over a decade, they had their chance to throw him into the glue factory. Unfortunately for them, Hugo Chávez is the South American Energizer Bunny, and his reign just keeps going, and going. The country’s election law referendum was held last weekend, and if the results are any indication, President Chávez is dipping himself in Citgo oil and sliding around the palace in his underwear.
Yes, he is that happy:
"Those who voted "yes" today voted for socialism, for revolution," Chavez thundered to thousands of ecstatic supporters jamming the streets around the presidential palace. Fireworks lit up the Caracas skyline, and one man walked though the crowd carrying a painting of Chavez that read: "Forever."
As Mel Brooks said in History of the World, Part 1: “It’s good to be the king.” And there it is. With the elimination of term limits guaranteed by this vote, Chávez literally becomes Hugo Boss. He can chase hot and cold running women around his presidential compound. He can ride around the countryside in a solid gold Humvee while mocking the poor. Heck, he can appoint himself Treasury Secretary and refuse to pay taxes! Chávez, like Eliot Ness or MC Hammer, is untouchable. Some pundits declared that with this referendum victory, Chávez could effectively cement a dictatorship.
Hello? Are there still people out there who thought that Chávez was not heading toward a dictatorship? Anything is possible, since millions of Americans thought Barack Obama would bring “hope and change” instead of “scandal and financial ruin.” The Chavez deniers are probably the same people who think Saddam Hussein really earned 99.9% of the Iraqi vote during his reign of terror. Oh, that other .01%? They were too busy being tortured by Hussein’s family to get out and vote.
Now, no one is making the case that Hugo Chávez is torturing his own people, but he certainly is torturing the United States. The elimination of term limits means that America will have to endure Hugo Gone Wild. Thankfully, he should be fully clothed. This is the man who addressed the United Nations General Assembly by comparing President George W. Bush to Satan. First of all, Bush was not Satan. His skin was not red, he did not have horns attached to his skull, and he did not sport a tail . . . as far as we knew. It is possible that Bush received tailor-made suits that camouflaged an extra appendage, but eventually, that information would have become public. Watching Bush knock Helen Thomas of her chair with a swipe of his tail would certainly be considered must-see TV, but I doubt it is conceivable.
Second of all, if Bush were Satan, then he is more powerful than anyone on Earth. It would probably not be a good career move to threaten him – especially with Darth Vader as his second-in-command. Until Venezuela gets a more powerful one-two punch, Hugo should tread lightly. He won’t, though, because Hugo likes to break all of the rules. That being said, the chance that Hugo Chávez could be elected president-for-life is not good news for the States, no matter who is currently in Office.
Expect these trends to continue throughout the Barack Obama presidency. An unleashed Chávez has already become a nightmare for the former senator from Illinois. Always the prankster, Hugo has been calling the White House at 3 a.m. and saying, “Barack, this is that 3 a.m. phone call. Are you ready . . . to give the phone to Michelle? Ha!” He then hangs up, only to call an hour later to ask if Obama’s refrigerator is running. When the president replies, “Why, yes it is,” Chavez browbeats him for his raping and pillaging of the environment.
Alas, it will not stop there. Reports have surfaced that Chávez will thumb his nose at the rest of the civilized world by pairing up with his old – very old – friend Fidel Castro. The two are expected to embark on their self-titled Commie Tour, ’09; a madcap adventure aimed at annoying and enlightening the West.
The duo plan to track down French president Nicholas Sarkozy, pin him against the wall, and deliver three wet willies and an atomic wedgie. Once that feat is accomplished, Chávez and Castro will head to a German Biergarten and make drunken passes at Chancellor Angela Merkel. One can only imagine Chávez yelling “Ich bin ein hottie!” Commie Tour ’09 is slated to end in Great Britain, where the socialists are to congratulate Prime Minister Gordon Brown on his own foray into socialism. Adopting the Euro and selling 60% of England’s gold is just the thing to endear oneself to two blubbering Marxists.
Let’s face it: 50 years of uninterrupted Chávez rule would stink worse than Ishtar.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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