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March 7, 2009
Exclusive: The Knights of the Round Wet Bar
Ah, Britannia! You are the heart of the vaunted British Empire, the home of the Magna Carta, and the birthplace of the Industrial Revolution. Nations have trembled at the sight of your armed forces and bowed at the writings of your literary giants. The accomplishments of your sons and daughters have built a reputation of honor and integrity.
And you folks are screwing it up in one fell swoop!
Earlier this week, Prime Minister Gordon Brown made an announcement that sent ripples through the brandy snifters of Democrat bluebloods everywhere. Apparently, the Brits have seen fit to award oft-inebriated, never duplicated Massachusetts Sen. Edward Kennedy with an honorary knighthood. Seriously.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced the honor Wednesday during an address to a joint session of Congress in Washington. Kennedy, who is battling brain cancer, did not attend Brown's speech.
Brown said Kennedy had helped bring peace to Northern Ireland, expand health care for Americans and improve access to education for children around the world.
"And for all those things we owe a great debt to the life and courage of Sen. Edward Kennedy,” Brown said.
Forget blood pudding, Shepherd’s pie, and warm ale; this decision is more nauseating than all of them combined! Uncle Ted Kennedy? The same Ted Kennedy who was involved in that “car accident” at Chappaquiddick, barhopped until dawn with his “nephews,” and ran a Dennis Kucinich-esque campaign for president in 1980? That Ted Kennedy? Prime Minister Brown must surely realize that in English lore, Kennedy would be more suited as an honorary dragon than an honorary knight!
One wonders if Kennedy would be granted a suit of armor, which would be appropriate considering Kennedy’s affection for beer cans. Propping the senator upon a draft horse would not be the smartest idea, though, since Uncle Ted has not been slim and trim since his brother’s administration. Of course, who would not pay good money to see Kennedy participate in a joust with John Kerry? The “Boston Massacre” can be aired on pay-per-view for $40 a head, with the advertising proceeds going back to the American taxpayer. Now there is a stimulus package everyone can agree upon.
The perplexing part of this story is that there are so many other obvious choices to receive an honorary knighthood that the liberal senator from Hyannis Port. Our current Secretary of State is at the front of this rat pack. Hillary Clinton has always presented herself as the queen of American politics, although her 2008 coronation did not exactly go as she planned. Clinton fancies herself as a modern statesman and an expert in all things political, yet she continues to play the role of Prince Charles – the uncrowned ruler in waiting. Either way, she continues to be a royal pain in the butt for the rest of the world.
West Virginia Sen. Robert Byrd would be another apt choice for Kennedy’s honor. He is equally as inept as Kennedy and Clinton, but much more entertaining. Why not reward the man with an audience with the Queen? After all, Byrd has held flourishing titles before, such as Senate majority Whip, Senate Minority Leader – an ironic title, given his history – and President pro tempore of the United States Senate. One wonders if Byrd would hold an honorary knighthood in the same regard as his earliest title: Exalted Cyclops of the Ku Klux Klan.
Although not an American politician, conservative talk show demigod Rush Limbaugh should be considered for an honorary knighthood. Surprised? You shouldn’t be. Limbaugh has been slaying the dragons of liberalism for years, while simultaneously rescuing the damsels of conservatism from the clutches of political correctness. Besides, when President Barack Obama labels the man “Public Enemy Number One,” how can Rush not be celebrated as a hero?
Okay, these examples may appear to be outlandish, but are they really more perplexing than Kennedy’s nomination? Whoever decided to bestow a knighthood upon Uncle Ted should probably be submitted to a Breathalyzer, because this announcement appears to be the result of downing massive amounts of Bass Pale Ale.
Throughout history, Great Britain has been a beacon of hope and intellect for the rest of the world. Their elegance and class has always been above reproach. The honorary knighthood of Sen. Edward Kennedy, however, makes about as much sense as naming Benny Hill the Archbishop of Canterbury.
God Save the Queen . . . and Us All.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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