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April 18, 2009
Exclusive: And Now, an Important Message from Sen. Al Franken
Good morning, my fellow Minnesotans! My name is Sen. Al Franken, and I am reporting for duty! Sen. Al Franken – that just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? Okay, I realize that I have not yet been seated in the United States Senate, but that is a mere formality. The Minnesota courts have certified my Paul Bunyan-sized election victory, and the second that windbag Norm Coleman gives up his futile resistance, I will be packing my bags for Washington. There, I will begin my mission: To eradicate every pop culture mention of my alter ego: Stuart Smalley.
Now, I am sure many of you are filled with trepidation at my election to the Senate – a landslide, by the way. And before you make fun, 312 votes is a landslide in Minnesota. We think differently up here, especially since most of us have frost on the brain. Heck, we elected Jesse “The Body” Ventura governor, for crying out loud, and he is a box office bomb! Minnesota now has an elected representative who can fill theaters with adoring fans, since my blockbuster hit Stuart Saves His Family earned $900,000! How’s that for gravitas? In any event, I can assure you that I will bring the same wisdom, common sense, and integrity to Congress that Nancy Pelosi and Jack Murtha possess in spades. Why do I hear giggling?
So, what can Minnesotans expect from their new senator? Well, I have several ideas that are poised to take the state (and the country) in an entirely new direction – that is, if President Obama and Speaker Pelosi think it is okay to do so. Unfortunately for all of you folks, that direction is south.
My first order of business is to declare President Obama’s birthday a statewide holiday. Don’t worry; Harry Reid said he could grant me this power because the GOP hasn’t the votes to block me. What better reward for a president whose first 100 days were more monumental than any in American history? I mean, an American president flying to the Indian Ocean, single-handedly boarding that boat and rescuing a sea captain from his pirate captors? That is the stuff of which legends are made! When was the last time you read anything heroic about Teddy Roosevelt or George Washington? Never, that’s when.
Similarly, I intend to win over the hearts and minds of my Minnesota electorate by cleaning up their airwaves. They will no longer have to tolerate “popular and successful” personalities like Rush Limbaugh and Bill O’Reilly. Instead, I will demand that all of Limbaugh’s affiliates broadcast The Janeane Garofalo Show from this point forward. Janeane is a beautiful, funny, brilliant woman whose take on the world – insane as it may be – is the kind of viewpoint that deserves an audience . . . whether they like it or not. In fact, the only “Rush” I want to hear is the rush of radio listeners to the airsickness bags after five minutes of Janeane.
As far as O’Reilly is concerned, he will be vacating the Minnesota airwaves as well. I pledge to hijack his nightly television broadcasts and replace them with the cable access version of Air America On TV. The people of my state have been entertained for a long time, and with Al Franken at the helm, those good times will stop, post haste.
This new era of good feeling is not without its sacrifices, however. It is my duty to inform you that I will be raising taxes almost immediately. Now, normally a senator has no power to do this, but the Obama administration is drawing up legislation to give senators, congressmen, and dogcatchers that privilege. Strangely enough, a Minneapolis dogcatcher has more experience and more intelligence than I do, but that’s another story for another day.
Of course, the taxes will be applied liberally – Get it? “Liberally?” I’m a comedian, ya know – and they will also be applied unfairly. All registered Republicans will see their taxes increase by 20%, while registered Democrats will see theirs decline by 20%. I think it’s good when we spread the wealth around, and you can quote me on that. This news will be hard to swallow for many of you, and I understand, since I know a lot about high taxes. Heck, I refused to pay them from 2002 through 2005, and you folks still elected me!
Look, I know that some of you – whom I will refer to as right-wing nutcases – are disappointed in my election. Too bad, I won. That being said, I think the people of Minnesota should be proud that they have elected a failed comedian, a failed radio broadcaster, and failed actor to one of the nation’s highest offices. A track record like mine is almost assured to succeed . . . this time. Besides, even a blind squirrel occasionally finds a wing nut. Minnesota, I am that nut!
Once the Coleman challenges have been quelled, I swear to serve the people of Minnesota to the best of my ability. Now, I realize that this sort of guarantee does not exactly inspire confidence, but that’s okay. I have confidence in my desire to do whatever my Democrat overlords tell me. Why? Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people (at least in Minnesota) like me!
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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