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May 2, 2009
Exclusive: Mexico Starts Shopping at the Piggly Wiggly
Just when you thought it was safe to order that bacon enchilada . . .
Our neighbors to the south have been dealing with a deadly strain of swine flu. In two weeks, it has killed over 100 citizens, and has spread to neighboring countries, including the United States. The World Health Organization raised the alert level to Phase 4, and is considering issuing a global emergency. And already there have been rumblings that the Mexican government has not done nearly enough to fight the epidemic. Shocka!
Two weeks after the first known swine flu death, Mexico still hasn’t given medicine to the families of the dead. It hasn’t determined where the outbreak began or how it spread. And while the government urges anyone who feels sick to go to hospitals, feverish people complain ambulance workers are scared to pick them up.
A portrait is emerging of a slow and confused response by Mexico to the gathering swine flu epidemic. And that could mean the world is flying blind into a global health storm.
Despite an annual budget of more than $5 billion, Mexico’s health secretary said Monday that his agency hasn’t had the resources to visit the families of the dead. That means doctors haven’t begun treatment for the population most exposed to swine flu, and most apt to spread it.
In fairness, this is a country that is so poor it can’t even pay attention. The entire area is overrun with murderous drug cartels, which kidnap and terrorize civilians and policemen alike. With abject poverty, narco-gangs, and political corruption out the ying-yang, how can the Mexicans possibly get a hold of a swine flu epidemic? Like their porous border “security,” the country’s health system is a joke, and in some parts of Mexico, they are still trying to figure out such insufferable maladies as polio, chickenpox, and the gout.
As a result of the swine flu epidemic, the bulk of the civilian population has become overrun with hysteria. That hysteria has led to numerous changes in the Mexican culture – changes that have been made in order to convince the global community that they are addressing the problem. They aren’t, of course, but appearances are everything.
For example, the Love Boat is now barred from entering scenic Puerto Vallarta, especially after Doc diagnosed Gopher’s innocent sniffling as a unique strain of the swine flu. Isaac the bartender is keeping Gopher comfortable with intravenous fluids and plenty of olives, while Julie the Cruise Director is collecting towels and boiling water. No one knows why.
But wait, there’s more. Mexican censors have eradicated all appearances and mentions of Porky Pig from Looney Tunes episodes. At the end of each cartoon, Sylvester the Cat now speaks the famous lines, “That’s All, Folks!” Unfortunately, with Sylvester’s speech impediment, that recitation takes a full three minutes. Most episodes have been cut to run in the allotted time, so now, the average Looney Tunes clip consists of Elmer Fudd Shooting Daffy Duck in the face – and spinning his beak 180 degrees – before fading to black.
For those who thought censorship was only for Communists and Democrats, Mexican politicians have implemented some shocking new legislation. In a scene reminiscent of the liberals’ wish for a “Fairness Doctrine,” selected bits of “hate speech” have been stricken from the Mexican lexicon. For example, all Mexican citizens are prohibited from using the term “bringing home the bacon.” Other terms that are on the chopping block include, “pork barrel projects,” “going hog wild,” and “Michael Moore is a big, fat pig.”
And finally, Peter Frampton’s “Mexican Fiesta ’09” concert tour was immediately canceled. One government official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, claimed that the singer launched his trademark inflatable flying pig at his Acapulco performance. The sight of a huge floating swine sent hundreds of fans stampeding toward the exits.
This incident came at a most inopportune time, because it happened merely hours after President Felipe Calderon’s pink, pig-shaped dirigible strafed the skyscrapers in Mexico City. The flyover caused a city-wide panic, and the president issued an immediate apology. “I humbly apologize for any distress caused by the dirigible incident, especially after President Obama called to scold me about my carelessness. President Obama stated that he would never do something so insensitive, and he is correct.”
Of course, these measures are only a drop in the pig trough, but at the very least, the government is trying to do something about the issue. Short of kidnapping a few American disease specialists or taking a loan from the drug lords, their hands are tied. They can’t even ask for help from the United States, since President Obama has not filled the vacant positions at the Centers for Disease Control yet.
What Mexico really needs is to win the Powerball lottery . . . or ask Obama for a swine flu bailout.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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