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May 9, 2009
Exclusive: Sen. ‘Benedict Arlen’ Jumps Ship
Last week, Sen. Arlen Specter kicked sand in the face of Pennsylvania voters when he changed his political affiliation from Republican to Democrat. The 98-pound weakling that is the Keystone State electorate immediately called upon their proverbial Charles Atlas - former Specter challenger Pat Toomey - to stop the Kool-Aid drinking bully. "Bitter gun-clingers" do not take treachery lightly, and already the wheels have been set into motion to unseat Benedict Arlen.
For his part, Specter blamed anyone and everyone but himself for the defection. The senator justified his rationale by claiming that the Republican Party has gone "too far to the right." Upon further questioning, however, Specter later admitted that his chances of winning the Pennsylvania Republican primary were about as thin as the Olsen Twins. No one wants to vote for an alleged "conservative" who voted for President Obama's stimulus plan - a plan so laden with pork that it has been diagnosed with swine flu.
Not that any of that bothers Specter. He has bigger fish to fry, and cannot be constrained by the will of the "little people."
"I am not prepared to have my 29-year record in the United States Senate decided by the Pennsylvania Republican primary electorate - not prepared to have that record decided by that jury," said Mr. Specter, 79, a moderate who has long been known for breaking with his party.
Almost immediately after the change, conservative pundits and political naysayers questioned the real motives behind Specter the Defector. Some claimed that the Democrats promised him campaign support, a prominent committee position, and a $5 coupon good for any Stuckey's Restaurant. The Obama administration neither confirmed nor denied these claims, but rumors of shenanigans were whispered around the Beltway. Many in the know believed that someone got to Arlen. The question that faced Washingtonians was this: what was he promised? Here are some possible answers.
Lift Up Your Spirits. Everyone appreciates Sen. Specter's 28 years of public service. Sadly, one of the side effects of his career is a visage that shows the stress of the job. Sen. Harry Reid, seizing upon a terrific opportunity, rewarded Specter's disloyalty with a free facelift and BOTOX treatment at Nancy Pelosi's favorite "day spa."
Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. Few Democrat politicians were more impressed with Arlen Specter's decision than fellow Pennsylvanian John Murtha. Murtha, a self-described bastion of political integrity, applauded his cohort's newfound intelligence, and presented him with a laurel and hearty handshake. But Murtha didn't stop there. He also presented Specter with a personal parking space at Murtha International Airport, the key to the facility's posh executive washroom, and an authentic pilot's uniform, replete with a plastic set of wings. The bemused Specter was quoted as saying, "Hey, even kids under five don't get a pair of these babies! I'm on top of the world!"
Vice-President and local boob Joe Biden also presented Sen. Specter with the gift of transportation. Effective immediately, the senator has unadulterated access to Biden's personal train, "The Albatross," and was given permission to visit the locomotive any time he pleases. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs bragged that "If the senator plays his cards right, he will even be granted access to the air horn." Sweet.
The Bonfire of the Vanities. Of course, no transformation from eeevvviiilll Republican to saintly Democrat can be performed without a good, old-fashioned purge. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has scheduled a bonfire and weenie roast in Specter's honor for the Memorial Day Weekend. (She'd best not get too close, however, as her face might melt.) During the festivities, Specter will step to the podium and disavow his previous sins - namely, following a semi-conservative career path.
Immediately thereafter, the bonfire will be set ablaze, and Specter will be encouraged to burn all of his Republican possessions. Items on the incinerator list include Sen. Specter's GOP identification, his "I Support Big Oil" bumper sticker, his classified documents explaining how President Bush was behind 9/11, and other genuinely Republican traits, such as his honor, pride, and morals. Much like Specter's jump, this should be one heck of a firestorm.
Naturally, no amount of wooing and empty promises can reconcile the fact that Arlen Specter turned his back on the very people who elected him to office. Pulling this nonsense in the middle of his term is sleazy, but doing it after he expressly stated that he would not is especially so. The people of Pennsylvania deserve better than that. The people of Pennsylvania deserve better than Arlen Specter.
Long before this change, Arlen Specter's political views have been leaning "back and to the left. Back, and to the left." Come November 2010, many Pennsylvania voters may choose to give his political career a "magic bullet."
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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