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May 30, 2009
Exclusive: Hot Town, Summer In The Beltway
Memorial Day. A time for Americans to reflect upon our freedom and honor those who paid the ultimate sacrifice for defending it. It is the most solemn of holidays, and many celebrate the day with prayer vigils and remembrances.
Of course, there are also the thousands upon thousands of Americans who consider Memorial Day the unofficial start of summer. And with the start of the summer season comes the obligatory road trip to the beach. Last weekend, a select group of Beltway insiders loaded up the wood-paneled station wagon and made a beeline for the Jersey shore.
This is their story.
Friday, May 22, 9:00 am – Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi summoned the following people to her inner chambers: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, Minority Speaker John Boehner, former vice-president Al Gore, and President Barack Obama. Sadly, First Lady Michelle Obama told the president that he was not allowed to attend because she had a Tupperware party scheduled and he would have to serve the hors d’ouvres. The leader of the free world would be missing the trip, because he was afraid of his wife’s 8-minute arms.
When the rest of the real men arrived, Madame Speaker explained the itinerary:
“Gentlemen . . . and Al, it is my pleasure to invite you to Congressional Beach Bash, 2009. We will be departing Capitol Hill at high noon. Our destination? Fabulous Atlantic City, New Jersey! Naturally, we will not be inviting New Jersey Gov. John Corzine. The man is so pasty that he makes Robert Byrd look like George Hamilton! We will be returning in time for Tuesday’s session. Let’s get packing.”
“But Madame Speaker,” Boehner began, “We have important matters scheduled on the floor this afternoon. We cannot just dismiss . . . “
Pelosi stopped the Minority Speaker in his tracks. “John, would you rather stay here and watch your legislation get pummeled in committee, or come to the shore with us and enjoy a bag of cotton candy – on me?”
Rep. Boehner called “shotgun.”
Friday, May 22, 1:00 pm – Merely one hour into the road trip, former vice-president Gore started the complaining. “I’m hot. Are we there yet? This car is polluting the planet. Why didn’t we rent a hybrid?”
To pass the time in a more productive manner, Sen. Reid suggested every one participate in Sen. Ted Kennedy’s favorite song, “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”
Friday, May 22, 3:00 pm – The party checked into their lavish beachfront hotel. The gentlemen quickly changed into their beach attire – which for Al Gore was a hemp fiber Speedo – while Speaker Pelosi “put on her face.”
Friday, May 22, 11:00 pm – Eight long hours later, the Speaker emerged from her changing room. “Okay boys, I’m ready to hit the surf!” Unfortunately for Madame Speaker, the rest of her party was fast asleep. Day One of Congressional Beach Bash was in the books.
Saturday, May 23, 9:00 am – Speaker Pelosi learned her lesson, and awoke hours before the rest of the room. She was more than ready to tackle the sand and surf. The group packed their belongings and ordered a limousine to take them to a primo sunbathing spot . . . 50 yards from their front door. Vice-President Gore beseeched everyone to use sunscreen, because “The planet has a fever, and if you don’t use SPF 50, you will, too!”
The Memorial Day crowds were enormous at the Jersey shore, but Madame Speaker cleared the sea of humanity with one drop of her robe. “Aargh, I’m blind! Whatever that is, it’s wearing a thong bikini,” screamed one beachgoer. “Let’s get out of here!” Upon hearing this, a tear rolled down the cheek of the Speaker. Sensing an early car trip back to Washington, Sen. Reid swallowed his pride and took one for the team:
“It’s okay, Nancy. They weren’t talking about you. Someone thought they saw Hillary Clinton over there.”
Saturday, May 23, 5:00 pm – Once the foursome closed the beach, their stomachs started rumbling. In the spirit of nonpartisanship, Minority Speaker Boehner offered to pay for the party’s elegant dinner. During the current Obama-induced recession, however, the group’s “elegant dinner” consisted of corn dogs and water ice from the Ocean City boardwalk. The Democrats still took advantage of the Republican’s generosity, and Al Gore scarfed down enough dogs to be crowned “King of Meat on a Stick.”
Sunday, May 24, 10:00 am – The forecast called for rain, and rain was what arrived. Occasional downpours sabotaged the group’s trip to the beach, which was just as well, since Al Gore did not heed his own advice. In an effort to get “the prefect savage tan,” the former vice-president liberally applied butter to his skin. The result? Well, let’s just say that his nickname for the rest of the weekend was “Lobster Boy.”
Sen. Reid enjoyed slapping Gore on the back, however. He considered it payback for Gore’s condemnation of Reid’s private jet.
Monday, May 25, 9:00 am – The group spent the holiday on the boardwalk, browsing through stores and seeing the sights. They even passed the time by watching the Ocean City Memorial Day Parade. Representative Boehner applauded and saluted the region’s war veterans, while Pelosi and Gore fed the seagulls. The scene became so uncomfortable that Harry Reid opined, “The weekend . . . is lost.”
Ignoring Rep. Boehner’s vocal objections, the group checked out of their hotel, and embarked on the long trip home.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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