Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary – Apologizing Sure Is Exhausting!
by PAM MEISTER
June 9, 2009
I just flew back from my latest trip overseas, and boy, are my arms tired! (Just a little Presidential Humor there.) It was tough, but I decided not to stay in France with Michelle and the kids on their sightseeing trip because I had so much work to do here, what with destroying the American economy and my golf score making the top of the list. Seriously, though, can you blame me for ditching Michelle when she had this look on her face? Carla Bruni obviously doesn’t know her the way I do. When she gives you the evil eye, you’d better run for the hills, double quick time!
Diary, so many people think being President is the easiest gig in the world. True, there’s the adulation from the adoring masses – including British PM Gordon Brown, the bootlicking by the media, the Teleprompter (where would I be without him?) and the fabulous taxpayer-funded date nights. Okay, I admit it, that’s all super duper awesome. But in all honesty, there’s nothing easy about being The Most Powerful Man in the World. Think about it: not only are the fates of all Americans in my hands, but I have America’s worldwide reputation to repair. That’s an even bigger and more important job than looking into a Jihadist attack on U.S. soldiers down in Arkansas. I mean, Arkansas? I didn’t even know anyone actually lived there. Isn’t that one of those red states I keep hearing so much about?
There have been some cracks by those in the vast right wing conspiracy blogosphere about my being the Apologist in Chief, but let me be perfectly clear: I take that aspect of my job quite seriously. (And those who dare speak out against me had better watch out – something’s coming down the pike that’ll fix their wagons. Heh.) America has done a lot of harm in the world and unlike those women of Code Pink who make fools of themselves in their tacky couture, I intend to do something about it while dressed to the nines.
That’s why I’ve been going around the world apologizing for everything that America has done. As an example, just think about how horrible we’ve been to Muslims. A few Jihadist attacks in the name of Allah (pbuh) and suddenly we need to be worried about a religion that has some 1.8 billion followers worldwide? Frankly, I think we need to be more worried about the 7 million Jews in Israel being so mean to the Palestinians. What’s a few rockets between neighbors? The Israelis really need to learn to put things in perspective.
And I’ve been criticized for not being firmer with Iran and North Korea when it comes to their nuclear aspirations, but just like I thought it was important to share my toys and peanut butter sandwiches with the other kids when I was in kindergarten, who am I to deny nuclear know-how to other nations? Who am I to judge anyone?
Frankly, it’s time for America to stop being such a worldwide bully and resource hog. It’s time America was brought down to size.
One thing that bothers me, Diary, is that at a time when America is finally getting on the socialist bandwagon, Europe takes a swing to the right in recent EU elections. It’s like being the last person to arrive at the party, and everyone else has left and there’s only sludge left in the punch bowl and a few measly crumbs on the hors d’oeuvres tray. And one of my idols, Hugo Chávez, saying that I’m further to the left than he and my other guiding light, Fidel Castro. It pains me to hear that, even in a joke, because I’m worried that they too might be giving up the good fight for equality in misery for all. (Except for those of us in charge, of course.) I’m hoping that my influence as a lightworker (I’m too modest to say Messiah myself) will light a fire under the butts of European politicians to get back with the program. We can’t trust (ugh) the people to know what’s best for them!
Well, Diary, that’s all for tonight. I think I’ll get in a little more time with my putter in the Oval Office before I hit the sack. I hear Rush Limbaugh has a lower handicap than I do and we can’t have that.