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July 11, 2009
Exclusive: Al Franken: Now Broadcasting For Scare America
Just when you thought it was safe to enter Washington, D.C.
Liberal politician, alleged comedian, and ugly, ugly man Al Franken was declared the winner of the highly contested Minnesota Senate race last week. The victory, handed down by the Minnesota Supreme Court, set off a chain reaction of events never before seen in American politics. Franken supporters rushed out to retail stores, in the hopes of purchasing “The Best of Al Franken” DVD – which is now a collector’s item. Consumers were dismayed, however, when they realized that Franken’s “Best Of” DVD is completely blank.
Franken detractors, on the other hand, immediately cried foul and filed an official Claim of Shenanigans with the Library of Congress. This move was not surprising, since reports abounded that Franken votes were being “found” in car trunks, church attics, and Rachel Maddow’s bathtub. In fact, about the only location where Franken votes were not being found was the polling place! The courts found in favor of Franken, anyway, and he packed his bags for the nation’s capital.
So now, the United States Senate can boast that it has received the “gifts” of Feingold, Franken nonsense, and Murtha. For the Democrats, it is Christmas in July, and a very bad Santa just brought them their 60-member, filibuster-proof majority. Santa was also going to leave a lump of coal in the GOP stocking, but with President Obama’s new “green” legislation, coal is now as welcome as bikini photos of Nancy Pelosi.
Upon being informed of his election victory, Franken was happier than Air America’s competitors on ratings day:
"We are so thrilled we can finally celebrate this victory and I'm so excited to finally be able to get to work for the people of Minnesota," Franken said at a press conference."We have a lot of work to do in Washington, but that's why I signed up for the job in the first place."
Actually, it would be more accurate to say that Franken signed up for the job because Air America’s debt was greater than that of Zimbabwe. Finances were so bad at Franken’s radio home that the founders started printing $1 billion bills with Franken and Janeane Garofalo’s faces on them. Talk about dirty money. It would also be accurate to claim that Franken decided to run for the Senate because few people in Hollywood would hire a comedian that wasn’t funny. That would be akin to electing a president who didn’t know the first thing about running the country. Oh, never mind.
The court's unanimous, unsigned opinion declared Franken – a long-time Democrat, former "Saturday Night Live" comedian and satirist – "received the highest number of votes legally cast" and is entitled "to receive the certificate of election as United States senator from the state of Minnesota."
Considering Franken is a Democrat, it is probably a safe bet that he also received the highest number of votes illegally cast. Maybe that is why the unanimous opinion is unsigned? Who in their right mind would want to affix their John Hancock on this fiasco? Heck, in Minnesota, Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox vote for Democrat candidates year after year.
Coleman led Franken on election night by a margin of 206 votes out of more than 2.9 million cast. The margin was narrow enough to trigger a recount. That process ended in January with Franken leading by 312 votes.
Wait a minute. The polls closed with Coleman ahead by 206 votes, and after the recount, he was trailing Franken by 312 votes? Does anyone in the mainstream media see this as a little askew? Did these votes come from Jack’s magic beanstalk beans? After careful consideration, the following is the only rational explanation for the discrepancy:
Once upon a time, a little colony of trolls lived in Minneapolis under the I-35 bridge. While they thrived under the Carter and Clinton administrations, they virtually disappeared when George W. Bush was president. These trolls became angry, and attacked Bush and his supporters via their crudely constructed internet connections. The future looked bleak for the trolls, and they resigned themselves to a life in darkness.
But then, a beacon of light appeared in the form of Al Franken. Bitter, angry, and vindictive, he attacked the Bush administration with a bile unseen in the troll ranks. Immediately, they knew: he was their new god. The trolls were invigorated, and they used their combined strength to infiltrate Minnesota polling stations to steal paper ballots. The trolls dutifully filled out 518 ballots, snuck under the polling station door, and, unbeknownst to election officials, submitted them into the recount.
Sure this sounds crazy, but it is no crazier than the conclusion the Minnesota Supreme Court came up with. In 2000, many Democrats complained that George W. Bush “stole” the presidential election, even though it was not the first time a candidate lost the popular vote but still won the seat. In 2008-09, many Republicans are lamenting another alleged election theft: a theft that may completely alter the direction of the country – and not for the better.
It is bad enough that Washington, D.C. is the murder capital of America. Now that Al Franken is in town, the citizenry needs to dodge bullets of incompetence and shotgun blasts of idiocy.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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