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June 16, 2008

Exclusive: Fatherhood

Luke C. Sheahan

The Wall Street Journal ran an article on Saturday by Kevin Helliker about the passing of his father, A Father's Tough Love: What a gruff dad taught his sons about parenting, work and dying. I noted with a bit of surprised satisfaction that he notes that the most important thing his father taught him, as the title implies, is toughness. Helliker describes a father that "never sacrificed his principles in a bid for our approval, never tried to be cool around us. A tough guy, he expected the same from his boys." It almost goes without saying, although Helliker does, that his father's style of fathering has gone quite out of fashion.

There was a time when manliness and it's most practical and common societal manifestation, fatherhood, needed no defense. Now, it seems what once was considered self-evident - largely because it is self-evident - must be explicated and defended. As Kathleen Parker puts it in National Review:

Fatherhood has been increasingly diminished the past few decades. We applaud single motherhood, celebrate sperm shopping as though searching out that perfect pair of Kate Spades and otherwise treat fathers as optional accessories. All of this has been helped by mass media messages that men are buffoons or pedophiles and by a family court system that often treats men as visitors to their children's lives.

Although, as Helliker notes, hindsight is 20/20; some are beginning to see the virtues of the old stoic style of fathering. The social science research on this subject has come to heavily favor the old view: that the father is important to the healthy development of children and he is important precisely because he is not the mother. Helliker quotes Lila Kalinich, Columbia University psychiatrist and editor of The Dead Father: A Psychoanalytic Inquiry, "The whole culture needs the father back. Fathers substantiate law and order. Fathers can create a sense of womanliness in daughters and bring the male children into manhood."

In other words, the father teaches children all about the self - self-reliance, self-discipline, self-restraint thereby granting them self-confidence - all the things necessary for the growth and perpetuation of that thing we call civilization. In the process, the father gives children a sense of who they are as a woman or as a man. It is nearly a waste of breath to note that these qualities are essential to the perpetuation of a vibrant and free society. We would do well to encourage them.

But 28% of American children are in fatherless homes, according to University of Virginia sociologist Bradford Wilcox in The Wall Street Journal. And millions more children suffer from having a physically present but emotionally absent father. The stoic stereotype of old fatherhood was not only physically present, but involved with his children even when they didn't hear him say he loved them. Helliker recalls that his mother told them that in private his father broke down in tears because he didn't know how to emotionally express his love. But his children were the better for his discipline and presence nonetheless.

What distinguishes the sheep from the goats in fathers? Wilcox argues that religion has a lot to do with it. He cites University of Chicago theologian Don Browning who argued that "one of the signal achievements of Christianity and Judaism is that they underlined the sacred character of the marriage vow - thereby encouraging men to be good husbands and fathers." Religious fathers are endowed with a belief that they are personally responsible for the welfare of every member of their family. They devote to their children more time, energy and even affection (they are more likely to praise and hug their children) than secular fathers. Religious fathers also take a deep personal interest in their children's lives, attending and tracking their activities and keeping an eye on their friends.

So here's to all the fathers out there who did more than just sire children - they raised them.

Luke Sheahanis a writer residing in Philadelphia, PA.. Feedback: editorialdirector@familysecuritymatters.org.

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