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July 18, 2009
Exclusive: And Now, An Important Message From The Dear Leader
Hello, my name is Kim Jong Il, and I am the undisputed leader of the free world. Okay, maybe not the free world, but I am the leader of the palace in which I live. My purpose here, today, is to clarify some points about my health, my plans for total world domination, and my spice garden. Thanks to global warming, the nutmeg is really coming in nice this year. But I digress.
It is my understanding that many people, especially in the West, are concerned about my health and well-being. While I appreciate the sentiments of goodwill – even from Yankee dogs – I can assure you that there is no cause for alarm. I am in the best shape of my life, and am feeling just dandy. So imagine my shock and outrage to see this printed about me, courtesy of those b******s at Fox News:
“North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has life-threatening pancreatic cancer, a news report said Monday, days after new images of him looking gaunt spurred speculation that his health might be worsening following a reported stroke last year.
The 67-year-old Kim was diagnosed with the cancer around the time he was felled by a stroke last summer, Seoul's YTN television reported, citing unidentified intelligence officials in South Korea and China.
The report cited the officials saying the disease is ‘threatening’ Kim's life.”
Citizens of the world, this is utter and complete nonsense. There are two specific (and believable) reasons for my fabulous new look. First of all, after participating in the “battle of the bulge” for most of my adult years, I have decided to exercise more and lose some excess baggage. Have you ever driven in a Korean-made car? These things make a Ford Pinto look like a Cadillac Escalade, and they are not made for people with a lot of “junk in the trunk.”
My exercise routine consists of chasing criminals with a battle axe, flapping my gums during public appearances, and poking my political enemies with a sharp stick. It keeps me busy, and helps me work up a good sweat. As far as the dieting is concerned, I have been following the Atkins Diet for some time now, and the weight is dropping faster than the American stock market. This week, the imperialist jackasses at Fox News declared that I looked “gaunt.” Gaunt? I would call my look “fantastic!” I’m single-handedly bringing back the waif look. Kate Moss, eat your heart out!
The other reason for my fabulous new look is that I have been staying out of the sun. I am not avoiding public appearances because I am sick; I am staying out of limelight because I sunburn easily! Why would I want to look like George Hamilton? The man looked like a human carrot! Despite the wishes of the American and British government, I do not have cancer, and as long as I keep using SPF 100 sunblock, I will not get it. Sorry to disappoint you, President Obama, but I will be a thorn in your side you many years to come!
Now that the illness rumors have been put to rest, I need to address another issue concerning my great nation: world domination. The people of North Korea have been subjugated by the West for far too long, and we are ready to do something about it. In that vein, we are expanding our missile capabilities tenfold. Of course, the Americans are fully aware of our ballistic threats, especially after my military fired a missile toward Hawaii. Now, Hawaii is not our intended target, but it lies along the flight path to our ultimate goal: the destruction of the American Idol studios. Many of our citizens were bothered by Sanjaya’s untimely removal from the program, and even angrier at the news of Ryan Seacrest’s contract extension. Ryan Seacrest? How is this man a celebrity? In North Korea, Seacrest would be working in the rice fields, hitched to a plow and dragging it behind him. Kim Jong Il, OUT!
Of course, missile defense (and offense) is only half of our armed forces puzzle. The other half, our primary covert operation, is even more sinister. In an effort to woo public opinion to our side, we have commandeered major American record labels and tampered with their product. For the foreseeable future, any time a person plays a song by The Beatles, Michael Jackson, or Carrie Underwood, they will be exposed to this subliminal message:
“Kim Jong Il is the smartest and most interesting man in the world. North Korea is worthy of your support. All your monies are belong to us.”
Ingenious, is it not? Soon the world will bow at the feet of the North Korean juggernaut. We will become the most powerful nation on the face of the Earth, and I will have my revenge on all those who have slighted me. Do you hear me Barack Obama, Gordon Brown, and Sook-Yi, the girl who wouldn’t date me in high school? Your time is at an end!
And you know what? Talking about this has gotten me so angry that I am not going to share my gardening secrets with you now. It’s your loss, because my thumb is greener than President George H. W. Bush at a Japanese consulate dinner. With that, I will take my leave, but don’t worry Western aggressors: I will be back soon enough.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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