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July 25, 2009
Exclusive: That’s One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Conspiracy Nuts
This past Monday, America celebrated the 40th anniversary of the Apollo 11 lunar landing. Neil Armstrong, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin, and Michael Collins made history by reaching the moon on July 20, 1969. As an added bonus, the Apollo 11 astronauts also stuck it to the borscht-gorging, vodka-swilling Soviets by beating them there – an event that is compared to the 1980 Miracle on Ice, without the fighting and lost teeth.
While most Americans regard the moon landing as the greatest thing since canned bread, there were more than a few people who believe the entire event was staged. After all, it was only six years after the mother of all conspiracy theories occurred – the assassination of President John F. Kennedy – and future Ron Paul supporters were foaming at the mouth for a new challenge. Never mind that the moon landing was carried live on television (complete with audio and video), moon rocks were brought back to Earth, and the landing site can still be seen with high-powered telescopes. They reason that the event just had to be staged, because evil governmental operatives are always looking for new ways to mess with our heads.
To make their case that the lunar mission was staged, the hard core “moon troofers” use the following examples:
1. The case of the rippling flag. Lunar troofers argue that due to the lack of oxygen on the moon, the America flag would not be “rippling” in the photos and video provided by NASA. F-List celebrity Whoopi Goldberg has jumped aboard this bandwagon, which seems to suggest that her frontal lobe also suffers from a lack of oxygen. What these folks fail to realize is that any movement whatsoever could have caused the rippling effect, and considering that a living, breathing astronaut planted it into the moon’s surface – and was still holding the flagpole - it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out this mystery.
Of course, the fact that Armstrong and the Apollo 11 crew enjoyed some freeze-dried tacos immediately before the landing sequence was initiated may also shed some light on the flag’s “movement.”
2. The case of the nearly flawless video. A splinter group of conspiracy whackos has a problem with the quality of the original NASA video feed. They grumble that the technology to produce such crystal clear images was not available – for that time period, anyway. Curiously, no one seems to be able to reconcile this theory with the fact that NASA spent hundreds of millions of dollars for the Apollo missions, and a state-of-the-art video setup would have been included in the budget.
If there is any conspiracy with this theory, it is this: The technicians at Houston developed the world’s first high-definition television in the early 1960s, but in the interest of national security, it was not unveiled until just recently. The reason for this decision is a simple one. No one in the seat of power had a desire to see actresses such as Lucille Ball and Penny Marshall in hi-def – and rightly so.
3. The case of the impossible dream. Finally, there is a small group of conspiracy buffs who refuse to believe that man landed on the moon simply because the feat was so improbable. A lunar landing had never happened before, and since the only “true” witnesses of the accomplishment were the three astronauts, this story is ripe for exaggeration. Why couldn’t the three men just say they landed on the moon, film some scenes on a Hollywood set, and reap the fame and fortune that would result?
Well, the answers are not as secretive as the moon troofers would think. First of all, in the late 1960s, Hollywood special effects were extremely limited. “Godzilla” was a man in a rubber dinosaur suit. No one truly believed they were witnessing a nuclear-fueled monster terrorize Japan. Thirty years later, the same suit was painted purple and renamed “Barney.” Had Cecil B DeMille or one of his protégés filmed the Apollo 11 mission, the only people on Earth who would have fallen for the ruse would be toddlers and the witless. (See also, Sen. Ted Kennedy.)
Secondly, while the Apollo 11 astronauts were rewarded with a modicum of fame, most Americans only remember the first person to set foot on the moon’s surface: Neil Armstrong. If fame was the astronauts’ endgame, “Buzz” Aldrin and Michael Collins would have been rather jealous of Armstrong’s notoriety, and most likely would have revealed the plot. The fortune part never really materialized. Sure, there were book deals and some endorsements – Aldrin tried to hawk his chain of barber shops, entitled “Buzz Cutz” - but none of the trio became millionaires.
Now, none of this evidence is likely to sway the true believers of the conspiracy nuts, but it should be enough to keep a few folks from joining their ranks. The fact of the matter is that despite the ravings of the lunatic fringe, the Apollo 11 lunar mission did happen, and it was a resounding success. It was one of the most historical achievements in history, and its importance should be celebrated, not diminished. Man did land on the moon, and much to the chagrin of the Russkies; those men were fine, upstanding, red-blooded Americans.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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