Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary – Who Do Americans Think They Are?
by PAM MEISTER
August 4, 2009
When I was anointed Messiah elected President, I knew people were itching for change, and remaking America has been my top priority. In fact, you might say it’s been my life’s work. From my youthful days under the tutelage of card-carrying Communist Frank Marshall Davis to my days in college (and if anyone thinks they’re getting their hands on my college transcripts, they can just forget it) to my days as a Saul Alinsky-inspired rabble rouser community organizer, I have had only one goal: to change America from a capitalist nation centered around individual freedoms to a socialist nation centered around the nanny state.
So what the heck are people complaining about? They wanted change and they’re getting it. Just take a gander at my policies:
- Those who worried about America being the big bad world bully can worry no more. The first months of my presidency were devoted to apologizing to the world for America’s foreign policy transgressions and letting
rogue nations nations in transition like North Korea and Iran that they not only have nothing to fear from us, but have as much right to nuclear weapons as we do. In fact, they have more right than we do – which is why, in my quest to rid the world of nuclear weapons, I’m starting right here at home.
- Those who worried about greedy corporations taking advantage of mindless consumers can worry no more. I know, I know, I said that “I have no interest in running GM,” but look at the facts: The government now owns 60 percent of GM, and my pals in the unions have a large stake as well. And speaking of greedy, CEOs had better watch it – I’m doing my best to make sure they don’t make more than I deem appropriate. Anyone feeling left out shouldn’t – if I can control CEO pay, I can control anyone’s pay. (And those who question my half million dollar book deal that I signed just before taking office had better watch out – my friends from Chicago have very long arms.)
- Those who worry about the environment can worry no more. Cap and trade might further cripple the economy, but it’s all in the name of those cute polar bears and condors. Sure, we all emit CO2, but my healthcare plan will take care of that when old people start popping off. Speaking of healthcare…
- Those who worried about our healthcare system can worry no more. Sure, we provide the best healthcare in the world – why else do people from Canada and the UK come here when they can’t get the treatments they need at home? But it’s the inequities I worry about. So my solution is not to introduce things like tort reform – you think I want to anger trial lawyers, some of my biggest supporters? – but instead, institute a single-payer plan wherein all Americans will be equally miserable. Unless, of course, you are a rich celebrity or a member of Congress or, I might add, President.
Surprisingly, it’s this last bit that has people riled up, and I’m getting royally cheesed off. Did you see what they did to Specter and Sebelius at a town hall meeting? Arlen and Kathleen behaved the way I would expect them to – angry, aloof, and even a bit condescending, when speaking to bitter clingers who should be working and creating tax revenue. The same thing happened to Lloyd Doggett, one of my loyal minions from Texas. The people dared to shout their disapproval. What is it with this antiquated notion of a First Amendment, anyway? I’m going to have to do something about that. Remember, people, it’s all about CHANGE…it’s not my fault if the voters didn’t do their homework before the election. I’m not a centrist – I just play one on TV.
Just who do these bitter clingers think they are? Do they think they’re in charge? Do they think they run this country? Do they think they pay my salary and that of Congress? This is when I really begin to admire countries like Cuba and Iran, where dissidents are just tossed into the clink. It’s high time we break free from the essential constraints of the Constitution. Diary, I’m the President! They’re supposed to like and respect me!
Wait until the whiners find out that raising taxes on the middle class is definitely on the table. I know, I know, I said that "you will not see any of your taxes increase one single dime." But how else do they think that government healthcare and all of these other programs I want will be paid for? Do they think that charging CEOs for their lunches at the White House will cover the balance? And don’t forget, Michelle has quite the staff that needs to be paid. Plus, Air Force One needs to be kept on constant standby for my many trips around the nation and around the world – not to mention photo ops in New York.
Money doesn’t grow on trees, although we are printing it as fast as we can. Good thing, because TelePrompter just told me that federal tax revenue just saw its biggest April drop – 34 percent – since 1981. I’m just glad the voters don’t have access to the White House, otherwise they might see me in the Oval Office rubbing my hands with glee. With the economy in the toilet, the perfect time to introduce Nan E. State is drawing closer and closer. I’m just biding my time.
Time to go, Diary – I need to see if my pals Chris Dodd and Kent Conrad need any more help in burying their involvement in the Countrywide sweetheart mortgage deal. I need as many allies in Congress as I can get in order to usher in the change that the voters suddenly don’t want anymore. I’ve got a minimum of three and a half years left, and I aim to make the worst most of them.
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