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August 8, 2009
Exclusive: Don’t Cry For Me, Venezuela
Forget Argentina, there is a new Broadway heroine on the block: and her name is Venezuela. While it is possible that some enterprising young playwright will tell the tale of the oil-rich pseudo-dictatorship, no one in the country will be able to listen to it. To do so there would have to be a radio station capable of broadcasting the lavish musical. Unfortunately, Venezuelan President/Village Idiot Hugo Chávez put the kibosh on that when he recently implemented his own version of the Democrats’ “Fairness Doctrine.”
Oblivious to the will of the people, Chávez pulled the plug on 13 radio stations, closing them indefinitely. Another 21 stations are on the chopping block, and barring a call from the governor, they will be suffering the same fate of Air America soon. For the citizens of Venezuela, the decision was more shocking than a positive story about President Obama.
More than a dozen of 34 radio stations ordered shut by the Venezuelan government went off the air on Saturday, part of President Hugo Chávez 's drive to extend his socialist revolution to the media.
The association of radio broadcasters said 13 stations had stopped transmitting, following an announcement Friday night by government broadcasting watchdog Conatel that 34 radio outlets would be closed because they failed to comply with regulations.
Reportedly, the incidents of “non-compliance” by the outlets included the following:
1. Radio station KTACO committed a minor infraction when its “morning mule drive” personality only played President Chávez’s favorite song three times during the eight o’clock hour. The directives state that the song is to be played five times during that hour. The song in question? “It’s Raining Men.”
2. Radio outlet QCOCA earned the scorn of the President when its midday host, Juan Hannity, telephoned the presidential palace and asked the Security Chief, “Is your proletariat running?” The chief, fearful of El Presidente’s retribution, misunderstood the question and ordered his forces to brutally beat the competitors of the annual Caracas Marathon.
3. Radio giant KOMMI was banned from the airwaves for eternity and had its license burned at the stake after claiming the station gave its listeners “freedom to rock!” Upon hearing the offensive jingle, Chávez sent the local militia to the KOMMI offices and forced the program manager to cut a new, less popular bumper: “KOMMI, we celebrate Venezuela’s freedom to do whatever the hell El Presidente tells you to do!”
"We haven't closed any radio stations, we've applied the law," Chávez said on state television. "We've recovered a bunch of stations that were outside the law, that now belong to the people and not the bourgeoisie."
Since when does Hugo Chávez use (and understand) words like “bourgeoisie?” Heck, El Presidente is about as French as Star Trek’s Captain Jean-Luc Picard. (Because every Frenchman has a British accent, right?) This man, like Alec Baldwin, proves that a little bit of knowledge can go a long way. Chávez is claiming that the rogue radio stations – like Paris Hilton – now belong to the people. Does that mean that José Six-Pack can walk into the studio, put on a pair of headphones, and spin some Rick Astley records? Hardly. “Belonging to the people,” means the exact thing it meant in Soviet Russia: it belongs to Chávez and his cadre of goons, loons, and buffoons.
Chávez supporters say they are waging a "media war" against private news companies and have denounced in recent days what they say is a renewed offensive by privately owned domestic and international media to discredit Venezuela.
There are two important things wrong with this paragraph. First, “Chávez supporters” is a very loosely based term. Everyone in Venezuela is a Chávez supporter – in public. Privately, the president is about as popular as Amy Winehouse at an Amish church service. Nothing would please the electorate more than El Presidente’s ouster. At this point, they would probably prefer Ozzie Guillen, the hothead manager of the Chicago White Sox, and since President Obama is a White Sox fan, maybe he can make that dream a reality. Then again, considering Obama’s socialist leanings, maybe not. Obama and Chávez appear to be BFFs (Best Friends Forever).
Secondly, the only entity that is discrediting Venezuela is Venezuela itself. The political corruption, government infringement upon liberty, and Chávez’s cheesy berets are doing much more damage to the country than the domestic or foreign media could ever do. When tourists prefer going to Colombia over Venezuela, a serious public relations problem exists. “Well, we could go to Caracas, but wouldn’t it be more fun to dodge bullets and play in the ever-present cocaine snow drifts?” Something needs to be done to right this country’s ship before it sinks into a sea of irrelevance.
Throughout this Shakespearean tragedy known as Venezuela, one thing is for certain: the people are always the victim. Hugo Chavez has the power of both the government and the military, and is currently seen as unstoppable – a scenario that does not bode well for freedom.
In the meantime, the only Broadway show the people of Venezuela will be able to enjoy is Dictator/Victoria.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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