Exclusive: National Lampoon’s Obama Vacation
by SATIRE BY SHAWN GOODWIN
August 29, 2009
By the time you read this, President Barack Obama will already be bodysurfing in the Atlantic Ocean. His glistening, sculpted, Greek god body will be spending the week vacationing in a modest, 28-acre farm in Martha’s Vineyard. Naturally, the “farm” is lavishly appointed, and contains only the barest of necessities: oil heat, hot water, and a secure satellite videoconference hookup. Some people are questioning the timing of Obama’s getaway, but ruining the American economy is tiring work, and even The One needs to take the occasional holiday.
So, in a brilliant, yet futile, attempt to escape his plummeting poll numbers, the president and his family are retreating to Tax-achusetts. And what does the most powerful man in the world want more than anything? Privacy: Oh yeah, that’ll work:
Pleading for privacy, the White House said Obama would have no public events while vacationing on Martha's Vineyard with his family and close friends. Aides also asked that the journalists not take pictures of the Obamas’ two young daughters, age 8 and 11, when they aren't with the president.
"He wants you to relax and have a good time. Take some walks on the beaches. Nobody's looking to make any news," spokesman Bill Burton told reporters flying with the Obamas from Washington to Massachusetts.
Burton also added, “And while you’re at it, the president would really appreciate you keeping to script and not addressing the $7 trillion debt, the bankrupt Cash for Clunkers program, the abortion that is ObamaCare, and the president’s awful ‘Mom jeans’ choice at the MLB All-Star Game. Thanks much.”
The White House said there is no formal schedule while the Obamas are on the island, although the president will receive a daily briefing in person from a National Security Council official. He will receive an economic briefing through memos, and the secluded 28-acre private estate has a secure line to the White House if a situation develops.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall for those briefings. It is safe to assume that they will follow a disturbing trend:
National Security Council Official: “Good morning, Mr. President. As you well know, the rest of the world still hates America as much as you do. The exceptions are the British and the Australians, but your directive to poke fun at their dental hygiene and penal colony upbringings will make short work of that. Russia still thinks you are a paper tiger, and Vladimir Putin has challenged you to a shirtless pose-off. We’re delaying our RSVP until you get as buff as Michelle – unless of course, you would like to send her in your stead.”
Sadly, the economic update is equally as bleak:
Economic Memo: “Mr. President, your reappointment of Federal Reserve Chairman Bernake is about as popular as Michael Vick being named judge of the Westminster Dog Show. That being said, it is a bold and brilliant move on your part, since he was originally an appointee of President George W. Bush. Any economic ‘speed bumps’ that arise from now on can be laid at the feet of the Bush administration.”
Although the White House claimed there is no set agenda for the vacation, the Obamas have planned a few fun events during their New England stay. For example, the president and the first lady plan to spend a day antiquing up and down the Massachusetts coast. Michelle is a fan of all things aged, and is looking to pick up a few items to decorate the West Wing. With any luck, she will be able to pick up Helen Thomas, Robert Byrd, and Chris Dodd. They would look great in a hallway curio, and do less damage to the country in there.
The Obama daughters are looking to having some of fun on their own, and discussed attending the local amusement park. Sasha and Malia plan to take in some of the more nauseating roller coasters, if for no other reason than to mess with their Secret Service detail. Agents Johnson and Johnson get carsick, so five minutes on The Rickety Rail should translate into hours of fun for the first daughters.
And finally, the president has expressed an interest in scuba diving off Nantucket Sound. Unfortunately, a few “bent noses” in the Boston area misunderstood the request and now think that Obama wants to “swim with the fishes.” The miscommunication has been a major embarrassment to Press Secretary Robert Gibbs, and he has been burning the midnight oil stopping and searching suspected mob leaders at the border.
Look, no one wants to deny President Obama a vacation. POTUS is the most stressful job in the world, and the person who holds that position is entitled to a little rest and relaxation. However, when the president tries to put restrictions upon the journalists who make a living following his every move, it comes across as hypocritical. Especially when he expects them to be at his beck and call every other day of the year.
Mr. President, please do your job, and while you’re at it, let everyone else do theirs.