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September 5, 2009
Exclusive: Stalin the Wheels of Justice
Remember the McDonald’s hot coffee lady? She was the woman whose thighs were scalded when she attempted to put sugar in her coffee while in the McDonald’s drive-thru. Even though the burns were caused entirely by her own negligence – she placed the coffee cup between her legs as she sat in her car – the coffee lady sued McDonald’s for millions. Why? Well, because the coffee was too hot. Seriously.
In an unbelievable turn of events, the coffee lady won her lawsuit and received a hefty financial award. Thanks to her frivolous lawsuit, McDonald’s (and many other drive-thru establishments) now post warnings that hot coffee is, well, hot. The case is the dictionary definition of a frivolous lawsuit, was mocked on an episode of Seinfeld, and remains a prime example of everything that is wrong with the American legal system.
Of course, in today’s sue-‘em-all-and-let-God-sort-‘em-out world, there are always contenders to the title of the world’s most idiotic lawsuit. To wit:
“Josef Stalin was in the dock on Monday when a Russian court held a preliminary hearing in a libel case brought by his grandson over a newspaper story which said the tyrant had ordered the killings of Soviet citizens.
Stalin's grandson, Yevgeny Dzhugashvili, is seeking 9.5 million rubles ($299,000) from the Novaya Gazeta newspaper and 500,000 rubles from the author of an article published last April claiming Stalin personally signed politburo death orders.”
Wow. The McDonald’s coffee lady looks like a rank amateur compared to Mr. Dzhugashvili, huh? Yevgeny could have saved himself a lot of time and embarrassment by reading a history book before filing this litigation. Most books that cover the first half of the 20th century read, “Chapter 13: Josef Stalin, the Scourge of Russia.” Very few of them read, “Chapter 13: Josef Stalin Loves Rainbows, Lollipops, and Puppies.” Still, Mr. Dzhugashvili had no problem finding an ambulance chaser to take his case:
“Leonid Zhura, a convinced Stalinist who is representing Dzhugashvili in court, said that the article – based on declassified Kremlin documents – damaged Stalin's reputation.
“’Half a century of lies have been poured over Stalin's reputation and he cannot defend himself from the grave so this case is essential to put the record straight,’” said Zhura.
It would be more accurate to say that Stalin’s reputation was damaged only by Stalin himself, who, according to existing records, was responsible for anywhere between 10 and 20 million deaths. Most of his victims included his closest advisors and his fellow Soviet citizens, so it’s safe to say that Uncle Joe’s mailbox was not exactly chock full of candygrams. Don’t tell that to Comrade Dzhugashvili. He still believes that grandpa was the best thing to happen to Russia since sliced bread (sliced bread having been introduced earlier this year.)
Amazingly enough, the signing of the death orders was not Mr. Dzhugashvili’s only complaint. The man caught the smell of cold, hard rubles, and he is going to milk the Motherland’s cow for all it was worth. The following issues were recently attached to the original complaint:
Mr. Dzhugashvili is planning to sue Starbucks Coffee for copyright infringement. The plaintiff claims that the American company took its name from his. How else could the corporation explain the term “Cup of Joe?” The plaintiff believes that only the Americans would be so brazen as to make money off of his grandfather’s glorious name. Mr. Dzhugashvili would be seeking punitive damages to the order of 1 million rubles.
Mr. Dzhugashvili also intends to file a lawsuit against iconic American actors Burt Reynolds and Tom Selleck. The plaintiff contends that these men mimicked Stalin’s look – most specifically his cheesy mustache – to propel then to superstardom. When asked why Mr. Dzhugashvili decided to sue these particular men, he remarked, “Because they are the most popular actors in the United States today. At least that is what I just read in my latest issue of 16 Magazine.” Immediately thereafter, Mr. Dzhugashvili’s attorney informed him that 16 Magazine stopped publication in 2001.
And finally, Mr. Dzhugashvili announced his plans to file a claim against President Barack Obama and his administration. Attorney Leonid Zhura sent a correspondence to the White House, notifying them of the court proceedings and the charges. The plaintiff is suing President Obama and every member of his administration for theft. He claims that the Obama administration stole his grandfather’s communist/socialist policies, and is attempting to utilize them in America.
“This cannot stand,” Mr. Dzhugashvili remarked. “If the American president implements my grandfather’s policies, he will soon be loved and cherished by the masses and the state-run media. He will do this without giving any credit where it belongs: to Josef Stalin!”
The plaintiff is seeking 4 million rubles in damages, which he expects to receive in the form of a “personal stimulus package.”
Now, before one rushes to decry Mr. Dzhugashvili, it is important to understand his point of reference. When most people think about their family members, they always remember them through rose-colored glasses – especially when remembering the ones who have passed on. No one wants to think that his relative is a murderous psychopath, even when there is ample evidence to the contrary. The truly frightening part of this story is that Mr. Dzhugashvili believes that his grandfather had little or nothing to do with the killings of millions of his own people. That is not family loyalty; it is outright denial, and even the largest of monetary settlements will not change that fact.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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