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September 12, 2009
Exclusive: No More Teachers, No More Books, No Obama Dirty Looks
President Obama raised a few eyebrows this week when he delivered a speech to the nation’s “utes” through a message broadcast to America’s schools. Before the event, which was broadcast over the Internet, the lines were drawn – with chalk, of course – between those who applauded the address, and those who decried it. Supporters claimed that it was yet another brilliant move by a charismatic president who has no peer when it comes to public speaking. Detractors argued that the president was using the speech to deliver a potentially “socialist” message to students he was using as props.
The truth probably lay somewhere in between. President Obama is a very gifted public speaker, and his style resonates well with younger Americans. Taking his message to the schools can be seen as a masterstroke. On the other hand, while Mr. T’s message of “Don’t be a fool, stay in school,” is an admirable one, the president’s address is self-serving, and the captive audience is a perfect photo op.
Unless you have been living under a rock, or in Lindsay Lohan’s house, you have probably heard about the controversy:
President Obama plans to tell the nation's school children that they ultimately are most responsible for their own education. The White House posted Obama's remarks Monday, for a speech scheduled Tuesday, on its Web site.
Obama's planned talk has been controversial, with several conservative organizations and individuals accusing him of trying to delve too directly into local education and indoctrinate students with what they call his "socialist" agenda. But White House officials, including Education Secretary Arne Duncan, have said the charges are silly.
In the remarks set for Tuesday, Obama tells young people that all the work of parents, educators and others won't matter "unless you show up for those schools, pay attention to those teachers."
While the White House released the transcript for the speech on Monday, it was the edited, final draft. The president and his speechwriters failed to destroy the rough draft, and that transcript made its way to the FSM Headquarters in sunny, scenic Detroit, Michigan. (Well, the talented writers are stationed in New York. The office of the idiot Official Satirist is housed in the Comfort Inn in the “Cracktown” section of the Motor City.)
According to the White House speechwriters, the president was supposed to open with this little information nugget:
“Good morning, little campers! My name is Barack Obama, and I am the president of the United States. I’d like to ‘rap’ with ya about the importance of staying in school. Unfortunately, since I cannot think for myself, my friend Mr. Teleprompter will tell me what to say, and I will relay his words and thoughts to you as soon as I read them. Mr. Teleprompter told me that this is what I want. End communication.”
After careful consideration, the introduction was scrapped almost as quickly as the “comfortable clothes” idea. President Obama thought it would put the students at ease if he wore the “Mom jeans” and the white sneakers he debuted at the MLB All-Star Game. Fashion plate czar Rahm Emanuel vetoed the plan, saying it was “gauche.”
During the first section of the address, some joker in the administration slipped in this paragraph:
“In the interest of the complete transparency of my administration, let me be perfectly clear: The rumors of my torrid love affair with Sarah Palin are absolutely true. Despite claims to the contrary, she and I get along really well, and I find her more intellectually stimulating – and much more attractive – than my wife Michelle. I initiated the affair for obvious reasons. I wanted to marry an American because I needed to become a citizen – and I needed to do that before the world found out about my bogus birth certificate.
Oh, I’ve said too much.”
Thankfully for the president, White House censors found and deleted the paragraph moments before the address.
Later in the speech, while addressing the students directly, the president wanted to insert some aspects of his real-world life experiences. Sadly, this paragraph did not do the trick:
“Kids, it is important that you stay in school. If you ever want to have my job, you need to work hard, study your subjects, and strive for excellence. That’s how I did it. Of course, it also helped that I dabbled in a little marijuana and cocaine, was accepted into Harvard Law under ‘Project Bootstrap,’ and made some important, politically-connected, albeit controversial, friends. Try linking up with a domestic terrorist. They throw all of the good parties.”
After rereading the paragraph, President Obama’s common sense took over. As a result, he deleted the part about the “good parties” line. He believed that it did not sound “presidential.” The other sentences? Solid gold. After the final edit, the speech was declared “Obama-riffic.”
Sure, the final statement was fairly standard fare that should not have been as controversial as it was. It is interesting to note, however, that when President George H. W. Bush addressed Washington D.C.’s Alice Deal Junior High School in 1991, the Democrats held hearings and launched a full investigation into “the cost and legality of Bush’s appearance.”
It is doubtful that the Republicans will go to that extreme in this instance, but they may suggest President Obama stay after school and clap some erasers until he learns his lesson.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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