Exclusive: A Page from Barack Obama’s Diary – Citizens of the World, Unite Under Me!
by PAM MEISTER
September 22, 2009
Fall is approaching, and there’s just so much for me to accomplish! I’ve already crossed a few things off of my “to do” list:
selling Poland and the Czech Republic to the Russians making some painful but necessary defense spending cuts; throwing yet another political choice who reflected badly upon me under the bus regretfully accepting the resignation of my trusted advisor Van Jones; and continuing to shill for a plan that will not only bankrupt America but turn her from a nation based upon personal freedom into a socialist nanny state with me at the controls continuing to propose a thoughtfully planned health care reform bill that will only benefit the American people, whom I humbly serve.
And there’s so much more that needs to be done! Unfortunately, I may not be able to rely on my henchmen the patriotic Americans at ACORN – they’ve landed in the **** because some cracker couple figured out how to expose their sleazy tactics for cheating the taxpayers managed to publicly slur their stellar community organizing activities. Fortunately, I still have Rahm and David serving loyally at my side, and Joe’s available 24/7 to say something stupid that always takes the focus off of me and my shady activities. I must admit that I was worried that the press might pile on Michelle for that absolutely horrendous outfit she chose to wear when pushing my health care plan on unsuspecting bitter clingers explaining the benefits of my health care proposal, but the press wants so much to make me a success that they’d give her top prize at the LA Fashion Awards if she showed up wearing a garbage bag. Plus, I’ve learned never to criticize Michelle for anything. Her arms aren’t more buff than mine for nothing, you know.
The only person who should be famous is ME – and so I’ve asked my top FCC dude to put rules in place that would allow the government to regulate the Internet. Those who mock me do so at their own peril. First Amendment? Try the Obama Amendment. Heh.
And that’s not all. My friends know I value loyalty, and so to reward those who have been faithful followers of my cult since my 2004 Democratic Convention speech, I am pleased to announce that I will be more than happy to look at bills from Congress that would give tax breaks to struggling newspapers if they reorganize as nonprofits. As you know, I don’t normally like to utter the phrase “tax breaks” – it’s so Ronald Reagan – but if it’ll benefit the newspaper industry, which has been so kind to me, the PR dividends will pay off even more handsomely than those tax dollars. (Plus, we can always print more money. We’re doing it right now!) People accuse me of being an ideologue, but see? I can put ideology aside for five seconds.
But what I’m really excited about, Diary, are my plans for globalization. We aren’t Americans, you know – we’re world citizens. Like Madeleine Albright recently told the Russians, America isn’t interested in being Number One anymore. I was so tickled by her comments I gave her an autographed photo of me taking the oath at inauguration. Ha ha…if only Americans knew what was REALLY going through my mind at that moment! Nope, it’s time for America to become just another average country. It’s not fair that we have so much and people like my brother in Kenya have so little – not that I think I should give him any of my own wealth, mind you. But it’s people like him that are behind my scheme, in conjunction with nations around the world, to strengthen the rules governing financial markets. Once we start regulating globally, it helps pave the way for my Global Poverty Act – that I introduced when I was a mere senator – which is really just a gigantic tax upon the American people that will go to the glorious UN for them to distribute as they see fit. It’s time America stopped being so selfish. Oh I know, individual Americans give a lot to charity, blah blah blah. But the problem with that is that their dollars go to causes they deem worthy. They can’t be trusted to pick the right causes! So the idea is to tax them so much they won’t have two nickels left to rub together, much less give to some – ugh –religious charity. And then my cohorts at the UN can figure out what to do with all of that cold, hard cash.
And just think – all of those poor, downtrodden folks will have ME to thank. Today – President of the United States. Tomorrow – President of the World!
Oh, these are heady days, Diary. Oops, gotta go – time for my regular practice session with TelePrompter. The training we go through is equal to that of an Olympic athlete!
Previous diary entries:
What I REALLY Wanted to Say to Students Today