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September 26, 2009
Exclusive: And Now, an Important Message from Gov. David Paterson
Good day, everyone. My name is David Paterson and I am currently the governor of the great state of New York. You may remember me as “that guy who took over for the perv.” That perv in question is former New York governor, Official Prostitute Inspector, and national punch line Eliot Spitzer. Now normally, the only time my name would be in the news is if I just lost a mock gubernatorial election to gun-toting former New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress, or if Jay Leno showed my photo next to Will Ferrell’s in a “separated at birth” bit. Today is different.
Today, I am forced into the national spotlight by none other that President Barack Hussein Obama. To be honest with you, I am not very pleased about it. Allow me to explain. You see, the president, in his limited wisdom, advised me to withdraw my candidacy from the 2010 campaign. Apparently Mr. Hopenchange believes that approval numbers lower than Jessica Simpson’s IQ would cement my reelection defeat.
I wonder if the president will be running for reelection in 2012? Right now, the man Israel loves to hate has approval numbers hovering at the 50 percent mark. If these trends continue, in November 2012 he will be about as popular as those Helen Thomas boudoir pictures I bought on eBay – for 25 cents. So excuse me if I do not snap to attention when given marching orders from the Uber-bama. Quite the contrary, I am planning to completely ignore the heavy-handed suggestions from his lackeys, and any advice from The One. In my opinion, he should get his own (White) House in order, first.
Personally, I think the folks at Politico summed up my thoughts rather succinctly:
If you look at it from their perspective, they haven’t exactly been able to govern in the first year of their administration in the way that other administrations have, where you would have, theoretically, a period in which the new administration is allowed to pass the needed pieces of legislation.
Did you hear that, Mr. President, or would you like me to pump up the volume? You see, my eyesight may not be 20/20, but my vision has never been clearer. From where I sit, your first eight months have actually been worse than my first eighteen months! And unlike you, I had to replace someone who paid for sex. Had you succeeded Bill Clinton, you would know how difficult a task that can be. Instead, you deflect scrutiny from your own failures to other politicians, as if the discord in the Empire State was the reason you cannot pass ObamaCare. Mr. President, you cannot pass ObamaCare, because Americans would rather be forced to watch Vince, the ShamWow Guy, play the lead in Phantom of the Opera than allow the government to oversee their medical decisions!
But by all means, please stifle my one opportunity to run for reelection in order to save a few Democrat seats in the New York State legislature:
Paterson had noted that Obama had not found Republican support, then said, "From their perspective, losing any executive seats, losing any congressional seats, losing any seats in the State Senate is very important. I think that you see in order to accomplish their healthcare plan, their energy plan, the other ideas that they have for America that really are transformative – they’ve had to look at who is going to be voting, who can help them. So I don’t have a problem with the fact that they would look to different states to try to get that assistance."
The true irony of the president’s position is that he is afraid that my low approval numbers will cause a ripple effect among state Democrats. This is what the bloggers would term an “epic FAIL.” In June, Republicans (and a few rogue Democrats) participated in a coup of the state senate. As a result, the Democrats, suddenly a minority in the chamber, locked the new majority out of the State Senate building. At one point, the senators were considering holding sessions in another building or even a local park.
Can you imagine? Before roll call could be taken, some senate pages would have to walk through the grass and remove the dog poop. Forget about protesters, the senators would have to contend with crazy homeless people shouting them down. Heck, considering the state of politics in Albany of late, the homeless guy would probably make more sense and be able to balance the budget! My point is that if the president is looking for a fall guy for New York’s political debacle, he needs to look elsewhere. I am the face of government here, but I am not the cause of every ill.
The sooner President Obama realizes that, the sooner he can worry about the real issues facing his administration. Issues such as the growing ACORN scandal, the war in Afghanistan that he is now suddenly against, and that God-awful dress Michelle Obama wore to U.S. Army First Sergeant Jared Monti’s posthumous Medal of Honor ceremony.
It is called decorum, Michelle. You may want to look it up in your Big Book of Big Words.
My name is Gov. David Paterson, and I approve this message.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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