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October 17, 2009
Exclusive: Raining Missiles on Hillary Clinton’s Parade
Remember Hillary Clinton? She was the bloated First Lady-turned-New York Senator-turned-failed presidential candidate. Yeah, that’s her. She was the woman who stood by her man when he was “polling the female electorate.” Well, after the election, President Obama swept up the primary contender for his crown and appointed her Secretary of State. In effect, he had his Chicago cronies let her political aspirations sleep with the fishes. Like Al Franken’s talent, Hillary’s political career is now appearing on the sides of milk cartons. No one would have seen her again.
Or so the president thought.
Enter Russia. Vladimir Putin’s Antique Communist Road Show is now on the air, and it is frightening more people than a Michelle Obama bikini photo. The Bear has awakened, and the Kremlin is partying like it’s 1917. Thrust into duty, Secretary of State Clinton packed her bags, activated Bill’s nanny cam, and took a dreadful flight back to the U.S.S.R. Her mission is anything but simple. n the past week alone, Russia has expressed its solidarity with Iran, snuggled up to China, and made veiled threats about launching pre-emptive nuclear strikes against its enemies.
A top Russian security official says Moscow reserves the right to conduct pre-emptive nuclear strikes to safeguard the country against aggression on both a large and a local scale, according to a newspaper interview published Wednesday.
Presidential Security Council chief Nikolai Patrushev also singled out the U.S. and NATO, saying Moscow's Cold War foes still pose potential threats to Russia despite what he called a global trend toward local conflicts.
The interview appeared in the daily Izvestia during a visit by U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, as U.S. and Russian negotiators try to hammer out a nuclear arms reduction treaty by December.
Patrushev threw Hillary under the bus while she was still in negotiations? Well, if nothing else, Madame Secretary must feel right at home over there. At least this time someone besides President Obama was at the wheel. Of course, this disrespect will not go unpunished. Armed with a shrill voice, an irascible temperament, and cankles that could knock down a three-story building, Hillary Clinton can be a daunting opponent, and she has some ideas that are sure to get Putin’s attention.
For example, while Prime Minister Putin is an attractive, powerful man, he has not had as much luck with the ladies as one would imagine. Being a red-blooded Russian male, he desires female companionship, but prefers a powerful woman to someone from the proletariat. If Putin guarantees to decrease his nuclear stockpile by 10 percent, Secretary Clinton had offered the services of her husband, who has agreed to help the prime minister learn the finer points of dating in the 21st century. For a reduction of 15 percent, Madame Secretary has promised “dinner and a movie” with the beautiful Yulia Tymoshenko, the Prime Minister of Ukraine. Diabolical? Yes. Will the ploy be effective? Time will tell.
Madame Secretary will not stop there. Knowing full well that Russia’s economy is collapsing faster than Charlie Gibson’s credibility, Clinton is prepared to offer Russian President Dmitry Medvedev the role of America’s premier pitchman. Since the passing of beloved hawker Billy Mays, no one has been worthy to fill his shows. If Medvedev severs his country’s ties with Iran, he will be rewarded with a lifetime infomercial contract. Moments after the agreement is signed, Medvedev will become the new face of Mighty Putty, Oxy Clean, and the Awesome Auger. This will give Medvedev unforeseen exposure on a worldwide stage, as well as riches never before seen in the president’s lifetime. Finally, he will be able to afford an American car!
Of course, there is a caveat. If Putin and Medvedev renege on their agreements, Clinton warned that the United States and its allies would retaliate in kind:
“When we are finished with you,” Clinton began, “Vladimir will be lucky if Olympia Snowe returns his calls and Dmitry won’t be able to get a job selling pencils in the middle of Red Square!”
Okay, Hillary Clinton may not be the second coming of Henry Kissinger, but her persistence is unmatched. Like Patrick Swayze in Road House, she will be nice until it is time not to be nice. She is also a crafty, sometimes underhanded woman. Whether she is negotiating with Moscow or babysitting Bill’s libido, she needs eyes in the back of her head. Unfortunately, craftiness and moxie will not get the desired results in this instance, because just like her husband and her commander-in-chief, the Russians give her no respect. She is the Rodney Dangerfield of world diplomacy.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
Reader Comments: Submit Your Comment (3)
Bloated? Have you taken a good look at YOUR picture?
You look like a bad cross between Gomer Pyle and Mike Huckabee.
Hillary Clinton is not only an attractive woman, she is a smart, strong, stable, intelligent woman who represents our country well.
So, this is all about getting American families involved.
Like which ones? The Manson family?
Since when do comments and ad feminam attacks like this promote family involvement in issues?
Oh yea, your a cop. You get to say anything you want because you're "protecting" us and we should darn well appreciate it.
Shawn:
Those criticisms are unfair. I think you've depicted our so-called Secretary of State perfectly.
The Obama/Clinton tag team does not intimidate Putin/Medvedev. That match was over in the first round. The Russians must be ecstatic now that we have abandoned our European allies and left them to fend for themselves. Also, looking at the current picture above you seem to have lost considerable weight compared to photos from two years ago. Love your satire, keep it up.
Semper Veritas
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