SIGN UP - IT'S FREE!
SEARCH FSM
| National Debt Clock |
A million seconds pass in 12 days.
A billion seconds pass in 31 years.
A trillion seconds pass in 31,688 years!
January 11, 2010
Exclusive: The White House Helps Connect the Dots
On January 5, 2010 President Obama in a now-famous speech attributed our failure to stop Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab to our inability to “connect the dots.” This insufficiency, he assured a worried American public, would soon be corrected though he was a bit vague on details. Fortunately for nervous Americans unsure of the administration’s plan, I am a psychic able to peer into the future and so let me offer a yet-to-happen history of how this connect-the-dots plan came to pass.
February 2010. Secretary for Homeland Security Janet Napolitano hurriedly initiates the first step to ensure that everyone in the anti-terror campaign will know “how to connect the dots.” After all, the next attack may be tomorrow! She asks her trusty assistant to assemble a top-notch team of experts to devise a test to measure this skill. Since this is basically a civil service exam, they contact the Office of Budget Management (OMB) that has legal responsibility in this area. After a few preliminary meetings, they wisely realize that such a test is fraught with murky legal issues, particularly possibilities of cultural bias, racial profiling, and accessibility for the handicapped, including the visually impaired. The Justice Department has to be brought on board, and dozens of invitations to participate in the drafting of tentative guidelines go out. A gaggle of youthful ambitious social justice-inclined lawyers anxious to impress their superiors with their Ivy League erudition takes charge.
March to June 2010. The initial group of 120 participants has now been whittled down to a more manageable though still suitably diverse group of 30 experts: the “Multi-Agency Connect-the-Dots Working Group.” OMB inserts a 10-page solicitation for “Connect-the-Dots” exams in the Federal Register. All proposals must be submitted by September 1, 2010 and those submitting proposals must, of course, adhere to all federal anti-discrimination rules. Minorities and members of traditionally under-utilized populations are especially encouraged to submit Connect-the-Dots tests. The General Services Administration’s Accounting Office prepared a budget for the enterprise, so much for verifying test validity, cost of administering and scoring the tests and other key implementation details. Fifty million dollars should do the trick, at least to get started. All agree that only the most promising five submissions will be reviewed in depth and the five finalists will receive $8 million each. If necessary, outside consultants in airport security, personnel assessment, psychometrics and similar specialties will be hired as independent contractors.
July 2010 to October 2010. Dozens of proposals had been eliminated and the remaining five now received intense scrutiny. As is customary in federal rule-making, all possible relevant constituencies were consulted in advance. One by one, prominent black and Hispanic civil rights advocates, heads of women’s rights groups, champions of the disabled, even the ACLU and, of course, leaders of Islamic organizations were briefed about the test so as to avoid future public opposition and, more important, to insure that results were “fair.” Union officials offer their opinions about extra salary for passing the exam and the job protection available to security personnel those unable to pass. Bit by bit, objectionable test items are removed and pass/fail standards adjusted so as not to arbitrarily exclude members of groups whose cultural background resulted in poor test taking skills.
November 2010. As the final versions of the preliminary tests gradually emerged, teams of non-English speakers and experts in non-Western culture were hired to translate the test into multiple languages (notably Arabic, Farsi, Hindi, Urdu, Mandarin Chinese among twenty-four others) and to alert test-givers to possible cultural bias, for example, the connected dots should not inadvertently create an offensive symbol in the test-takers’ culture. Discussions continue on testing mechanics, for example, how will some male Middle Eastern job applicants react if the test is administered by a smartly dressed western woman? Will those who failed it be permitted to re-take it and what about cheating, and how can “cheating” be defined in a culturally sensitive way?
December 2010. The five successful finalists were growing nervous and like all potential government contractors, sensibly hired expensive K-Street lobbying firms who, in turn, enlisted the former members of Congress on their payroll to exert pressure on behalf of their new clients. Bennie G. Thompson, Chair of the House Homeland Security Committee received a fresh supply of visitors and told how their client’s Connect-the-Dots test outshone all rivals. Meanwhile, Sen. Joe Lieberman, chair of the Senate’s Homeland Security and Government Affairs, is overwhelmed with letters with New Haven postmarks (plus 6 million spam e-mails) since a potential test supplier is affiliated with Yale University.
January 2011 to February 2011. A finalist was selected and preliminary testing began. Though seemingly every conceivable problem was anticipated, difficulties quickly emerged. Several test-takers complained of too many dots, the testing locations had ignored their special needs (the rooms were too hot, too cold and the background noise too distracting); others grumbled that the test looked too much like an IQ test and was thus unfair to minorities. A handful of test-takers demand extra time, even a government paid assistant, to complete the test since they suddenly remembered that they suffered from Attention Deficit Disorder. Those with especially low scores argued that their dot connecting solutions were valid within their unique culture and that the scoring manual should give full credit for alternative “creative” answers. Litigation was threatened when somebody unable to connect all the dots was told so within earshot of those who passed, an incident, the victim claimed will bring years of mental anguish, humiliation and stigma. In a panic over uncertain security, the test supervisor carries the completed tests home for safe-keeping only to discover the next day that his 9-year-old son has taken them to school for show and tell. Alas, many of his classmates poked fun at the stupid answers. The Washington Post goes wild and the apologetic official is forced to resign.
March 1, 2011. A beaming President Obama holds a press conference in the Rose Garden and proudly displays the multi-lingual U.S. Dot Connecting Intelligence Test Manual, Version 1.0. He explains that this was the work of the smartest of the smart, a true cross-section of the American public, at a cost of $100 million dollars (only double the original budget estimate), and every public and private employee having anything to do with protecting national security will be required to pass it. No exceptions other than, of course, those required by law to protect religious beliefs and those with physical and mental disabilities. After publicly thanking all those flanking him for their tireless help, he agrees to take a few questions. One perky blonde, drop-dead stunning Fox News reporter asks, “Well, Mr. President, an ability to connect the dots is certainly important, but what about thinking outside the box?” Fortunately, the president has done his home work. “Good question,” he responds, “as we speak my think-outside-the- box Czar is assembling a team of experts and rest assured, this is as good as done.” An aide then scurries off to find a would-be Outside the Box Czar before the press gets any further.
March 2, 2011. North Korean hackers beak into the Department of Homeland Security’s computer, steal the exam, and post it on the web with correct answers (and they boast that this took them less than 15 minutes). Stanley Kaplan announced that beginning Monday it will offer tutoring on passing the exam. But why pay Kaplan’s fees when you can order “U.S. Dot Connecting Intelligence Test Manual, Version 1.0 for Dummies” online at Amazon.com in any one of 24 languages, many copies used but in near perfect condition for less than $2? For those insisting on more personal assistance, multiple on-line tutoring sites, most located in Pakistan or Iran, suddenly appear to assist befuddled American dot connectors. Booksellers now offer the tests and their latest upgrades for the puzzle-minded to kill time on subways and airports. Dot connecting mania sweeps America.
March 3, 2011. The White House announces that America’s screening security problems have been fixed. All current employees have been tested and all have passed with flying colors – a nation of dot connectors, they proudly add.
FamilySecurityMatters.org Contributing Editor Robert Weissberg is emeritus professor of political science, University of Illinois-Urbana and currently an adjunct instructor at New York University Department of Politics (graduate). He has written many books, the most recent include The Limits of Civic Activism, Pernicious Tolerance: How teaching to "accept differences" undermines civil society and the forthcoming, Bad Students, Not Bad Schools: How both the Right and the Left have American education wrong (early 2010). Besides writing for professional journals, he has also written for magazines like the Weekly Standard and currently contributes to various blogs.
Reader Comments: Submit Your Comment (0) | Sign Up for FSM Updates!
