January 16, 2010
Exclusive: Iran: Blinding the World with Science
Satire by Shawn Goodwin

It has been a difficult six months for the Islamic Republic of Iran. Last June’s presidential elections were about as fair as an American Idol vote, and equally as puzzling. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the country’s version of William Hung, won in a landslide victory, even though most polls predicted the challenger would emerge victorious. In the days and weeks afterward, the supporters of said challenger (Mirhossein Mousavi) took to the streets in protest, only to be harassed, assaulted, and even murdered by members of the Basij militia.
While sporadic protests continue, the Iranian government is dealing with its own problems. They are rushing forward with their nuclear program while ignoring the threats of sanctions. That program suffered a setback this week, however, when one of their prominent nuclear scientists was killed in a bomb attack. Iranian officials have vigorously condemned the action and guess who President Ahmadinejad is blaming?
A remote-controlled bomb killed a Tehran University nuclear scientist Tuesday, state media reported, in an attack which Iran blamed on its two arch enemies, the United States and Israel. The blast which killed Professor Massoud Ali-Mohammadi occurred at a time of heightened tension in the Islamic Republic, seven months after a disputed presidential election plunged the major oil producer into turmoil.
State broadcaster IRIB described Ali-Mohammadi as a "committed and revolutionary" professor, suggesting he backed the government of hardline President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. But an opposition website, Jaras, said he was an opposition supporter whose name was among hundreds of other academics who issued a statement in favor of moderate candidate Mirhossein Mousavi during the campaign for last June's election.
So, the state-controlled Iranian media is reporting that Professor Ali-Mohammadi was an ardent supporter of President Tom. Shocker! RIB also claims that Iran is a country chock full of rainbows and unicorns. The Jaras site, however, claims that the professor was pulling for Ahmadinejad’s moderate opponent in last year’s election. Who to believe? State-controlled media is usually spot-on when reporting the facts that the government feeds them, but Jaras appears to have cornered the market on common sense. Let’s take a look at both positions, shall we?
IRIB paints Professor Ali-Mohammadi as a blind follower of the Iranian government. And why wouldn’t he be? His president is a thoughtful, well-adjusted leader who takes a reasoned stance on most things political. Ahmadinejad has kept the country safe from the alleged aggressors of the West, and is working around the clock to secure nuclear weapons for Iran. These weapons, of course, are for defensive purposes only.
That is, of course, the public face of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Unfortunately, like Eva Longoria on a Sunday morning, the president’s private face is a ghastly sight that would scare the horns off a bull.
The report from the Jaras site, however, seems to gel with conventional wisdom. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a madman of Bear Grylls proportions – without the urine issues. Only the uneducated masses (read: Hollywood celebrities and infomercial audiences) would want to see the man reelected.
By contrast, Professor Ali-Mohammadi was a member of the Iranian academic community, whose members were amongst the most vocal during the post-election protests. A learned man, the professor would have his finger on the pulse of the rights violations occurring in his country, and it is difficult to believe he would support a dictator that must have killed more men than Cecil B. DeMille.
What is particularly revealing about Ahmadinejad – and goes to support the Jaras theory – is that he is blaming the United States and Israel for Ali-Mohammadi’s assassination. Only a certified whack job like Dennis Kucinich or Jesse Ventura would believe such a thing. Israel wouldn’t target one cog in Iran’s nuclear war machine, especially one who was rumored to be a supporter of Ahmadinejad’s election rival. The IDF thinks big, and if they would do something this rash, they would be more concerned with attacking an installation. They would also have the stones to admit it. The United States? Well, we do not order assassinations, especially in this new era of good feeling. President Obama wants everyone to love him and his policies, and planting motorcycle bombs is expressly forbidden under Unprecedented HopeyChange Rule #66. Besides, only character assassinations are approved in this administration. (See also: Joe the Plumber, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Tea Party supporters . . .)
Considering both reports, common sense would dictate that Professor Ali-Mohammadi was probably a proponent of freedom, and as a matter of course, a supporter of President Tom’s opponent. Word spread that a top nuclear scientist was not on board with the Ahmadinejad regime, and the president’s thugs had the professor murdered. They took what they believed was the appropriate action, because the Iranian government couldn’t have an unbeliever working on their most important project.
The assassination of Professor Ali-Mohammadi was a terrible tragedy. Sadly, there is a much larger tragedy at work within the Iranian government, as President Ahmadinejad is blaming Israel and the United States for this dastardly deed. There is only one country mentioned that routinely violates its citizens’ rights, cracks down upon freedom, and kills its own citizens. That country is the Islamic Republic of Iran.