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March 17, 2010
Exclusive: Confessions of a White House Maid – Millie Dishes on Healthcare, Newsweek and Wet Towels
Spring is finally around the corner, which is a relief here in the nation’s capital. What with all of the storms we’ve had, more mud has been tracked in than usual. And let me tell you, Chicagoans are less likely than Texans to remember their manners and wipe their feet before entering.
The entire White House janitorial staff was thrilled that the boss was planning to go on another trip, this time to Asia. Sure, it’s a working trip for him, not a vacation, but it’s a vacation for us if you know what I mean. I’m sure you all know the feeling when your boss goes on vacation – things are less tense and it’s a lot easier to get away with certain things, like not having to polish the mirrors and dust the Peace Prize every day. But then this whole health care thing threatened to blow up and he put off his departure date by a few days. It’s kind of like having your parents cancel their plans for a night out and you not being able to raid the liquor cabinet with your friends. Not that I’ve ever done that, of course. But one hears of these things.
The atmosphere around here is pretty grim, I have to tell you. In fact, it hasn’t been this depressing since the Watergate scandal put the Nixon presidency into a tailspin. It doesn’t help that I keep finding Rahm’s bath towels all over the place. Didn’t his mother teach him to pick up after himself? I’m not sure I’d call him the “devil’s spawn,” but I sure would call him a p-i-g pig. Of course, you know things are bad when the big guy had to invite Dennis Kucinich to ride on Air Force One in order to convince him to support health reform. Around here, they call Dennis “Gollum.” But don’t let them know I told you. It’s supposed to be a secret.
Fortunately for us, the boss’s wife is too busy with her anti-childhood obesity campaign to meddle much with how the White House is run. Before, it was always, “Millie, I want this floor to be so clean I can see my face in it!” or “Manuel, some photographers are coming over soon, so make sure my vegetable garden is ready for a close-up.” Now, rather than telling us how to do our jobs, she’s telling food manufacturers – and parents – how to do theirs. She’s even become an author of sorts, having penned next week’s Newsweek cover story, taking after hubby. Funny, I don’t recall the previous residents being asked to write for Newsweek. I’m sure it wasn’t an intentional snub; they were probably too busy or something. The cover has already been framed and placed prominently in the Blue Room. As if I don’t have enough knick knacks to worry about! What’s strange, though, is that you’d think that with both of them writing for Newsweek that everyone there must really like them. But Newsweek’s Howard Fineman wrote in a recent column that the boss “needs to stop caring what we all write and say” and that “he thinks of himself as one of us.” Ouch! That’s gotta smart.
The boss also said he won’t campaign for the congressmen who vote against the health care bill, which will be a real shame. He’s so good at it! In fact, it seems as though he hasn’t stopped campaigning since he stepped foot in the Oval Office over a year ago. In fact, I keep finding new versions of campaign speeches in the trash can under his desk, with the words “hope” and “change” and “I won” prominently featured. When you’ve got a good thing, roll with it, I always say! Plus, my mother used to say that everyone is good at something, even if it’s just that one thing. When it comes to campaigning, the boss has certainly found his niche. So let’s hope that he changes his mind.
As government employees, my co-workers and I aren’t too worried about how the proposed legislation will affect us because we get great benefits (paid for by you, the taxpayer), but some of my neighbors are concerned that they’ll be forced into some kind of government single payer plan. I’m not sure how true that is, but I’m careful not to talk about my benefits package when I go to bingo night down at the Methodist church. You don’t want to get a bunch of old ladies with canes upset with talk of Medicare benefits being cut and pacemakers being replaced by a painkiller.
Besides cleaning up after notables, Millie enjoys reading romance novels, watching “Hoarders,” and grooming Mr. Tibbles, her cat.
Reader Comments: Submit Your Comment (4) | Sign Up for FSM Updates!
Is this true? Is she still employed at the White House..
posted by: Bill Spece
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 at 11:05 AM
This is satire.
posted by: Editors
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 at 12:06 AM
Me thinks Bill's pulling your leg there Editors.
posted by: carl
Wednesday, March 17, 2010 at 02:04 PM
Bill's probably a democrat...
posted by: FoB (Friend of Bill)
Thursday, March 18, 2010 at 02:08 AM
