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Five Sept. 11 Suspects to Face Trial in New York

The Obama administration has announced it will try 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other 9-11 Gitmo detainees in a civilian federal court in New York, allowing them the protections of the U.S. Constitution even though they are not U.S. citizens.

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?

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July 12, 2008

Exclusive: (Very) Grim Fairy Tales

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Once upon a time, there was a little patch of filthy, dirty, grimy swampland sitting between the states of Maryland and Virginia.This magical kingdom, located on the bank of the Potomac River, was home to all sorts of mystical creatures. Wizards like Karl Rove lived in peace and harmony with other species such as elves (Dennis Kucinich), dwarves (Ross Perot), "white knights" (Robert Byrd), and ogres (Helen Thomas).The benevolent, yet dim-witted King George the 43rd, and his evil Queen Nancy of Botox, ruled them as best they could in these troubled times.

But the times were ever changing.

A new threat emerged from the furthest corner of the kingdom.The South Side, to be exact. Standing 12 feet tall, and built of solid muscle, the HopeChange Troll was unstoppable.Kingdoms cowered at his feet, rulers begged him for mercy, and his enemies were thrown under his giant chariot, trampled by warhorses.No one questioned his motives.No one questioned his tactics.No one questioned his lineage.For the answer to those questions was a sound thrashing.The HopeChange Troll's growing legions were rabid in the defense of their master.A more indestructible foe had never existed, and he was galloping his way to the kingdom on the Potomac.

On the opposite side of the kingdom, Sir John of Arizona was returning home.A lifelong soldier, he served his kingdom and his liege proudly, but after a half century, it was time to sheath his sword. Lady Cynthia missed her hero, and she believed his place was now by her side.Sir John agreed, and the couple retired to their modest estate, oblivious to the oncoming threat of the HopeChange Troll.

The royal messenger made it to the gates of the kingdom ahead of the HopeChange Troll, and gave warning to King George.HopeChange was coming, and it must be stopped.King George agreed, and sounded the alarm.Every peasant, serf, and page was to report to the kingdom's defenses to repel the irresistible force.

But the evil Queen Nancy of Botox would not have it.A woman who had been raised by witches, she cast a spell upon her husband, and convinced him that HopeChange was good.He must be allowed inside the kingdom's walls, and he must be allowed to speak. Helpless, King George gave the order, and the drawbridge was lowered.The HopeChange Troll would be given a hero's welcome into the kingdom on the Potomac, and Queen Nancy would sing his praises.

During the maudlin celebration for the HopeChange Troll, the royal messenger slipped through the castle defenses.He jumped onto his steed and raced to Sir John's estate.Freezing, wet, and tired, the messenger pleaded with Sir John to return to the kingdom at once.The people needed to be saved from HopeChange, and only a true hero could accomplish that mission.Reluctantly, Sir John agreed, and explained to Lady Cynthia that the good of the kingdom was more important than the good of one's self. He would do what he must.

Sir John rode his horse hard to the kingdom.As he made his way through thicket and brush, he contemplated the evil plans set forth by the HopeChange Troll: higher taxation for serfs and royals alike, increasing class envy, the destruction of the kingdom's defenses, and unconditional negotiations with the king's enemies. This was madness.Had the entire kingdom lost its mind?

The HopeChange Troll could not be defeated, the messenger said. While that may be true, Sir John's heart was pure, and his motives were honorable.Yes, the Troll had youth on his side, but youth was never a match for experience.No one fought more battles than Sir John, and he was ready for another fight.

As he approached the Potomac, Sir John encountered the Hill-dabeast.The Troll had recently defeated the Hill-dabeast, and she was looking for a new fight.Her claws were razor sharp, and it was told that she could not be taken off her feet, thanks to the fatty deposits in her ankles.She growled at Sir John, and then leapt toward him with great ferocity.But Sir John was prepared for this opponent, and countered with a diversion.

"Look, a young female intern!" Sir John exclaimed.

The Hill-dabeast turned her head, and was struck by Sir John's metal shield. Dazed and confused, the Hill-dabeast retreated to the banks of the river.Sir John's journey continued.

As our hero arrived at the kingdom's walls, Algorlin - the Troll's personal wizard, met him.Algorlin was a master of chicanery and could control the weather to his advantage.From the depths of Australia, he summoned a great ball of light and heat to blind Sir John.Undaunted, John raised his shield in a bold defense, and applied some trickery of his own.The shield was adorned with a carving of a glorious arctic glacier, which was slowly burning away by Algorlin's heat ball.

Algorlin screamed at the realization that he was responsible for the glacier's demise, and flew away to the safety of his Scandinavian retreat.

With the defeat of the Troll's henchmen, Sir John entered the kingdom and found himself face-to-face with the HopeChange Troll.This was the fight he had been looking for, and he would not flinch. The HopeChange Troll attacked first with his siren song:

"Hope.Change.I can bring people together."

Sir John dropped to his knees.He knew that HopeChange was a powerful foe, but he never expected to be defeated by rhetoric.Soon, everyone inside the kingdom chanted as one. "Hope.Change.Hope Change." It was almost too much to bear, and when Sir John looked up, he saw his opening.

Queen Nancy of Botox was orchestrating HopeChange's every move by manipulating his puppet strings.

"That's it," thought Sir John. "To defeat HopeChange, I need to set him free.And by setting him free, I can free the kingdom!"

With every ounce of energy, Sir John grabbed his sword and thrust it at the queen.The strings snapped like twigs, causing the queen to reel backwards. Her inertia sent her tumbling backwards into the moat as HopeChange fell forward.The throngs of people gasped as the once mighty HopeChange Troll landed with a thud.HopeChange was now free from his supernatural bonds. Free to say as he pleased.

Yet HopeChange was not prepared for his newfound freedom.He made gaffe after gaffe.He misspoke with regularity.He even flip-flopped on his positions. Finally, the kingdom saw the HopeChange Troll for what he was: a sad, pathetic shell of his former self.There was no reason to fear him, but now there was a reason to pity him.Dejected and hurt, the HopeChange Troll retreated back to The South Side, never to be heard from again.

And what of Sir John? Well, Sir John succeeded King George as ruler of the kingdom on the Potomac, and he soon became the greatest ruler in a generation.

The End.

FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.

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