Exclusive: Iranian Women Are Quaking In Their Go-Go Boots
by SATIRE BY SHAWN GOODWIN
April 24, 2010
The Islamic Republic of Iran has never been a refuge for proponents of human rights. Similarly, its government has a pesky habit of treating women like chattel; personal property to be manipulated and/or abused as one sees fit. In today’s political climate, a woman is safer walking the darkened streets of downtown Detroit than she is strolling through Tehran at noon. Sadly, this situation is about to get much worse.
Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi recently stated that women who wear inappropriate, suggestive or revealing clothing are responsible for the country’s earthquakes. Seriously. Heck, if that were the case, California would have fallen into the sea the second Britney Spears arrived in Hollywood. Nevertheless, Sedighi seems to have the opinion that loose blouses sink houses:
In a prayer sermon, the cleric said: 'Many women who do not dress modestly... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which increases earthquakes.'
Women in the Islamic Republic are required by law to cover from head to toe. But many, especially the young, ignore some of the stricter codes and wear tight coats and scarves pulled back to show much of their hair.
One would think that considering the country’s desert climate, the clerics would give Iranian women a little slack; maybe let them put on a pair of regime approved culottes or something. But no, they have to swelter in the midday sun because a baggy scarf may cause “the big one.” Sedighi continues:
'What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble?' Sedighi asked. 'There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam's moral codes. A divine authority told me to tell the people to make a general repentance. Why? Because calamities threaten us.'
In Iran, these calamities are omnipresent. Thankfully, Sedighi has some all-encompassing explanations for the country’s pending natural disasters. Heavy rains and flash floods occur because Iranian women shower without their veils. Droughts happen when teenage girls apply makeup. Wildfires? They are common because middle-aged women suffer from “hot flashes.” It is probably best not to ask why tornadoes exist.
The good news is that Sedighi strayed from the old and busted Blame the Jews meme. The bad news is that he has moved on to the new hotness: the Blame the Broads meme. This line of skewed thinking may resound with some of the more radical Mosques in Iran, but one has to wonder how it will play in the residences. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad talks a good game, but considering his weasel-like personality, there is little doubt that Mrs. Ahmadinejad rules that roost. Mahmoud probably comes home to find the missus standing in the doorway, rolling pin in hand, and saying, “I just declared a fatwa on your dinner.”
By all appearances, the current Iranian government is comprised of dozens of men who spent their school days getting shoved into lockers. It is the classic example of misplaced rage. They spent their formative years being called nerd, four eyes and pizza face, so when they finally achieve some modicum of power, they take their anger out on the girls who wouldn’t go with them to the Senior Prom: “The popular girls wouldn’t give us the time of day, so let’s wrap them up in a duct tape gown and blame them for every natural disaster that comes down the dirt path.”
Obviously, common sense does not apply in this situation, because Iran has been beset by earthquakes for hundreds of years. In 2003, the city of Bam suffered a major quake that killed over 30,000 people. The modern bikini was revealed to the world in 1947, so maybe Sedighi can blame the Bam incident on the salacious hoop skirt? Perhaps it was the fault of an Iranian teenager who dared to ride a horse side-saddle? Or, it may have something to do with the fact that Tehran sits on several fault lines? Nah, that couldn’t be the case.
Some experts have even suggested Iran should move its capital to a less seismically active location.
How about the Moon? Earthquakes are unheard of there. The U.S. can lease the Space Shuttle Discovery to President Ahmadinejad and members of his brutal regime. We can fly them to Cape Canaveral, all expenses paid. We can tell the delegation that they won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. NASA then shoots them to the Moon for a test run of, oh, forever.
Once the Iranian citizens are sure that the hardliners will not be coming back, freedom can once again rule, halter tops can make a comeback, and women can be treated with the respect they deserve. Anything has to be better than the status quo.