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Independence Day Weekend

Americans celebrate our independence with annual traditions.

Based on the current state of our country, which item best represents what you will be doing this holiday weekend?

Modernize my home to be energy efficient according to O’s standards
Lowering the asking price on the sale of my home. AGAIN
Writing another letter to my Congressional Rep – that I know they won’t read. AGAIN
Tuning out ANY coverage of Michael Jackson
Scheduling any potential surgeries I think I may need
Updating my family’s passports
Using Hamburger Helper for my July 4th BBQ
Going to warehouse store to buy normal incandescent light bulbs – in bulk
Tuning out ANY coverage of “the one”

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?

Yes
No
Not Sure

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July 19, 2008

Exclusive: Medvedev: “Russian” Into Things

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Earlier this week, Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told top diplomats that he would help return his country to its former glory, and protect Russian interests across the globe.

When the rest of the world stopped laughing, Medvedev quipped, "No, seriously."

That's a terrific plan, but if Dmitry Medvedev is to lead Russia back to its glory days of purges, bread lines and shoe banging, he needs a hook, an eye catcher. He needs to portray himself as an iron-willed leader that will back up his bravado with action and examples.At the same time, he needs to hide the fact that he is almost certainly Vladimir Putin's marionette, forever attached by those pesky puppet strings.

One way Medvedev can become his own man is by making bold political appointments within his regime.For example, the President needs a strong military leader that will do anything to achieve victory.Since most of the Cold War veterans are well past their prime, Medvedev would do well to choose a young, aggressive graduate from the Frunze Military Academy in Moscow.That's just what the West would expect him to do.But Medvedev wants to earn the "maverick" label, so he will do the exact opposite: he will choose Joseph Stalin as his new Defense Minister.

Surprised? You shouldn't be. Sure, Stalin has been dead for 55 years, but he continues to inspire fear and respect amongst the Russian people.On top of that, imagine the instant gravitas that will be awarded Medvedev for his decision.The move will almost certainly sever the ties with Putin, and give every world leader pause before crossing the hammer and sickle. Every politico will come to the same conclusion: "Medvedev is insane. He is standing next to the corpse of ‘Uncle Joe.' Zombie Stalin will destroy us all!"

Laugh if you must, but remember this: the Soviets thought Reagan was crazy, too.

Medvedev can also present himself as a prominent world leader by making inroads toward dealing with Russia's collapsing infrastructure.He can do this by addressing its energy needs.Since Russia is decades behind many Third World countries in the area of cheap, abundant power sources, it needs to bluff its way into energy independence.Medvedev wants to go "old school" on the West, so why not use the tried and true Soviet policy of browbeating and blackmail? Here's how he can do it:

Medvedev should schedule a press conference and announce to the world that since they refuse to grant his country cheap, efficient energy, Russia will be constructing 14 nuclear power plants. These power plants will be situated near the lines of every country Russia currently borders, and they will be built to the exact specifications of the reactor in Chernobyl.Russian energy superiority is now only minutes away.

Barring these eccentric policy decisions; it would appear that the Russian leader certainly has his work cut out for him.Reintroducing his country to world dominance will take a lot of time, and even more effort.The Land of the Tsars has become more like the Land of the Lost in the years following the breakup of the Soviet Union.Nowadays, there is barely a Sleestak, politician, or military leader with the intestinal fortitude necessary to repair the Iron Curtain.Heck, the Russians can barely forge iron anymore!

Unfortunately for Medvedev, saber rattling from a country that can barely feed itself usually falls on deaf ears, especially when it is coming from a former ambulance chaser that looks a lot like David Puddy.

That being said, one must give credit where credit is due.Medvedev is marching along like a good little Stalinist, even if he is doing it without Putin's assistance. And when one walks the walk, he must talk the talk:

"Russia has become stronger and is capable of assuming greater responsibility for solving problems on both a regional and global scale," Medvedev told a meeting with over 200 Russian ambassadors and senior foreign ministry officials.

Uh-huh.Maybe the world should present Russia with a fairly easy problem and see if it can solve it all by itself.For example, when the Soviet Union finally collapsed - thank you very much, Ronald Reagan - nearly 75% of Russia's surface water was polluted.Perhaps they can"get the lead out" and drop a few iodine pills into their lakes and streams?It is rather difficult to solve the world's problems and protect one's interests when you're laid up with a case of Rasputin's Revenge.

Look, Dmitry Medvedev is in a difficult situation. His country is a shell of its former self, he gets about as much respect as the late Rodney Dangerfield, and his former Baltic territories are just itching to join NATO.It is imperative that Medvedev rattles a few cages.However, before he proclaims how his country will heal the world's wounds, he should probably stop the bleeding in his own country first. Physician, heal thyself.

And considering the current state of health care in Russia, Medvedev will be able to be ready to cure the planet in about 80 years.

FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.

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