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Five Sept. 11 Suspects to Face Trial in New York

The Obama administration has announced it will try 9-11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and other 9-11 Gitmo detainees in a civilian federal court in New York, allowing them the protections of the U.S. Constitution even though they are not U.S. citizens.

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Four Radical Chinese Muslims Transferred to Bermuda

Four Chinese Uighers (radical Chinese Muslims) were recently transferred to Bermuda. Do you think it's a good idea to release Gitmo detainees to idyllic vacation retreats?

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May 9, 2008

Exclusive: Saddam Hussein Presents 'Folsom Prison Blues'

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Earlier this week, the London-based Arab newspaper Al-Hayat released samples of Saddam Hussein's prison diary.Although the former Iraqi dictator was executed on December 30, 2006, the writings were just released.Apparently, it took Al-Hayat a year and a half to pick Hussein's tricky diary lock.

The diary was full of interesting revelations and peeks into the mind of a madman. For example, Saddam was fond of dotting his "I" with a heart, doodling on every other page, and expressing his innermost fears. It was like a Hillary Duff after school special . . . with more facial hair.The first glimpse into the writings showed that "The Butcher of Baghdad" feared that he would contract AIDS during his incarceration, and was mortified to see U.S. soldiers drying their clothes on his personal clothesline:

"I explained to them that they are young and they could have young people's diseases," Saddam wrote."My main concern was to not catch a venereal disease, an HIV disease, in this place." He said some soldiers ignored his request.

During his three years in captivity, Saddam Hussein wrote thousands of entries in his prison diary.Some excerpts, like the daily headline, "George Bush is the Great Satan" were expected. Many others, however, have shocked and surprised everyone; including Hussein's closest advisors.After all, most genocidal thugs would not admit to using their allotted five minutes of Internet access to check out cuteoverload.com.Yes, Saddam Hussein liked puppies and kittens - want to fight about it?

Disturbing as Hussein's Internet choices may be, they are not nearly the most disturbing revelations uncovered in his writings.Some of the diary's excerpts will make you vomit in terror. To wit:

December 13, 2003 - I am still on the run from the Yankee infidels, and although this spider hole has kept me safe from their filthy clutches, there are way too many spiders here.The only thing that scares me more than a spider is hearing Wayne Brady sing.Hold on, someone is outside the . . .

December 17, 2003 - I cannot believe that Americans captured me!This was the perfect hiding spot!At least, that's what Vanilla Ice told me. I mean, when was the last time anyone heard from him?Well, as long as my lawsuit against the creators of South Park is successful, I will have more than enough cash to return to power.I'll show them to use my likeness without expressed written permission!

April 28, 2004 - Well, my 67th birthday has come and gone, and all I have to show for it is a lousy Fudgy the Whale cake.The inscription, "Don't drop the soap" was highly inappropriate, and there wasn't even a file in it.Thanks for nothing, Ahmadinejad!

July 16, 2004 - Today I celebrate 25 glorious years as President of Iraq.As expected, the infidels have granted me three wishes in honor of my anniversary.After much deliberation, I have decided to demand the following:

I demand my immediate release and the expulsion of all American forces from Iraq.

I demand all weapons of mass destruction be returned to me and aimed at American Idol's Simon Cowell.How dare he criticize the melodious tones of William Hung! I have never heard "She Bangs" performed so expertly.

And finally, I demand the footage of Janet Jackson's Super Bowl "wardrobe malfunction."I heard that it was the greatest moment in television history.

January 20, 2005 - The New Year has arrived, and I am still held captive by the American invaders. I overheard some other prisoners talking, and they said that George Bush is being sworn in for his second term today. Swell. I knew John Kerry didn't have a chance against him, what with his horse face and his shrew wife. Teresa Heinz-Kerry has the personality of a camel spider with a face to match.She is the reason women are forced to wear veils in my country.

August 9, 2005 - Good grief, it is hot here."How hot is it?"It is so hot in Iraq that birds have to use potholders to pull worms from the ground!Heh, heh, I am so much funnier than Gilbert Gottfried.

May 22, 2005 - Everyone is talking about the release of Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.Apparently, the film is rife with violence, betrayal, and the slaughter of innocents.Who knew George Lucas would release a comedy?

I am about to make a bold prediction: Hayden Christensen (who plays Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader) will be remembered as the greatest actor of the entire Star Wars franchise. You heard it here first.

December 30, 2006 - For some reason, the infidels are crowding around my cell and saying their goodbyes.The only explanation for this is that George Bush has agreed to my demands and is planning to evacuate his troops from Iraq.Oh happy day!

Hmm, for some reason they are measuring my neck.I guess this is how the Americans show their respect.

This was the diary's last entry, as Saddam Hussein was executed later that day. If there is anything to be learned from these writings it is this: if you're a fan of William Hung, it is best not to publicize it - especially after a date with the gallows.The irony could be fatal.

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