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July 26, 2008

Exclusive: Iraq: Come For the Sand, Stay For the . . . Sand

Satire by Shawn Goodwin

Since the rise to power of Saddam Hussein in 1979, the country of Iraq has been a hotbed of violence and hatred. Iraq's heavy-handed military used chemical weapons to massacre its own civilians, Hussein's sons opened "rape rooms" to prey on the Iraqi female citizenry, and the government could not go five minutes without invading a neighboring country. Life there was much like Somalia, without the white, sandy - although shark-infested - beaches.

The Iraq War changed much of that. Saddam Hussein was deposed, captured, tried, and sentenced to death.His sons were killed in a gunfight with American forces, and even "Baghdad Bob" could not escape the oncoming wave of freedom.Although, to this day, "Bob" still tells reporters that all is well, that Saddam Hussein is a regular cast member of South Park, and he is as popular as ever.

Now, after almost a year of declining violence and bloodshed, the Iraqi government wants to repair the country's tarnished, bullet-riddled image. They believe that the way to accomplish that feat is by promoting tourism.

Seriously.

Obviously, the government is counting on religious pilgrims to take advantage of Iraq's many religious sites and shrines, but they also want to lure other visitors as well:

"Safety is still the biggest concern," Lt. Cmdr. Christopher Grover, a Navy officer working with Iraq's tourism board on behalf of the U.S. government, wrote in an e-mail. "It will take a few risk-takers to invest in Iraq, but when that happens others should follow."

Why would a war-torn republic look to attract tourists so soon after a war? Because as Willie Sutton proclaimed, "That's where the dinars are."

The Walt Disney Company is already jumping on the singing, dancing, and mind-numbingly cute character-filled bandwagon.A recent press release confirmed that Disney is currently in negotiations to open Al Anbar Disney by the year 2010. Although the details are sketchy, two features have been set in stone.First, the mascot of Al Anbar Disney will be named Malik Mouse, and in keeping with conservative norms, Malik will wear a shirt and pants.

Second, the first official attraction of Al Anbar Disney will be "It's A Jalal World After All," an animatronic history of the current Iraqi government, seen through the perspective of current President Jalal Talabani.The 30-minute camel ride will cover everything from the formation of the country's constitution to the first free elections in decades. And, as an added bonus, guests will end their experience by casting a vote, complete with purple finger ink!

Celebrities are also trying to get in on the ground floor, which in Iraq is usually dirt.Chef Emeril Lagasse is planning to open one of his signature restaurants in downtown Baghdad, and has stated that he would like to see if he can take the local fish, Masgouf, and kick it up a notch.The fact that Iraq's food choices are limited to Masgouf, vegetables, rice, and pickles have not deterred Chef Lagasse, who looks forward to working in a place "that is much safer than New Orleans."

Now, if only he can learn the Arabic word for "Bam!"

Multi-national corporations and B-list celebrities will surely bring in some visitors, but in the hotter months - in Iraq, those are January through December - tourists want fun in the sun.And they would rather have their fun without perishing from dehydration.In short, they want a beach. Unfortunately, Iraq is chock full of desert, save for the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers and a small coastline on the banks of the Persian Gulf.Iraq needs a plan.

That plan should include invading Kuwait.

Now, the hippies and peaceniks will disagree with this tactic, but it makes a lot of sense.Iraq can rumble into Kuwait with one tank and a few Louisville Sluggers, and take over the country in about 15 minutes.Once inside the border, the Iraqis can offer the Kuwaitis a deal: let our sunbathers use the Kuwaiti beaches, and we'll split the beach tag fees and Fudgy Wudgy Popsicle profits 50-50. Iraq gets a much larger coastline for its tourists, and Kuwait rakes in the dinars by the bushel.Everyone wins!

Okay, that last example was a tad extreme, but the premise remains the same: How does a fledgling government entice people to visit their country?The Iraqi government surely has its work cut out for them in the coming weeks and months.Showing their country off as a tourist trap will be a hard sell. Of course, 10 years ago, freedom would be a hard sell to the citizens of Iraq, and they seem to be doing just fine so far.

Now, if they could only solve the beach problem.

FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.

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