Ladies and gentlemen, it is with deep sadness that I must inform you that Uncle Sam has just been arrested as a compulsive school molester. Yes, folks, it’s that kindly old man bedecked in red white and blue. Hard to believe, but he’s has been stalking schools for decades and this has brought untold misery to millions of youngsters, many of whom may be scarred for life. Uncle has long been “a person of interest” but we have been reluctant to intervene given the situation’s obvious “sensitive” nature. Recent events, however, have forced our hand. Let me explain.
As we all know, the Constitution grants no explicit, even implicit power to the central government to meddle in education. This was understood by the Founders and even Uncle Sam’s past effort to promote higher education (the Land Grant Colleges created in 1862, the 1958 National Education Defense Act) encountered stiff resistance from defenders of state and local authority. But, as is so commonplace with deeply rooted dark urges, Uncle Sam was powerless to control his appetites. From the 1960s onward he began handing out fiscal candy under the guise of assisting local school districts with what were once totally local or state responsibilities.
But Uncle Sam’s demonic predilection began roaring out of control when President Carter created the Department of Education. Indeed, as with so many other addictions, fiddling with local schools began to take over Uncle Sam’s life. A 2010 compilation found our Uncle was funding some 151 school programs, including early education at a cost of $55.6 billion spread out across 20 federal agencies. And the Uncle’s Sugar Daddy habit excludes all the onerous local paperwork and other administrative overheads necessary to secure this generosity (unfortunately, what local school boards must perform for the candy is covered by “Don’t ask, don’t tell,” so we can only imagine).
This compulsion now spirals out-of-control with President Obama’s wasteful Race to the Top plus the promise to hire 100,000 new teachers for instruction in science and math. More than a few board certified psycho- Babelists hint that, in light of zero academic progress, let alone ton of pointless federally-required paperwork, this recent conspicuous improvidence can only be understood as a “cry for help”—stop me before I do it again.
But the straw that broke the camel’s back and what instigated the arrest warrant was Uncle’s all-day March 11th White House conference on bullying. Though hardly the usual colossal fiscal wastefulness, it was obvious that Uncle Sam had crossed the line and to protect the public, he better be taken downtown and booked.
This anti-bullying conference was an all-day event, with 150 participants with both the President and First Lady in attendance. The President told about how he was bullied as a child thanks to his big ears and did not mince words about the seriousness of bullying:
“If there’s one goal of this conference, it’s to dispel the myth that bullying is just a harmless rite of passage or an inevitable part of growing up. It’s not.” In a press statement he added, “Bullying can have destructive consequences for our young people. And it’s not something we have to accept. As parents and students, teachers and communities, we can take steps that will help prevent bullying and create a climate in our schools in which all of our children can feel safe.”
The First Lady chimed in with “As parents, it breaks our hearts to think that any child feels afraid every day in the classroom, or on the playground, or even online." (watch the conference here and for more details, here).
And according to Jonathan Capehart at The Washington Post, the White House focus on bullying is part of Obama’s “Winning The Future” strategy for improving education in the United States. Valerie Jarrett, a close Obama advisor explained,
“What the children will tell you is that many of them are so paralyzed by fear that that’s all they think about in school. We want to free them from that, because every child should be able to go to school and feel that they are in a safe and secure environment.”
At the risk of prejudicing the jury at Uncle Sam’s upcoming trial, let me outline the seriousness of the situation. Begin with the obvious: the constitutional justification of the Uncle’s meddling in local schools is weak enough but a federal policy addressing the private behavior of 55.2 million students in nearly 100,000 public schools is even shakier (see here for statistics). When I was growing up in the 50s one common expression to prevent minor disputes from escalating was, “What do you want to do, make a federal case out of this?” Obviously Obama believes in federal cases.
Anti-bullying is also a mega public job (and union membership) creating scheme when countless cities and states verge on bankruptcy. Policing millions of student with surveillance cameras in every class, hallway and bathroom will cost a fortune, and this is only the beginning. An anti-bullying statute introduced in Connecticut (S.B. 1138) is a bill “requiring all school employees—bus drivers and cafeteria workers among them—to get annual training on bullying prevention and response; having each school district appoint a safe school environment coordinator; and amending the definition of ‘bullying’ to include cyberbullying.” And don’t forget the lawyers, another Obama constituency.
Needless to say, a hugely expensive anti-bullying campaign is just what America needs when national test scores are mired in mediocrity. And many schools cannot control criminal violence. It will also exacerbate tensions given that definitions of “bullying” can vary across cultures and what if punishment falls disproportionately on some groups? An anti-bullying campaign is just what already overwhelmed school administrators need.
But, perhaps the most pernicious feature of Uncle Sam’s meddling is that it’s the perfect recipe for making an already politically corrupted school environment even more PC. This is yet one more ill-conceived but idealistic sounding measure for destroying America’s schools. After all, who will defend boys called sissies? Who will rescue little girls teased by chauvinist boys? What about Muslim second-graders called “rag head terrorists”? Given children’s natural inclination for ridicule and cruelty, outlawing bullying and then enforcing prohibitions will mobilize every grievance group in America. And with all these newly-hired anti-bullying experts in place, reports of bullying will skyrocket and yet more jobs will be created.
Moreover, to avoid litigation school districts will invite these groups to form advisory councils to devise anti-bullying measures and, I can personally guarantee that these measures will not stress lessons on basic civility. Instead the calls will be to rework the curriculum to eliminate the “root cause” of hostility, i.e., hatefulness. So, little Mahomet is being harassed as a terrorist? No problem: just teach his classmates about the Muslim contribution to civilization, how Islam is the religion of peace and all the rest so his classmates will now respect him. And if that fails, impose mandatory sensitivity training.
Back to the trial. What can be done about our still beloved though demented Uncle? Forget about a public trial—too embarrassing, worse than incarcerating Santa Claus for breaking and entering. Therapeutic intervention is the answer. Using the familiar 12-step format we’ll start with helping him understand the Constitution’s principle of limited government, then move to the currently unpopular idea that high-sounding programs actually cost money and then finish up with the dangers of Washington trying to re-shape the behavior of millions of students. Uncle Sam’s therapy will, naturally, be interrupted with lots of hugs and encouragements and, with a little luck, by next Christmas Uncle Sam will be cured and can return home as the living embodiment of a Republic free of government meddling in areas where it doesn’t belong. Welcome back, Uncle!
FamilySecurityMatters.org Contributing Editor Robert Weissberg is emeritus professor of political science, University of Illinois-Urbana and currently an adjunct instructor at New York University Department of Politics (graduate). He has written many books, the most recent being: The Limits of Civic Activism, Pernicious Tolerance: How teaching to "accept differences" undermines civil society andBad Students, Not Bad Schools. Besides writing for professional journals, he has also written for magazines like the Weekly Standard and currently contributes to various blogs.
FamilySecurityMatters.org Contributing Editor Robert Weissberg is emeritus professor of political science, University of Illinois-Urbana and currently an adjunct instructor at New York University Department of Politics (graduate). He has written many books, the most recent being: The Limits of Civic Activism, Pernicious Tolerance: How teaching to "accept differences" undermines civil society andBad Students, Not Bad Schools. Besides writing for professional journals, he has also written for magazines like the Weekly Standard and currently contributes to various blogs.
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