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August 23, 2008
Exclusive: The Democrats’ Convention Intentions
Next week, Democrats from around the country will be driving to Denver in their hybrid hippie-mobiles with enough carbon credits to choke a hippo. Upon arriving at the Democrat National Convention, they will unpack their patchouli oil and their “We Know Better Than You” attitudes, have their mothers help them get dressed, and join the blind, the sick, and the lame in an attempt to see The Messiah: Barack Obama.
Unfortunately for the great unwashed, no one gets in to see The Messiah. Not nobody. Not no how. No one will be able to get a glimpse of the candidate until the final night of the convention, when Obama descends unto the crowd from his stadium luxury box.
In the meantime, the good folks at the Democrat National Committee have planned a liberal Country Bear Jamboree for party delegates and curious onlookers. Here is a partial list of the itinerary:
Skin the Taxpayers Ride. This attraction was specifically designed for those visitors who have always wanted to know what it feels like to walk in the shoes of a Democrat politician. Riders will enter the attraction, sit down at a moveable desk, and travel the country in a virtual-reality chamber. Participants will see the world through the eyes of a real liberal Democrat. They will laugh at the middle class as they raise taxes through the roof, demonize Republicans, moderates, or anyone else who disagrees with them, and finish with an old-fashioned filibuster.
Caution: visitors who are pregnant, suffer from a heart condition, or have been blessed with common sense should not partake in this attraction.
Pretend You’re a War Hero. This attraction is less voluntary and more imposed, but it is one that will generate a lot of buzz. Those malcontents that are dissatisfied with the Democrat candidate, policies, and/or ideals will receive a rude awakening if they attempt any shenanigans. Protesters, lawbreakers, anarchists, and Hillary Clinton supporters will be herded into an industrial warehouse that makes Leavenworth look like “Club Fed.”
Individuals arrested at the Democrat National Convention will be processed at an industrial warehouse with chain-link cells topped by razor wire, a facility some have compared to the U.S. prison at Guantanamo Bay.
Groups planning marches, concerts and other events during the Aug. 25-28 convention dub the center "Gitmo on the Platte," for the nearby South Platte River.
Some particularly clever protester suggested “The Flat on the Platte,” but was immediately shouted down because the nickname was deemed “too British.”
Pretend You’re a Celebrity. Apparently, anyone who has ever been in a film will be “headlining” the convention this year. Notable “A-listers” such as the Jennifer Lopez-less Ben Affleck and Josh (not James) Brolin are expected to attend. Wow, Ben Affleck and Josh Brolin? How did the Dems land those mega-stars? Rumor has it that in addition to these Hollywood titans, Al Leong is also due to make an appearance. Movie fans from around the world will remember Al from his most memorable role: Wing Kong Hatchet Man from Big Trouble in Little China.
Perhaps the DNC wanted to avoid any real celebrities, since they would most certainly take away from their one true celebrity idol: Barack Obama.
The Candidate Gift Shop. What better way to show your friends that you wasted an entire week in Denver than with an official Democrat National Convention souvenir? There are souvenir kiosks on the Pepsi Center concourse, and items may be purchased with cash, credit, and pounds of flesh. These three items are especially hot this year:
Shroud of Obama bath towels. You worshipped The Messiah. You prayed to The Messiah. Now you can wash and dry yourself with The Messiah with the Shroud of Obama bath towels! These towels are 100% cotton or 100% rayon (depending upon the current poll numbers) and are incredibly absorbent. Just two of these will soak up the tears of Hillary Clinton and her legions of fans. How can you go wrong?
Inflatable Hillary Clinton “Cankles.” Sure, she didn’t get the Democrat Presidential Nomination . . . or did she? Why leave the decision to chance, when you can throw your support to both candidates? For the wishy-washy voter, the Inflatable Hillary Clinton Cankles are the perfect gift. Constructed entirely of space-age polymer plastics, they easily slip onto a regular-sized calf-ankle, and inflate to Hillary-size at the push of a button. The cankles also come with different settings, so one could transform from Arkansas Hillary to New York Hillary in moments. They are a Democrat’s answered prayers!
Hurry. Supplies (like liberal Democrats’ minds) are limited.
While this historic Democrat Convention will only last four days, its effects will be felt for years to come. Everyone who is anyone will be in Denver next week, and even if you cannot score tickets to see The Obamessiah, the Democrats will take care of you (on the country’s dime).
After all, that’s what they do best.
FamilySecurityMatters.org's official satirist, Shawn Goodwin, is a blogger and police detective from Philly. You can visit his blog here.
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